Walk With Me...

12/5/11

2011-12-05T03:51:00.001-08:00

Time for a little update as our job saga continues...

A few entries back, I wrote about a temporary break in the job crisis. Aaron had found a short term consulting gig at a decent rate of pay which would tide us over through the end of the year. It was a DISASTER! The company owner (L) was an absolute lunatic...a madman. Aaron was not there a week when the marketing director came to him and told him that he was leaving on Friday with no notice. He could no longer take the bosses tirades. Here are the bullet points of the nightmare...

- Small company is owned and run by L

- L's live in girlfriend is second in command. She has no particular background that makes her a great person for this position.

-L and girlfriend have frequent screaming fights in the office

-L's parents spent lots of time in L's office, just hanging out. L is a man in his 50's. L fights with his parents the way he fights with the girlfriend.

-L "knows it all". A meeting with L to share input, observations or advice turned into a session where L told you all the reasons you didn't know what you were talking about.

-L changed your job description on a daily basis so you could not focus on making progress

-L was frequently out of the office. L had a stroke 2 weeks before he contracted Aaron. This was one reason that Aaron was brought in. L is so crazy he's killing himself.

-L had a history of getting frustrated that people were not doing what he expected (even though he could not define what was expected...it changed day to day) and firing them.

Needless to say, Aaron was miserable. He was trying to give L what he wanted and L would rip him a new one. One day he came home and told me that he and L had had a red faced screaming fight. Several times Aaron came home at the end of the day desperate to terminate the contract. He hoped to be fired. He'd tell me "it wasn't working out for either of them". My response was....this wasn't about "working out" as far as we were concerned. This was not a career move. This was a paycheck....period.

He stuck it out....until L decided Aaron wasn't working out. L called him in to terminate the contract and Aaron graciously acknowledged and agreed it was the right move. Apparently L was STUNNED that Aaron took it all so well. All in all, the job lasted about 8 weeks out of the expected 16.

So, we are back to being jobless. He has one opportunity which is a good one. He's a very strong candidate but not "the perfect guy". They have been looking for Perfect Guy since January. It's an executive position that they've had filled with an interim person and they're in trouble with that because he doesn't have the management skills to run the department. Aaron has those management skills but he's not an expert in the technology. They seem to be focused on getting someone with the very specific technical background and strong management experience, and they can't find that person. It's time for them to hire my husband! :) I am sending my daily messages to the job gods.

The job is in California but we are not even talking about the logistical problems involved (House we can't sell, child with a year and a half of high school to go). We're just hanging onto every hope that he gets this job, then we'll worry about all the details. It will probably mean a long term bicoastal situation. Doesn't matter, he needs a job.

By the way, Aaron had a communication recently from someone who is still at L's company. He was making sales contacts and forwarded to Aaron an email conversation between himself and a potential client. Upon making the pitch, the clients asked if L was still the CEO. His response to learning that L was still there was "I will not do business with that schizophrenic asshole!" Kind of sums it all up right there....

I also mentioned a photography job that I was pursuing. This has turned into a big run around as it is a county civil service position. About 1000 people have to handle my paperwork and things continue to go missing along the way. I have spoken on the phone a number of times to the woman who would ultimately be my superior and she seems very interested in hiring me. There's just always another hoop to jump through or something that they can't find or don't have. My 30 year old college transcripts? For a part time photographers positions? When I supplied a copy of my diploma? REALLY? OK.......

I'm still hopeful that this will work out but it may be months.

L'Shana Tova

2011-09-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

It is Rosh Hashanna...the Jewish New Year.

It seems that so many of my friends have been facing big challenges. Loss of loved ones, cancer, job loss, money issues, the need to sell a home...everywhere I turn I see people I love are struggling.

As am I...

So my hope for all is L'Shana Tova....may the new year be a sweet year, for each and every one of us. My wish for health and happiness, security and peace goes to you all, today....this year....and always.

Late Summer Garden

2011-09-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

I posted this image to my photo blog earlier in the week. Today, I'm posting it here as an entry to the September Gardening Gone Wild Picture This photo contest.

This photo was taken just this past week. These tiny daisies are all that remain in the meadow...Mother Nature's truly wild garden.

Quick Pic

2011-09-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite photos from the recent concert tour. Two years ago, Bruce started featuring the dulcimer in both new songs and old favorites. This year, he brought his drummer Sonny to the forefront on the washboard in Shadowhands....a song about talking to imaginary friends.

It's this obvious joy for what they do that keeps me coming back for more.

9/5/11

2011-09-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

A little potpourri type entry with mostly GOOD news!

Aaron has found a job! At the moment, it is a contracted consulting job with a very small startup software company. They have a product and they have customers. It's founder is struggling with moving it from the idea/development phase to a functioning and profitable company. He is also dealing with some significant health issues. Aaron has been brought in to help him move the business forward. He'll be doing some long range business planning for them, perhaps some hiring and some work with the clients. Toward the end of the year they will assess their relationship and determine if he will move into a permanent executive position there. It's a good plan because this is a business with some real strengths as well as some serious weaknesses. He'll have a better understanding of it's viability before he makes a permanent commitment to them.

So, we're relieved....for now.

As a startup, it's a salary cut for him. So I will probably start looking for some type of work in the next few weeks. I would LOVE to figure out a way to make photography my profession without going the route of weddings and bar mitzvahs. I really don't want to have the pressure of recording "once in a lifetime" memories. We had a mediocre photographer at our wedding...I know the disappointment. I've also had the experience of selling what can't be seen until it's done. That was the most stressful part of the years with my window treatment business. So, I'm thinking about some other possibilities...some more realistic than others. In the meantime, I've got to figure out what to put on a resume to sum up my piecemeal job history. I'm not really sure how to start or what can be highlighted that will make make me attractive to an employer. So, I've got a project ahead of me.

Hurricane Irene came through here and did her best to wreak havoc. We woke up without power on Sunday morning and were in the dark until Friday afternoon. My daughter Arielle was supposed to fly in to New York from Israel on Sunday afternoon. Clearly, that didn't happen as we were experiencing tropical storm force winds. She was there as part of the BirthRight program which sponsors travel to Israel for young jewish adults. Consequently, THEY picked up the tab for her extended stay in Tel Aviv. Lucky girl! The first day of school for Joel was also delayed as a result of the storm. He was scheduled to begin on Thursday but the island was still in disarray with no power in a lot of locations. They sited student transportation as one concern as we still had street lights out everywhere. Tomorrow is now "the big day"

I had plans to be away a good part of the week to see a few Bruce Hornsby concerts. Anyone who's read my blog for an extended time knows that I'm a devoted fan and see as many shows as I can when he's in my neck of the woods. Once again he generously granted me media credentials so that I was able to photograph the shows. The first was a great opportunity as it was the last performance on the tour where he was double billed with Bela Fleck and his band. Talk about an amazing night of music!! So while we were powerless I had the excuse to dart off to Connecticut, and Philly, and Manhattan, and New Hampshire. I heard a lot of amazing music and got to see many friends. The dates did allow me to stop through here between most of the shows and touch base as needed. My tour has ended for now but I hope to catch a couple more shows at the end of the month.

While in Manhattan, I had an experience I had not expected. I was walking toward the venue with a couple of friends and I looked up to see a poster for the show featuring a photograph that I took! It's was a little mind boggling and a real thrill. Yes...I snatched it off the wall after the show. How could I not? It may be my 15 minutes of fame so I needed to grab the proof.

Perhaps I'm in a state of post show euphoria but I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. So much worry has been relieved for now with Aaron working. We've taken the house off the market until we see how the job plays out....so that concern is gone. It will be a big adjustment for us all for me to begin working more than just teaching a couple of classes a week. But worrying about that is putting the cart before the horse. I have to find something first. I've got my thinking cap pulled down tight on my head. I would love to be my own boss and be in control of my schedule. But then, who wouldn't?

I'm swamped with concert pics, so keep an eye out! Something will probably pop up here or on the photoblog soon!

I LOVE Morning....

2011-08-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Bright Spot

2011-08-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

I have done a disproportionate amount of complaining about Long Island here on this blog. But today, I need to honor the one thing I honestly love about living here....and that is being near a shore bird habitat.

The first summer we were here, we bought two kayaks. I have not had near the opportunity to use mine that I would have hoped. It's too heavy for me to manage on and off the top of my van alone. And, while Aaron goes out often....he prefers to go out mid day when the intensity of the sun is at its worst. Being a blue eyed blonde, I have no business out in the burning rays. Even covered in liquid shirt (never sunscreen rated below SPF55), I still break out in hives. So, my kayak excursions have been limited.

But this week, I was able to arrange to store my kayak at a boatyard at the harbor just a mile from my house. It's easy to drag the boat from the rack to the shore so now, I am finally free to enjoy the water and the birds at the time of day that is best for me.

Our harbor is beautiful and filled with a huge variety of birds. This little map shows my launch point (x marks the spot), and the island in the harbor that is habitat for herons, egrets, terns, skimmers, oystercatchers, all kind of sandpipers, plovers and more! A little planning with the tides and it's an easy paddle around the island where I can get close to shore to photograph all my feathered friends. And there is something so peaceful in paddling through the wetlands, surrounded by thickets of grass. It feels like a big adventure right in my backyard.

I'm posting photos of the birds from our harbor on my photoblog. For an ongoing birders tour of my little corner of the world, please visit me there!

Many Thanks...

2011-08-09T04:28:00.001-07:00

I really deeply appreciate the comments I received on the last post. Not only am I touched by your kind words and encouragement...I also appreciate knowing you are each still with me. I wrote with a little trepidation...what if NO ONE read? I should have known better as our friendships ARE real. All your comments are so encouraging and inspire me not only to try and stay strong, but also to continue to share these challenging experiences with you...friends who care.

I know some of you have been through your own very rough times over the years. I feel privileged that I have gotten to know you through times good and bad. What I am experiencing now is the true joy of blogging. Thank you!

Rose - I've been mentally shouting "ENOUGH!" for about a year now. One thing I've learned is that we don't get to choose when we've had enough. But we can hope for is a reprieve. I'm not a pessimist, but I have sure learned to be a realist. Thanks so much for your thoughts, encouragement and prayers.

Lisa - You are absolutely right, our blog friends are a very special breed of friend. You are one of the wonderful people I've known through this medium for EIGHT(?) years now. It gives me so much peace to know that you and the others WILL be there when I break down and decide to dump the mess of my life here. I think you know I'll be there for you too. Thank you my friend.

Paul - When I saw that you had visited, tears came to my eyes. I thought I had lost touch with you. I find joy in knowing that our connection is still intact after all this time. I've missed you and hope to hear from you again.

Phinney - I wish we lived closer too sweetie but at least we live close enough that we've really spent time together. I know you're always there when I need you. And, don't sell yourself short in the strength department...you have been through as much as anyone I know. You have had some incredible struggles all the while showing nothing but strength to your friends, family and your son.

Don't stop talking about what's going on. If you're not up to blogging. Call me....

Cynthia - I know you understand exactly where I was coming from when I wrote this entry. If even an occasional entry can help us through our most troubled times, then we need to stick with it. You have had a very, very tough few years and when you write, your introspection always makes me think and it inspires me to be stronger. Thanks for having the courage to share the way that you do. And thanks for being here for me.

Monica - I feel that hug! :) Sending one right back at you! I know you are like me in that when times are tough, you get quiet and stay in touch with your beautiful photos. It's safer to speak through photos than through words sometimes. But I also know, you have followers that really do care about what's going on in your life and they'll be there when you're ready to share. If you're not ready to blog, please send me an email and let me know what's up with you.

I BELIEVE one day we will have the chance to do that photo outing together. I know we'll have an amazing time. I'm counting on it!
:)

Susan - Thanks so much for reading and commenting here AND for all the hugs! We're just starting to get to know each other via blogging and it makes me smile to feel the connection strengthening. I feel like your spirit is as big as Oz Land. Thanks for sharing some of that beautiful spirit and your hugs and encouragement here.

You all are amazing and today my heart feels so full. I'm sending lots of love out to you all.

8/2/11

2011-08-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the anniversary of the last day of my "normal" life. The last day I felt fully like myself. Six years ago today, the first (and worst) of a series of events began that have pulled me further and further from feeling my place in the world. Six years is a long time to drift and I still have no real vision of what will bring me back to a sense of stability. Who knew that at the age of 54, so much of my life would feel so far out of my control.

Today is the sixth anniversary of the terrible accident that killed my sister and my nephew. It's a loss I've learned to live with but some days my psyche and my heart finds it almost impossible to accept.

Since that day, I have been repeatedly thrust into life changing situations that have challenged my belief that a life I envision for myself is within my grasp.

Six years and one day ago, I was living in a bubble of contentment. I loved my home and my community, I had wonderful friends around me, my family was intact and we were emotionally and financially secure. That day now seems like ancient history. It all started with a devastating phone call. I relive that moment frequently in my head and still can hardly believe the news it brought. It broke my heart and robbed me the ability to believe that my loved ones are protected and safe. And now, so much more has happened I feel little confidence going forward.

My husband lost his job...not once, but twice. The first we knew was coming and we would have weathered it better if it was not in the immediate shadow of Meg's death.   I was grieving while things were uncertain and I was not up to the task of providing Aaron with the support he needed. He looked for work for a year and when he found a job, it required a relocation. I was about to be faced with my next big loss....either my husband, or my home.

I chose to keep my marriage intact but the price for that choice has been monumental. I loved my home, I loved where it sat, I loved (and still love) my neighbor there. I loved my friends. I loved my place in the community. I loved the surrounding area. I loved that everything around me was filled with memories of my precious children growing up and happy times with my dear friends. In my heart...I was home.

But I left it. I can't let myself believe that it was the wrong thing to do even though my gut told me otherwise. It would have been worse to divide my family.    I've regretted that I wasn't more forceful about my instincts. It's like another death to me. Just like I can't get my sister back, I can't get that life back. My homesickness is like a rotten spot on my soul. It's a festering wound that just won't heal.

The first two years in our new place were rough. I was heartsick to be here and felt tremendously displaced. Were it not for the few friends who supported me over the miles, I don't know how I would have made it. It was very difficult to meet and connect with anyone here. I felt "out of sight, out of mind" with many people I'd left behind and that was painful. Some days I'd look around and think "where am I? WHO am I?" Of course, it put tremendous strain on my marriage.

By the third year, I'd made one friend and was finally getting my head around "this is where I live." While I was still very fragile with homesickness, I was getting a bit stronger and a more peaceful in my day to day existence. Then, Aaron came home to tell me that he'd lost his job.

Aaron was working as an executive at a semiconductor company. It was a high paying position with a lot of responsibility. He was laid off because the company had hired a new CEO and (as is not uncommon) she cleared the executive decks to bring in her own team. From the moment she was hired he had an inkling this could happen, yet when it did we felt blindsided.

That was almost 18 months ago. He has been looking diligently for work all along but things far out of our control an obstacle. We are a statistic heard on the news every night. We are the "over age 50 long term unemployed". Aaron has exceptional skills and experience. One prominent CEO in silicon valley invited him out to meet on a consult and told him that his resume "glowed in the dark". But there are no jobs....there are no empty chairs. And he can't get considered for a lower level position because his experience is a "threat". No one wants to hire someone who could do THEIR job.

Our expenses here are staggering. Everything was within our budget when Aaron was working. This was not a case of borrowing more than we could afford. Thankfully we have money in the bank....we were conscientious about saving all our married life. But now we are watching that nest egg hemorrhage.   We have put the house on the market but real estate is in such bad shape here that it is listed for what we owe. All our equity is gone. We can't get anyone to even look at the place. With the economic uncertainty there's no surprise there. Once again, we are a news statistic....upside down on our house and no buyers in sight.

I watch what's happening in our economy and with our pathetic collection of "lawmakers" and consider our status as a statistic and wonder if there is anything we will be able to do to get through this mess and land on our feet. It's frustrating because for almost 30 years we really tried to be forward thinking financially....to plan for our future and the future of our kids. We left the home I loved to come here because this was the clearest path to ensuring financial security. Look where it got us. Without a job or a buyer the outlook is pretty dismal and some days we are more discouraged than others. The last six years has been a long haul of heartbreak and disappointment. I'm tired....I'm tired of feeling this way. Hopelessness is draining. I keep looking for that one thing to grab onto.....like a solid stick in a flooded river. I need to grab onto something to keep from swept away, pulled under, and drowned. But, nothing feels like the solid anchor I hope to find.

I'm hesitating to push the publish button on this as the latest in a long series of woeful posts.   But today's anniversary is significant. It was the first and most overwhelming loss in a series of losses that I'm struggling to recover from. It's hard for me to wrestle with any one without all of them falling on top of me.

I've been wanting to return to blogging for awhile and all this emotional clutter gets in the way. I'm hoping that if I dump it here one more time that maybe I can resume a pattern of blogging about TODAY without dragging in all the baggage of the last six years. I'm going to try. I hope a few of you out there are still with me....

iPhonography

2011-06-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

This entry is cross posted to In My Dreams I Can Fly...

I have a confession to make...I drank the iPhoneography kool-aid.

I really like my iPhone. I don't know anyone who has one who doesn't. The people at Apple are geniuses. It's not a phone...it's a fabulous toy for grownups.   It just so happens you can make a call with it.

I rarely took photos with my old phone. I didn't start taking photos with this phone right away. But then, I discovered the creative apps....I discovered iPhoneography...and I quickly learned that it's an art form that is being widely accepted by BIG names in traditional photography. Photographers from National Geographic, Outdoor Photography and other major publications are ladling out the kool-aid to the rest of us.

It's being embraced for what it is. What it is NOT...is a replacement for high quality dslr photography. It's really a new creative medium that you carry in your pocket. For people truly passionate about photography, it's not a way to turn a bad photo into a gimicky "good" photo. At present, we're limited in the amount of control available in making the image. You can't set your shutter speed or control your depth of field. So it becomes very much about composition and applying a new medium to a well composed picture.

It's fun and it appears that the creative possibilities are almost limitless.   Google it...you'll be amazed.

June 5

2011-06-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

Just checking in at the beach party for a little small talk.

Right now, I'm far from New York...sitting in my brother in law's living room in Barrington, IL near Chicago. We're here to celebrate my mother-in-law's 80th birthday.

Aaron and the girls drove out ahead of Joel and me...airfare for five was just too steep. But Joel isn't finished with school yet and we had to make a quicker turn around on the trip. I love traveling by car and would have enjoyed a bit of a road trip. But at least we got lucky and our flights were on time (early actually) and NOT packed like sardines. We'll see how it goes on the return trip.

Our realtor is holding an open house at our place while we are away. We just dropped the price on the house by a painful amount and it will be interesting (perhaps excruciating) to see if we can now draw in any potential buyers. I spent the last two days before we left town cleaning like a mad woman. I'm sure that anyone who has ever sold a house can relate to what an enormous pain in the ass this process is. For the moment, I'm glad to be far away from that reality.

We have a small family and live far from everyone. We haven't seen Aaron's parents since this time last year. In light of all the uncertainty we are living with, it's a comfort to be here and feel like part of a larger whole. It's good to talk and laugh, recall times past and just be with people who are "mine". When your family is spread out, you forget what a comfort it is to be among them. I was actually dreading this trip a bit because these days I feel so fragile. The problems aren't gone, but surrounded by these people, I feel bit more buffered from everything we've been dealing with.

The party is this afternoon, and there is so much to celebrate. My inlaws (and my mom) have made it to their 80's and they're all healthy and independent. I feel almost childlike in wanting to be in the presence of the security of the previous generation. I am aware of how lucky we are to still have them with us and I want to take this day and hold onto it with all my might. It could all change in one unsuspected instant. Boy, hasn't that lesson been rubbed in my face again, and again. As I sit here writing, I clearly see my mission of this day...to let each of these dear people know how much they are loved, and how much their love means to me.

Have a great week everyone...

Away One Year

2011-05-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Wow...

It has been, and continues to be an overwhelming year. I'll save that for another time.

Martha at Menagerie has started something new to attempt to draw bloggers into new sense of community. She's describing it as a virtual cocktail party. The idea is to write a blog post at least once a weekend and then link through her blog to the community. She's suggested a little blurb about what's gone on that week, or a recipe, a photo....just about anything. Click here for more details and to join in.

I have missed that feeling since the demise of AOL journals. It was SO different back then. I've missed the connection that we used to have. So, I want to support Martha in this effort and hopefully regain some of the community spirit we used to enjoy.

I've been away for the last year for a couple of reasons, but the most significant is the tough times my family has been facing. We're still in the midst of it and there's a lot of uncertainty. I hope that maybe I can use these posts to put some focus on what's positive.

With that...

I want to share a big music event that's going on today....right now! Bruuuce.com (a fan site for Bruce Hornsby) is running a fund raising event for 25 hours in support of two great causes, the ALS Association and the National Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (in the UK). For 25 hours, at www.dailydoseday.com, live recordings are being posted for free download. Each hour five additional downloads are added...one from each from five great artisits (Bruce Hornsby, Bela Fleck, The Grateful Dead, Phish, and Dave Matthews). The downloads are completely free but the hope is that listeners will choose to help to support these causes by making a donation via the links provided on the site.

I invite you visit the site, download and enjoy the music and consider supporting these worthy organizations. If you like these bands, this is a chance to grab music that is not in wide release. And if you're a fan of one, chances are you will like it all. It's a rare opportunity!

Happy Memorial Day everyone

***Quick edit...I just made the rounds of the links posted so far. Everyone's offering up some pretty amazing recipes. All we need is the music! Who's ready to dance?

A Difficult Farewell

2010-05-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

After three agonizing days, my ten year old golden retriever, Berkeley passed away.

I was away visiting my sister last weekend, and Arielle called to tell me he was acting strange. I arrived home on a late flight the next day and took him to the vet the following morning. An xray revealed coins in his intestines, and they did surgery that day to remove them.

But, they also discovered an abnormality with his spleen and removed that as well.

Post op, they were concerned about heart arythmias and about low red blood cell count. He was transferred to an animal ICU where he could get transfusions.

This is a long drawn out story of 48 hours of phone updates, worry and stress. Here, I'll share a short version.

Yesterday, it was suggested that they xray his lungs to see if he had any evidence of cancer. If so, we could assume that the spleen biopsy would come back to confirm it. He did have nodules in his lungs and his heart was slightly enlarged.

I visited him there yesterday morning. He walked into the visiting room on his own. We sat on the floor and he pressed his head into my chest like he always does to get his ears and neck scratched. But he wore out clickly and slid to the floor. I laid with him for awhile, then asked them to move him back where he could be reattached to his monitor and IVs.

Arielle and I went back to see him last night. He seemed like maybe he had turned a corner. He was upright and interacted with us, even though it was somewhat lethargic. He had not been willing to eat but I was able to coax him into taking a little cheese. Our plan was to not think about the cancer right now, but to try and get him recovered from the surgery and hopefully have a little quality time with him at home. I could tell the doctors were not optimistic, but I was feeling hopeful because he was doing so much better than he was in the morning.

I got a call in the middle of the night to tell me he was crashing. I was in a stupor. They asked me if I wanted to come down but I knew I couldn't safely drive myself there. Aaron was out of town so I would have to drive myself. They suggested another xray to see if he was bleeding out, but they were also leaving the door wide open for me to let them put him down. I couldn't give up, I ok'd the xray.

But he was under too much stress and he was experiencing arythmias....they called me 30 minutes later and said he was in cardiac arrest. They attempted about 5 minutes of cpr while I was on the phone, and then I told them to stop. Berkeley is gone.

I have a very heavy heart today. He has been my constant companion...my shadow for his entire life. He was my walking buddy, my fuzzball, and one of my babies. It all happened so fast and now, our whole family is in shock.

February 23, 2010

2010-02-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

Two and one half years ago we packed up our family and moved to New York. This week, Aaron was laid off.

Yesterday was his last day in and he spent the day being professional and putting a positive spin on this reorganization of the company. Today, for most of the day, we've been doing a post mortem on the entire experience. Not that it changes anything, but for some reason he needs to look for signs that were missed or things he should have done differently. Tonight he has a "farewell" dinner to attend, and he's reheresing his speech. I am beyond blown away at how he's facing this.

As an executive, he'll have severance compensation so finances won't be a worry right away. Clearly, everything we spend money on will be more tightly scrutinized. I feel like I was blindfolded, stuffed in a sack, then dumped by the side of a lonely road in the middle of nowhere. I wonder how long it will take for us to find our way back to feeling settled. That's all I want. I've just about given up on ever feeling like I'm home.

Westminster Dog Show 2010

2010-02-18T07:49:00.000-08:00

***I am moving my online portfolio to Zenfolio.com. It appears to have tons of great features that makes sharing your images on blogger and facebook super easy. This post is my first attempt at embedding a slideshow into an entry. Let me know if it's working for you.***

Joel is off school this week for winter break. We've been busy the first few days, but now we're just going to chill out the rest of the week, I think.

Monday, we went into Manhattan to meet up with a friend from Allentown and go to the Westminster Dog Show. I watch the show on tv every year, and have always thought it would be great to attend.

We went for the early part of the day, during the "best of breed" judging. The floor of Madison Square Garden is divided into six judging rings so there are multiple competitions going on at any point in time. I did my best to take photos from the stands, mere mortals do not have the ability to get down on the floor and be on eye level with the dogs during the judging.

However, we could go into the backstage or "benching" area where the dogs and owners spend their time before and after the judging. It was a mob scene back there, but you could watch as the dogs were being primped, talk to the breeders/owners, and pet and coo at the dogs. Many of the animals were happily tucked into their crates. With all the people and hubbub, it clearly has the potential to be a high stress environment for some of the animals. We could tell that many of these dogs were more than happy to be in their "safe place". But, just as many were delighted with all the attention they were getting from all the attendants. I'm sure there wasn't a soul back there who didn't LOVE dogs.

We didn't stay for the evening group judging but we were back on Long Island in time to watch it on tv. It was really cool to recognize some of the dogs who went on to that next level, however none of my favorites won their group to move on to best in show. Next year, I think I'll plan a little differently and hopefully spend even more time there. For a real dog person it's an experience not to miss.

Jan 30, 2010

2010-01-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

It was a pretty uneventful week. It seems lately that, though I have quite a list of things I want to do, I feel stalled out. Here at the house, I wander from one project to another, putting things down and moving on before I really even get started. It's frustrating.

Getting out of the house is the best medicine. It doesn't help at all with getting me drawn into my projects, but it does get me doing something. I'm enjoying being out on these brisk winter days.

On Friday, my friend and I went to explore the Quogue Wildlife Refuge. It had been recommended by a Long Island birding enthusiasts site as a good place to see a nice variety of winter waterfowl. We weren't particularly blessed in that regard that day but we discovered their beautiful hiking trails.

It was supposed to be in the mid 40's on Friday, but it started out below freezing. While we were walking the trail, the most beautiful snow began to fall. It was big fluffy flakes that would stick to my checks and lashes. Walking the trail was like walking in a fairy tale. I was positively jubilant. I just LOVE winter.

The wildlife refuge also has a sanctuary for distressed wildlife and birds of prey that have been rescued but are unable to be returned to the wild. I'll be posting images of some captive bird of prey on my photoblog. Come see...

What Makes YOU Happy?

2010-01-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

This challenge was presented to me as one of the participating contributors to Women On...

I RARELY do memes. But this one seems to have come along at a time when I feel open to the idea. Maybe it's because I know it would do me good to really think about what makes me happy...to remember that there are some things that make me feel completely alive.

And so...here are ten. Not necessarily a TOP ten, and in no particular order.

My Camera - Having my camera in my hands, anticipating the moment to press the button and seeing that I captured what I saw in my mind's eye. It makes me so happy to see that I have created a beautiful image. It makes me delighted when someone else tells me an image I've made speaks to them.

Music - I am initially attracted to the music I love by it's structure. Lyrics are usually secondary. I want the sound to take me somewhere and when it does, I am ecstatic. I love live music, when I can experience the passion of the musician visually as well. At the very tip top of my music happiness list....a Bruce Hornsby concert.

Dancing - Goes hand in hand with music. But, dancing with a partner stifles me. I'm a whirl and twirl, dance with reckless abandon girl.

Water - Any body of water delights me, from the ocean to the pool. I love the sounds of water, crashing waves, babbling streams, thundering waterfalls, the quiet lapping at the edge of a lake, the sparkle in the sun, the perfect parallel ripples, and of course, the life it attracts. I love to be IN water. I love to be wet and feel the sun shining on me. I love to swim and splash. I love muffled silence below the surface. And I love to close my eyes and just float.

Hugging My Children - I can't exactly classify being a parent as a "happy" experience. There are many happy times, and plenty of frustrations. But, holding one of my children just kind of sums it all up for me. It says how much love we share and how much we want to keep each other close. I hug my children every chance I get.

Dogs - There's nothing like a dog. I love all dogs, and of course mine in particular. Who cares if they are furry and often smelly? They are demonstrative in their affection, they are loyal, accepting, engaging and funny. It especially makes me happy when my dogs welcome me home....or into the room. They love me, they want to be near me, and they make me laugh.

Real Friends - The people who I know I could go to any time and share my highest highs and my lowest lows. The people who get me, and appreciate my quirks. Some of these people have been face to face friends, some I've met and come to know via the internet. But, they're all REAL friends and they let me know that. I love them and it makes me SO happy that we share our lives, the hard times as well as the good.

Spending Time With My Sister - She is one of the most precious people in my life. I had three sisters. One, I never knew....she died when she was a baby. For 45 years, I had two sisters and there was nothing like that relationship. I was so happy when I was with them. I loved how we could all burst into laughter spontaneously at an unspoken joke. I love how a bit of the child I was surfaces when I am with my sister. I have one sister left, and unfortunately, I don't see her near enough. That makes the time we do have together even more treasured.

Exploring and Discovering - I'm thinking of walking on the beach, eyeing the flotsom and jetsom that has washed up. I love finding unusual broken shells, beautiful feathers, bits of driftwood, interesting stones, colorful seaweed, etc. But I do the same in the woods, or along the side of the road. I think I'm drawn to the wabi-sabi nature of it. I find dried plants to have a sculptural quality. I love finding new life peeking out through the detritus of the previous year. I marvel at the shape, line and color of natural design. The diversity of life on earth takes my breath away as does the evidence of the passage of time. As much as I try to keep my eyes open and not "miss a thing", I have to wonder how many hidden gems I walk right by.

Having Creative Time - I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't consider myself one in the traditional sense, but I love to take time and try and create. I love dabbling with all types of mediums, but my favorites are textiles and photographs. It makes me happy to see things that I have created around my house. These creations will allow my children and my grandchildren to have a sense of who I was. Not only do I have the pleasure of making these things, but I have the sense that I will be leaving something behind. An additional layer of happiness comes from receiving affirmation....that someone else appreciates what I have created and it brings them a moment of pleasure or joy.

I need more....which is good news. I thought I'd have a difficult time coming up with ten but I could go on, I'm sorry that I have to leave anything out. This was a much better exercise than I had anticipated...THAT makes me happy. I'll stop after this one last happiness item of note.

Sunrise - It is my spiritual time of day. It stops me in my tracks. It makes me want to sing and dance. It is a promise of possibility. It is a gift of another day.

Part of this challenge was to pass it on to ten more people. I won't do that part. Putting anyone in on "the spot" doesn't make me happy. But, if you decide to give it a try, please leave me a link so I can come by.

2010-01-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

I posted a few recent phots from a little winter walk at the beach at my photoblog. I don't know if anyone's watching it an longer, so I thought I'd make and announcement.
:)

We've had quite a hassle with Aaron's car this week. Who needs all these fancy features? It's infuriating.

I drive a beater of a Chysler minivan. Aaron drives an Acura.

On New Years Day we hit a crater of a pot hole on the Cross Bronx Expressway while driving back from PA. It was so huge, we blew out a tire. We pulled over to the right onto a little strip of shoulder between the Cross Bronx and another highway merging in from the right. We came up right behind another driver who was out changing his tire which was apparently blown out in the same pot hole.

Aaron changed the tire fairly quickly and we were on our way. Over the next couple of days he did some research and decided on what tires he wanted to purchase to replace the current ones. He called a local place asking about them and they said they'd have to do some checking to get back to us. We didn't hear from them for days and then Aaron had to leave for a business trip.

So...now I'm on tire aquisition duty. The place Aaron had been working with is staffed with lazy dolts. They never did get back to us and when I did a follow up call, he "checked the computer" and told me that no one had that tire.

I made a few more calls and finally found someone who had them, but there were a little more than Aaron expected to spend. I was done doing leg work so...this was the place that was going to win our business this time.

By now the car had sat in the garage without moving for 5 days. I went out to put the damaged tire back in the trunk, and the trunk latch wouldn't work. So, I went to get into the car to open it from the driver's latch and noticed that the car door was ajar. That's special...now the battery is dead. While feeling a bit put out, I knew this was only a minor set back. My van was parked just a few feet away.

I don't know a lot about cars, but since my first cars were VWs....I learned the basics early. I CAN change a tire and jump a battery. I opened the hood of Aaron's car, and the battery is nowhere to be found. Everything in the engine compartment of that car is covered. I tried to open a couple of the covers but they had no obvious release and they didn't want to come off. I'm scared to force anything like that.

No problem, I headed to the glove box for the owners manual....which wasn't there. There were several other little booklets, but I no reference where I could look at a little map of the engine and find the battery. I did find a toll free number for road side assistance. Surely they could tell me where the battery is hidden.

I called and got a very polite representative who was only too willing to help too much. He kept insisting they could send a service truck to my rescue. OK...it's not really necessary....just tell me where the battery is. No, no, no....it's not that type of assistance. They'll be happy to come help this poor damsel. I finally agreed while asking "how long?" He assured me that it wouldn't be too long, the average wait was about an hour.

This was just plain silly to me. I have cables, the other car is just a couple of feet away. If they'd just tell me WHERE THE BATTERY IS....I can have this done in about 30 seconds. Why would they insist on incurring the cost of sending someone out when they can just give me the information I need and I'm on my way. He insisted his job was to send out assistance and if I wanted this information, I needed to call the dealer.

By the time talked to a service rep at the dealer, I was so frustrated I was near tears. He told me which cover to open and how to get it opened without breaking it and voila....I clipped on the jumpers, tuned the keys and I was done.

Why do things need to be so ridiculously complicated.

So, now the car is running and the tire issue is resolved. But Arielle went with me to pick up the car and drive it home. Apparently, since the power was drained, the GPS/audio system will not reboot without a code number. Aaron doesn't remember the code, it's not in the owner's manual (which Aaron had taken from the car and put in the office), and the number suggested by the dealer didn't work.

Where's my VW?

Jan 8 2010

2010-01-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

After two days a naseau and shivering under 40 blankets, I have returned to walk among the living. Unfortunately, tonight Arielle is sick. There's definitely a bug in the house. The good news is that Aaron is in Las Vegas at the Consumer Electronics Show and out of range of infection. Husbands are the biggest babies...

For those who asked....YES!! I certainly DID go dance on the stage at Hair. Would YOU pass up the chance to dance on a Broadway stage? It was clearly the only way I was ever going to get there. It was great!

I have a little story to tell about Joel, but first a little background. If you read my blog WAAAAYY back....you might recall that he

a) digs his stubborn heels in about homework and

b) he is the world's pickiest eater. He's actually gotten worse in this regard, with his list of acceptable foods dwindling to about 5 choices...most of them white.

This semester he has been in his third year of Spanish. He's never done very well in Spanish as he made up his mind on day one he HATED Spanish and that it was just "too hard." But, he's coasted along in the C range. It caught up with him this year. He was behind from the start and rather than do the work he needed to do to catch up.....he just fell further and further behind.

He has asked me repeatedly to allow him to drop out of this class. But, I've refused to consider it on the premise that letting him out of it because he's decided to slack is just the wrong message. What's to keep him from deciding to slack in all the rest of his courses next year? It would be worth a try for him if he knew he had the option to bail. It's a path a want to avoid.

But, both his guidance counselor and his teacher have come to me with the recommendation that he drop the course. They feel that at this point, the pressure we're all applying to the spanish situation is having a negative impact on his performance in his other classes. So, I have finally decided to bend on this on the condition that he steps into another elective next semester. Dropping Spanish does not buy him a free period.

His counselor emailed me yesterday and told me that the only available elective that will fit in his schedule is......international foods. The ultimate irony. I wrote her back...."Have you met my son?" But I decided this would be an interesting test. Would he opt for a course where he'd be faced with "exotic" food, or would he suck it up and decide maybe spanish wasn't quite so bad/impossible?

Well, he chose the food.

He knows he'll have to handle and cook food, but he seems pretty sure that they can't force him to eat it. His counselor has told him that he can't go in there and start immediately making a stink about how none of the food is anything he would consider eating. At the very least, he will (hopefully) learn to at least politely push the food around on his plate. Maybe.....just maybe....if no one makes a huge deal about it, he might even TRY something new when no one is looking. I can always hope, right?

These situations are not in the parent's manual. I know....I checked.

Jan 6 2010

2010-01-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

Just got back from an overnight in Manhattan. Arielle and I went in to meet up with our dear friends from Allentown, Janet and Emily.

Now that we no longer live across the street, and the girls are on college, Janet and I both feel we need to build some travel traditions as a foursome. This little jaunt was great and we're ready to start planning the next one.

Arielle and I drove in this time. It was only my second experience navigating the streets of NY by car but I'm proud to say, it went very smoothly. We got around without getting lost (and NO GPS) and we only got caught in a gridlock once. There's so much to watch for....the street signs, the pedestrians, the cabs, the bikes, the busses, the double parked trucks. It's a challenge. But I feel like I have a better sense of the lay of the city than ever before. I wouldn't hesitate to drive in again. That's something I never expected to hear myself say.

We ate great food and spent some time in a museum and saw Hair on Broadway. At the end of the show, the cast extends an invitation to the audience for all to come onto the stage and dance. That is RIGHT up my ally....but no one else in our group was game. Are you kidding?!?! When again will I have the opportunity to dance on a Broadway stage? Gotta do it!

Adrienne went back to Pittsburgh today for her final semester. Aaron's also gone for the next 10 days for business. Arielle doesn't have to head back to Massachusetts until Jan 17. I'm glad she'll be here for awhile longer. If we can find a nice day, I think we're going to go in to the Bronx Zoo. I think it would be terrific to go in the winter when no on else is there.

It's taking some time to learn my way around this new computer. So far, I'm liking it. I downloaded the trial version of photoshop for Mac. It's a bit different and I'm trying not to get frustrated. I've been very uninspired photographically over the last few months. The display on this Mac is gorgeous though, so I'm itching to drag out the archives and play around. Maybe, I'm on my way back.

Jan 4 2010

2010-01-04T03:47:00.000-08:00

That's my first time to write or type 2010. It often seems that 2009 was this fresh and new no more than a month ago. It goes WAY too fast!

I'm starting the new year, and decade with a cold and a new computer. I'm also starting with a new commitment to blogging. I really, REALLY hope is sticks.

This past year, I've felt that every time I sat down to try and write, I was whining. There were more than a few entries that were written then deleted on that premise. I can't guarantee an absence of whining, but the sand is starting to shift here and I think I'm going to need the outlet.

I'm not going to get into a lot of backstory and detail today, but I think this year may hold in it another move. The situation is in it's infancy but the signs are impossible to ignore. Another year of very tough choices, of working to accept what cannot be changed, and trying to find the tranquility to just live with what life throws at us.

All this is so new...too new to really even begin to talk about. Aaron and I have had a handful of conversations. But I feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb. My head's full of questions and concerns, my heart is unsettled and I know I'll need feedback and support from somewhere. I hope that place is here.

2010....new year, new decade....another redefinition of life.

Look Out Below...

2009-07-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

We're back on Long Island and I'm trying to plow through the photos I took on the trip. I seem to have a chronic problem of taking tons of images and getting few to none posted. But this was so overwhelming, I have to share.

On our third day in the Adirondacks, we happened upon this beautiful waterfall. The Adirondacks are full of falls, many of them are miles off the road. But this one was easily accessible by a very short path, and seemed to be a spot well known but not overly crowded.

My kids love to go to waterfalls...and so do I. We love to scramble up the rocks and there's something so pleasurable about perching near the edge of a falls just in range of the cool spray. There were a few folks swimming in the pools at the base of the falls, and I'm sure we would have been too if the air temperature had been higher. Seventy degrees is a little chilly to venture into cold mountain water. At least, for some of us.

However, there were a few brave souls....and I DO mean brave!

As much as this terrifies me to consider, how I wish I had the nerve to do it. It looks like SO much fun!!!

7/19

2009-07-19T04:14:00.000-07:00

It's our last morning at Lake Placid. It's chilly and the clouds are heavy and full of drama as they roll over the mountains. The shadows and light are constantly changing on the peaks. I could watch forever.

I love this area....the Adirondaks. It's another place I would not hesitate to return to. I'd even consider living here if I could. I've learned a couple of things over the last couple of years. I love altitude, and I connect more with lakes than the ocean.

Is it just me...or are vacations complicated? Overall, the five of us ave had a good time together. But, there have been points of such incredible frustration (on my part). The maintenance level of the members of this family is exhausting. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but there were so many times I'd look at one of them and think "just get over it!" "IT" was never worth the negative energy being put forth, and certainly not worth unloading said energy on everyone else. I love these four people but some of them (2 in particular) are really difficult to spend extended time with. They're just too needy, and pissy when their needs are not met. And somehow...if I try and address that fact, it all gets turned around and becomes about ME. I just don't get how that happens.

So, as beautiful as it is here....as happy as I feel in these surroundings, I'm ready to get back to LI where we can go our separate ways and have some space. It makes me sad that THAT is what I'm looking forward to. It's not supposed to be this way, is it? I'm haunted with wondering where I went wrong.

My Space....well, I can dream...

2009-07-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the week we spent a few hours kayaking on Lake Placid. I was surprised at the boathouses on the lake. One after another, we paddled past beautiful structures built to provide housing for watercraft, often with a room or two above.

But when I saw this one....all I could imagine was what a great space it would be for an escape. A studio perhaps. I love the windows all around, and the beautiful view in every direction. I know realistically, it's not weatherized and would be miserably cold during an upstate NY winter. But if it could be...I think I'd love a space like this. I'll keep dreaming.
:)

That's Joel paddling by....

Weather....or not.

2009-07-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

View from our room of Mirror Lake and the village of Lake Placid.

Weather is always such a big factor in a vacation....especially with my family. And, so far, the weather has been iffy at best.

I try and plan for all weather possibilities. I always want something to do. Ideally, we'd be out enjoying the area by hiking to high peaks or looking for waterfalls. But, no one really wants to get five miles out and then caught in a pouring rain. Yesterday, we got rained on a couple of times, but the rain was light and short lived so it wasn't bad at all.

Just in case, I always pack books, projects, misc. art supplies...things to engage us if we can't be out. I usually can keep myself, and one or two of the kids busy and happy. My "strict" girl scout upbringing = always prepared!

Aaron looked at the weather forecast last night and went into a bit of a funk. Today, it's supposed to be overcast and chilly...high 50's. He grumbles like there's something we can do about it. I'm actually glad to hear that the weather is supposed to be cool. Since I've passed age 50...I'm too warm all the time anyway. I'm much more willing to venture out appropriately layered for cool weather than walk into the blast furnace of real SUMMER weather. I find this weather, a relief.

No one else in the family is up yet....I've got to get them moving so we won't miss breakfast. Then, the discussion will begin....with all the overtones of disgust because it's not sunny and 80 degrees. What to do, what to do? I think I can jolly my children through it and "save the day". In regards to the husband, I'm not so sure.

I will now don my smiling face of optimism.....

07/11

2009-07-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

I'm a little embarrassed at how long it's been since I sat down to write in this blog. I'll be honest, I've been discouraged at how the community has just kind of died back. I miss my visitors, but I'm just as guilty of not getting around the neighborhood the way I used to. But, I want to keep trying.

My lack of posts is not due to a lack of things going on. On the contrary, it's been a bit of a whirlwind. I'll give the very short version, and then try and fill in some blanks with follow up posts.

Most of my attention and energy has revolved around Arielle. She and I went to Allentown for a visit in May. She had her prom here in NY in June, and that was followed by her high school graduation, including grandparents coming to visit. I cannot believe we have two of the three kids through high school! It just went WAY too fast.

Of course, upcoming graduation meant we spent a lot of time over the last few months squaring away the college decision. She decided on UMass in Amherst.

Right before the 4th of July, I took her up to Amherst for her freshman orientation. I had never been there before I fell completely in love with the area. I would move there in a heartbeat!

The orientation didn't involve me at all. I dropped her off, and had two days to "play" while she was attending sessions and tours and making her schedule. But, I got a bonus! I have an very, VERY old friend who lives in the area. I hadn't seen her in thirty two years! As a matter of fact, we'd only been in touch twice in all that time. So, we were reunited and it was WONDERFUL! That's an entire story by itself that I want to share. I just need to sit still long enough to tell it.

I'm teaching aquatic fitness regularly at a national chain exercise club. I'm not particularly impressed with the way the program is run, but I am loving being back to teaching. I have a teaching style that is distinctly unique from the other instructors. This is going to sound snotty....but it's true. I'm the only instructor they have who has been educated specifically to teach in the water. I'm sure the other instructors are very effective in their particular areas of fitness expertise. But, what one knows about spin, or aerobic dance doesn't exactly translate to the water. The exercise mechanics in water are in many ways opposite to working on land. We had a "master" class for instructors recently and I learned two of them don't even swim! This just strikes me as....off. The good news is that the participants love my class....and tell me so on a regular basis. I'm getting a solid following.

We're leaving tomorrow on a family vacation up to Lake Placid, NY. I am so, SO looking forward to the trip. We will be in a setting that (to me) is just about perfect....a mountain lake region. I will be able to walk out the door of our hotel and take a three mile walk around a lake. I expect I'll be out a dawn every morning...weather permitting...either walking or out in my kayak. I'm also hoping to do some waterfall photography. It's something I've done some research on, but haven't had the opportunity to practice. No waterfalls on Long Island.

We started our vacation week today with a trip into Manhattan and a Broadway show. We promised Adrienne....uh....at least 10 years ago that we'd go see Phantom of the Opera. Well, we finally get her there.

I'll have to say, I wasn't really all that excited seeing the show....but I loved it. Visually, it was just a feast. I was so fascinated with the staging and THE COSTUMES!! Being the textile junkie that I am, I was just dying to get up close to those costumes....all that color and texture. They look so detailed and intricate from the audience, I can only imagine what went into them. I was looking on the internet for some images of the masquerade ball scene (which was spectacular)...but can find nothing that begins to do it justice. I'll keep looking.

So, that's the scoop in a nutshell. I really will try and do a post or two while we are traveling. I've neglected my photo blog just about as much as this one. But, I'll promise to try and do better if anyone is still with me.

Oh....and one more thing...

Something very exciting is brewing. Something I've worked toward, but have not dared believe was possible, for a long time. I won't say it yet because....while it's clearly in the works, its not cast in stone. I'm afraid, I'll jinx it.
:)

Floating Away

2009-05-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

This weekend, we did something we've been talking about for at least two years. We bought a pair of kayaks. This was on the top of our "as soon as we move to Long Island" list, but it took us 21 months to get it done. While we bought two, we only came home with one as Aaron picked a color that was out of stock. So his will be delivered in a couple of weeks. That means that for now, any kayaking will be solo.

I've always spent a lot of time around water. I've logged countless hours in a canoe. But, my kayak experience is limited to a couple of occasions where we rented them for half a day or so. Where we live on Long Island, we are less than a mile from a harbor which opens up onto the sound in one direction, and an extensive wetlands in the other. So I don't have to travel far for a little kayak excursion. We took the boat down to the harbor yesterday and each of us took a turn taking it out for about an hour and a half. The water safety instinct that has been ingrained in me said "out in a boat alone? Not a good idea..." But, I know that paddling alone is not uncommon, and true evaluation of the situation made it a no brainer. Lifejacket, close to shore, flat water...so I agreed.

I may have a new passion. Since moving here, I have become so accustomed to being alone that I had no issue paddling off by myself. Company is not a necessity. And once I was out on the water, it was so still and beautiful, and interesting that the time flew by. I could glide by the edge of the grasses and get much closer to the egrets feeding along the shore. I'm going to have to practice stealth kayaking....I still spook them. I saw a heron take flight and an oyster catcher on the shore and a big horseshoe crab swam by. I paddled around a little island inhabited only by birds. It's protected for terns and plovers and I saw both. It's going to take me a little time to get up the nerve to take a camera out with me. And now I know why I hung on to my older model when I upgraded...it can be designated my boat equipment. I'm looking forward to exploring the shoreline from the water, getting another perspective. If anything will help me embrace living here...maybe, this is it.

This is a map of the harbor with the general route of my first outing inked in. There's still a lot to explore right in the back yard.

Playing Favorites

2009-05-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

What I enjoy most about spring is watching my perennials reemerge. I welcome the return of color to the world and I like to see them thrive and fill with blooms as they get well established. I think of them as "mine" and when they come up, I feel reconnected with the earth. The sad part is that very few stay around as long as I would like, but as we move through the season, I have a series of favorites I look forward to.

Right now, one of my favorites is blooming full force. I absolutely LOVE columbine. They can be found in such a variety of colors and I love how they dangle at the end of slender stems. In PA, I primarily had purple columbines but here, I've been putting in more pink/red. They are exquisite and each day I go out to enjoy them. Like many spring flowers, the blooming season is too brief. I will miss them when they're gone.

May 15, 2009

2009-05-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well, the blog every day thing was good for the week that it lasted. I am stretched to the limit to have anything to blog about. I don't seem able to just pour my heart out like I once did. So, I look at each day, and consider the "highlights" to evaluate their blog-worthiness and think....whatever. I've been posting more frequently in my photoblog. I guess I've felt like, if I can't say it in a picture it's probably not worth saying.

Actually, there have been a few things going on. Most notably, I spent last weekend in Pennsylvania at my neighbor's house. I went to a fantastic solo Hornsby performance with the woman who now owns my house (Hi Kate!) While I was in Allentown, I caught up with a couple of other friends and my old shrink (we can be friends now). Janet and I went out to an Amish farm to buy garden plants...like we did each spring when I was living there. It was an annual sojourn for us. This farm specializes in a wide variety of pepper plants and all kinds of heirloom tomatoes. Aaron wants a tomato garden this year, so I chose a few different types for him. I've been seeing various articles about growing tomatoes upside down from a hanging basket. So I also selected three types of heirloom cherry and grape tomatoes and I'm giving that a try this year. I'd really like to have yummy little tomatoes right outside the back door.

I helped Janet put out the weed cloth in her garden so she could get her plants in the ground. It felt so right to be working along side of her doing something we both have always enjoyed. I was thinking of working in my own garden across the street. It was alway such a big job for one person. I was enjoying working with her so much I couldn't help but think, why didn't we combine our efforts when I was across the street and share the labor and the produce? We both looked out for each other's gardens if one of us traveled over the summer. When I shared the thought with her, we both could only shake our heads at the now lost opportunity.

The entire weekend was sort of like being in a dream...or maybe more like coming out of a dream. Everything was so familiar and most of it was completely natural to me. I was driving the same car on the same roads....everything looks basically the same. But then I'd drive up my street and I couldn't turn left into the driveway and pull into the garage. Instead, I pulled up in front of Janet's house like I needed to make a quick stop before I going home. Then, I never went home.

Everywhere I went, I felt like it was my routine. But I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying "don't let yourself believe you're home...you're not."

It might sound like torture, but it's not quite that bad. It is a mixed emotion experience. Some peace and some pain. I did feel more like myself than I ever do in NY. I'm still a fish out of water here.

I returned to NY on Sunday and my family reunited for a mother's day dinner. Arielle had gone to PA with me and Aaron took Joel and Adrienne out to Chicago to see his mom. They had a great time and she really LOVED having them there. This was the second time that he's done this...taken the kids to his mom on mother's day. I'm glad he does, she sees so little of them and it means a lot to her.

Monday, was again like being in a dream...or just waking up from one. I went about my life here and by now it's all fairly familiar, but this time, there was no comfort in that familiarity. I see my old life as if through a mist. I want this to be the dream...and to wake up and be home. But, this is the reality. The dream cannot exist.

What an Amazing Sound...

2009-04-11T06:02:00.000-07:00

I guess I tend to get obsessive about things, especially when I'm running away from emotional pain. I find something that will put me SO in the moment that I don't think about what hurts.

Now, I am totally fixated on the birds returning to Long Island. Spring is very slow in coming this year. I'm not seeing much in terms of new growth and the weather has (for the most part) been dismal. But each day I'm seeing more (and a wider variety) of birds, if I just go looking. It puts me in the moment, so that's where I've been.

I've mentioned the osprey nest. I cannot stay away. I was out watching them yesterday and noticed that they were very reluctant to leave the nest unattended. There must be eggs up there, and I want to be there when chicks eventually peek over the side. I can't imagine how they fledge....it's a LONG way down. It's something I don't want to miss.

Yesterday, I was sitting and watching when I realized I was hearing a very unusual sound. It was like moving air with a soft whistle. The whistle was multi-pitched, like a chord and the chord would rise and fall slowly and very rhythmically. It's really almost impossible to describe, but it was a beautiful sound. As I became conscious of it, it made me think of the sound I'd heard when I'd heard a swan fly overhead.

I've never lived in a place where swans were indigenous. Until I lived on LI, swans were like decoration to me. You'd see one or two that had been purchased to adorn the retention pond at a high end condo complex. Certainly their wings were clipped and they weren't flying anywhere. Out here, we see swans regularly, usually a pair occupies a particular body of water. But this year, there are a multitude of swans everywhere. I'd noticed a huge flock of swans on the river that feeds into the sound right where I watch the ospreys. I counted, there were 30 of them. They're so territorial (and aggressive) that I was more than surprised at the number of them in one spot.

Back to the point. I heard the sound and I thought I recognized it as the sound of a swan overhead. I turned around, and there were SEVEN swans just about to fly right past me! They are HUGE...it's amazing to think of them getting off the ground. It has to take amazing power to keep them airborne. And the flapping of the wings was the source of that soft and beautiful whistling chord. There was no way to get them all in a single frame, but I managed to capture three.

The Birds

2009-04-09T18:44:00.001-07:00

I know that one reason I don't post as frequently is that I can sum up what's going on in a pretty short statement. I watch birds.

How much can I say about this. I've found a few spots where I find beautiful birds to watch (and photograph)....and I can sit there for hours (literally) and watch, and fire off hundreds of shots.

I was out today, but not for as long as I would have liked. It was the prettiest day we'd had in over a week, and I headed out to try and photograph an osprey nest I've been watching. What incredible light there was this morning however, there wasn't a lot of activity. One of the birds was away from the nest the majority of the time, and the other was up there just keeping watch. I missed a couple of incredible opportunities, I'd look away or get distracted by something else, and one of the ospreys would leave or return to the nest. But, I am patient...and I will wait.

I had a time constraint today, and I pushed it just as long as I could before I had to leave. Nothing had been going on for quite awhile, but I gave myself just ten more minutes. My stalling paid off.

I can't wait to go back there tomorrow.

4/8/09

2009-04-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Day three of the one week bloggathon.

I'm thinking maybe posting regularly will start to feel natural again. I sure appreciated what everyone had to say in the comments about our old community. Maybe we can pull ourselves back together.

Warning...this entry will definitely feature some wallowing in self pity...just so you know and want to click out now.

Passover begins tonight, and therein begins my emotional distress. For most of the last 20 years we have celebrated this holiday with our close friends, our Jewish family, in Allentown. We didn't make it there in the fall for the traditional Yom Kippur break fast, and a variety of circumstances precluded us from going tonight for the holiday celebration. I'm having a terrible time with it, and struggling with a world class case of homesickness today.

I'm making a little Seder for the four of us, we'll at least have that. But, with all my heart I want to be with that same crowd of friends as we retell the story.

I'm thinking that perhaps I'm hurting from this a little more than I might because it comes directly on the heels of my trip to Indiana. I was already struggling with homesickness and bittersweet nostalgia. I've come to realize that, I'm ok with being in NY on a day to day basis. I don't love it, there's still a lot of emptiness associated with it, but there are some characteristics of the area that do engage me. Where I get into trouble is when I start thinking about my life either in PA or in IN. The feelings of loneliness and of being uprooted overwhelm me. The scab is ripped off the wound and I completely fall apart. That's where I am today...and it really sucks.

Another thing dawned on me this morning that I KNOW plays a part. When I made the decision to convert to Judiasm, I gave up all the major holiday traditions that I was raised with. It wasn't easy, especially when those holidays are going on all around you for weeks. But, I was committed to that decision and I just swallowed the loss. Then, as out family grew and we made new traditions with friends, that void was filled. This time, through circumstances beyond my control, I have lost all my holiday traditions again. Now, it's easy to think "start building new ones!" But realistically, the traditions evolved through the raising of our children over the last 20 years. The children are now mostly grown and the friends of 20 years are celebrating in PA tonight without us. Traditions take time....lots of it. And, we're one year into this.

My rational mind knows everything that's wrong with what I'm saying here. I'm constantly scolding myself about being such a big baby. I repeatedly find myself stuck in the same place within different situations. I can't go back, but I don't know how to move forward. Part of the intertia comes from fear of facing more hurt. I really am afraid to attach to anything for fear of losing it. In the last three years I lost my sister, I lost the two places that I considered "home", and now my holiday traditions are slipping out of my grasp. I would LOVE to find a way to get ahold of myself....to come to my senses and move on. But for the life of me, I just cannot figure out how.

Break the Silence

2009-04-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

Martha at Menagerie posted an entry about how infrequently she has been blogging recently. She has the week off work, and proposed a challenge inviting her readers to join her in a mini bloggathon and post every day for the week The point is to help some of us regain some consistency in posting.

I know that I have really lost my momentum. I've been reduced to posting about once a month. It's a combination of having a lot of things competing for my time, an apparent loss of readers, and the feeling that I have nothing of interest to share.

So, I accepted the challenge. I miss what I used to get from frequent posting. Things just have not been the same since we moved to blogger. I feel overwhelmed by the number of blogs I come across that are of interest. I can't begin to follow them all. I want to follow my old favorites but often miss their new posts. And I have to decide between spending my allotted blogging time reading or writing.

I definitely do not spend near as much time at the computer as I once did. Through blogs, I have been introduced to so many creative ideas that I feel compelled to DO rather than be satisfied with a vicarious experience. At any given time, I could be doing what NEEDS to be done around here (NAH!!), or be out taking pictures, or editing the hundreds of photos I have that need work, or sewing, or......well, you get it. But I feel a sense of loss in sharing with my online friends, and perhaps this little challenge will help me to recapture a bit of that.

I'm really going to try to post SOMETHING each day this week. It may not be much, but if it's more than nothing then I've succeeded. There is value in this. I know it from the quality of friendship that I have found. Thank you Martha for encouraging me to recapture it, before it entirely slips away.

4/6/09

2009-04-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, this is a situation that just a few years ago I never would have imagined. I'm in my hometown in Indiana...staying at the home of my oldest childhood friend, four doors down from the house where I grew up. It's just weird.

Arielle was accepted to Indiana University, and she and I made the trip out here so she could get a look at the campus. We flew into Indianapolis yesterday and drove to Bloomington. We visited with my cousin and his wife, then took my nephew and his girlfriend out to dinner. We spent the night in Bloomington and today was pretty well consumed by campus tour/orientation for accepted students.

I didn't go to IU, but several members of my family and many of my close friends did. I have enough of a history there that touring the campus brought back a lot of memories. The weather was awful, but I really loved every moment of walking through the campus.

I expected this trip to be essentially a formality. I thought Arielle was already to a point where she was feeling like she'd made a decision. But, she really liked IU. She says she's got some research to do and a big decision to make. It looks like it's going to be IU or U Mass.

I don't really know which I'd be happier about. I'd like her to be close, where it's easy for her to get back to us. There's also a piece of me that would like to have her out here in Indiana. I'd have a reason to come back here from time to time.

But, being here has not been without its emotional pitfalls. I had made plans to come down to Bedford and visit my friend, but as I was leaving Bloomington and heading this way I was so anxious I felt sick. The tears stung my eyes as I drove past my grandmother's house. I was overwhelmed with sadness when I went past my home. It's like an empty shell...the family that occupied it for the last 100 years has abandoned it. I felt a bit like a traitor.

I cried a bit when I first arrived at my friend's, but she was expecting that this would be a difficult visit and was prepared to mop me up if she needed to. It wasn't that bad, but the fact that I'm up here now in her guest room instead of down the street in my room is just too unnatural to put into words.

It makes me wonder if I want an excuse to come back here. Just like the PA situation....I can't visit the friends I love without having to wrestle with the pain over what I left behind.

It's a short visit....just one night. Tomorrow we head back to NY. But first, I'm visiting the cemetary. I need to be with Meg and Daddy, my baby sister, Schuyler and my grandparents for just a little while. I'm afraid it will be too long until I'm back here again. I know it's going to break my heart. But I just need to go.

Carmina Burana

2009-03-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, Arielle's high school chorus and orchestra performed Carmina Burana together with the Ithaca College chorus. They did a very impressive job and the soloists from Ithaca were extremely good.

Throughout the performance, I couldn't help but thinking what a wonderful experience it must have been to be on that stage. In high school, I participated in both concert band and chorus. I went to a small midwestern high school that couldn't support a full orchestra, but I was very dedicated to my participation in band and especially enjoyed when we performed "serious" music. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to be in an orchestra, playing the piece we heard last night. It had to be a real thrill. I'm delighted that Arielle had that opportunity.

I'm sad to think how that part of my life has slipped beyond my grasp. I can't tell you how many years have passed since I picked up a flute, yet the soloist last night moved me so that I ached to play like that. I know that if I were to dig it out of the closet, I wouldn't get that beautiful tone and fluid expression out of the instrument. I think I might still be able to squeak out a B flat concert scale. Yeah...that's probably still with me.

I was not raised to pursue visual art. It's ironic that my energies are so intensely directed that way now. I WAS raised with a lot of musical encouragement. I don't have a lot of innate talent...but I loved to practice so I wasn't half bad at the instruments I pursued. But in my adult life, I haven't had (or made time for) making music. At least not much.

After my dad died, I bought a piano. I went back to taking lessons and was getting into practicing again. It was all starting to come back to me. I prefer playing the piano because the music I can make is so much more full than playing the flute alone. Then, when Meg was killed, I just stopped cold. I'd sit down and play a bit and it all just felt wrong. I can't explain it...I felt nothing and too much all at the same time. The piano seemed to call to me, but I couldn't approach it...I just couldn't.

It still feels that way. I see the instrument sitting in my living room and I'm drawn to it but I can't bring myself to put my hands on the keys. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the emotion it will evoke or the fact I KNOW how rusty my skills will be and the frustration and disappointment that will come from that. It's a roadblock I can't seem to break through but after last night, I think I should try. I know it's all part of a bigger issue I'm having with clinging to pain and not allowing myself to feel joy.

But, I've decided that I'm going to call a tuner and get it in shape. It's a step...a tiny one but a step none the less. Then we'll see where it goes from there. I'm not destined to have the experience of playing as part of an orchestra, but after last night I realize that I need to try let musical expression back into my life.

A Whirlwind Trip

2009-03-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

I'm back in NY after a quick but wonderful trip to Sedona, AZ. I am absolutely IN LOVE with Sedona and I'm ready to go back NOW!

We had three days in the area and we tried our best to make the most of them. We did as much hiking as we could and I have so many photos....well, I'm embarrassed to admit how many. I have some work cut out for me.

I returned to somewhere around 15 inches of snow and it was no easy feat. I was aware of what was going on weatherwise on the east coast and I was certain that my flights would be cancelled and I'd end up with a day to explore Phoenix. But, my flight from Phoenix to Philly took off on time....to the complete disbelief of everyone on the plane. My luck ran out in Philadelphia as my flight to Long Island was canceled...as was the only later flight. After standing in a line for an hour to rebook, I learned that they couldn't get me on a flight until Wednesday! I really didn't think that renting a car and driving was an intelligent option, so I continued my sojourn by train. Five hours...three train rides and a cab later...and I was back safe and sound. The same is not true for my luggage. I've got my fingers crossed on that one.

My car is still at the airport and the driveway has not been shoveled so I definately have my work for the day cut out for me. The snow is beautiful and I was not sorry to have it greet me. I'm finding the weather contrast, each breathtaking in its own way, uplifting and spiritually invigorating.

2/26/09

2009-02-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

My extended lack of blog posts is directly related to the distinct lack of anything of interest going on around here. I guess that's just winter on LI. I've had the opportunity to meet up with a couple of my favorite blog pals (You girls know who you are) which was wonderful, of course. Other than that, I've been out on a few photo shoots, working around the house, doing the mom thing...etc. So much for that.

But, today I am heading out on a short trip to Sedona, AZ. Aaron is out in Tucson now for work, and must be there again on Monday. So, I'm going out today and we'll spend 3 days among the red rocks. I'm racing around doing my last minute organizing and packing. I'm very excited to make this trip.

I was out in the southwest about a million years ago. My parents took the family on one of those cross country road trips as far as AZ. We visited someone from our hometown who was living out there at the time, who was a geologist. Now that I'm mature enough to be interested, I wish I had that kind of guide. But, back then I did appreciate the sheer beauty of it all and I'm very much looking forward to immersing myself in it....if even for a very brief time. I won't make it to the Grand Canyon this time, but I'm hoping that it will whet Aaron's interest in a return trip before long. One of my biggest regrets is that we never took the kids on a cross country jaunt. A roadtrip is my kind of travel!

I think I'm taking more photo gear than clothing. Priorities, right?

Well, at least this should guarantee a couple of days more than worth posting about.

See ya...

Haunted

2009-02-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days, I've been carrying the grief of 51 families.

I was devastated to hear about the plane that went down near Buffalo Thursday night. Whenever there is a tragic accident, I find myself reliving my experience over again. I can't separate myself from those who are getting the news...their loved one is gone,without warning, through no fault of their own, in the blink of an eye.

This one affected me intensely because of the fire involved. Those families will have no remains, and will be forever haunted by what they imagine of the last moments of the lives of those who are lost. It's agonizing....and it never leaves you.

I was listening to the news last night and they were describing how the plane rolled and pitched and then just fell out of the sky. The fear those passengers must have felt, if only for a few moments, had to be more excruciating than anything we can imagine. My heart is broken for them, for what they experienced, and for all those they left behind who must somehow come to terms with the unthinkable.

Just Random

2009-01-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight as I was making dinner, I was cutting up some beets. I love beets, but we just started having them regularly. I guess I assumed that no one else liked them. One day I thought I'd just give them a try and everyone (who eats like a normal person) likes them very much. All these years, beets could have been part of the menu.

Working with the beets made me think about my grandmother, Hartie. She was the kind of grandmother that loved being with children and was always teaching us things by engaging us in her activities. We adored her and soaked up her wisdom and guidance like little sponges. I recall one time that I was helping her in her kitchen. We were getting ready to put up pickled beets. She'd had them in boiling water and as she was straining them she gave me this little pearl...
"If you're ever in a vegatable peeling contest and you get to pick what you peel, pick beets." She then proceeded to show me how, after being boiled, you could squeeze the beet right out of the skin. I was sure she was right, in a peeling contest the person peeling beets would certainly come out the champion. This memory always makes me smile and I feel the love I still have for her well up inside me.

Then I was thinking, in 2009, how absurd a vegitable peeling contest sounds. I guess there could be an event like this somewhere in some small town at the county fair. But it almost sounds ridiculous to me. So much changed in her lifetime. She'd tell us stories about how she and her siblings would run out to the road to see the first car in town go by. She lived to see a man go to the moon. Of course, THAT was something that was pure fantasy when she was young.

I can't even begin to predict what I'll see in the remainder of my life. How much more technology can we absorb? I'd like our technological efforts to more away from entertainment and be more focused on curing diseases, feeding people and eliminating all types of suffering. And I hope we find some solutions to the damage we've done to the earth. I know I don't need an even bigger tv.

********

Arielle has all her college applications in. Most of the schools have notified her that they've received her application and are waiting on her transcripts. They're also sending her their marketing materials. Yesterday, she got a big color brochure from Indiana University. While I didn't go there, I spent a lot of time on that campus as a teenager. I was startled by my feelings as I looked at those familiar limestone buildings. They were very strong and all about home. I would love for her to go there and give me an excuse to make regular trips to southern Indiana. Of course, I'm going to keep my mouth shut because this decision is about her, not me. But it's all kind of ironic to me. I remember a time that I couldn't wait to leave Indiana. I never thought I would yearn for it like I am. I never felt homesick for Indiana while my mother was still there but now that it's no longer home, I'm longing to be there. Who knows how I'd feel when I got there and was faced with the fact that the stability it represents to me, is gone.

******

The Dead are going on tour this spring. There are going to be several performance in the north east. Aaron's brother is a HUGE fan and has been to countless shows. We talked about him coming out here and all of us going to two together.

Today the tickets for the entire tour went on presale at noon EST. Larry was trying to get tickets for two other shows he wanted to attend, so I was to get the tickets for the New York performances. I started trying to get on the site a little before noon. For the next two hours, I tried to get on the site. Larry and I were checking in with one another regularly but neither of us was having any luck. Larry was also communicating a few other friends of his that were looking for show tickets. No one got in.

Finally, I made it into a "holding area" where I was on a queue to order tickets. Finally, the ticket order comes up and I entered my request. Guess what! SOLD OUT! Larry didn't do any better, nor did any of his friends. No one got tickets. It makes me sick because we KNOW that a vast number of those tickets were gobbled up by brokers. I looked on a couple of sites and sure enough, there were seats being offered at up to ten times the actual cost. Isn't ticket scalping illegal? Why is this not considered scalping?

*****

Here in the northeast, we're getting ready for a real blast of bitter cold, COLD weather. I wish it would come with a foot of snow. It seems that Long Island winter is tempered by the water that surrounds us. I love getting snowed in at least once a year.

*****

Monday is my birthday.

********

Berkeley is doing much better. His hot spot is almost healed. He had to wear one of those clear cone collars for about 10 days. I had no idea what a pain in the ass those were...for both him and for us. He knew it was there, but he didn't get that his head now took up three times more space. He was knocking into everything and scraping it along the wall. And every time he did, it made a loud noise. I felt so sorry for him, it had to be incredibly loud inside the cone. He was constantly bumping into me...and he was a total hazard if he was around me on the stairs. We're all glad we're done with it...hopefully for good.

Tiffany

2009-01-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

I'm so overwhelmed with pictures right now, I don't know whether to just plow through editing them or just touch up a few and get them posted. I usually take the plow through approach, which almost always takes much longer than I expect and then, I don't get anything posted at all. So, before this is completely stale "news", I thought I'd get these up.

Last Sunday, Aaron and I went to an exhibit at the Nassau County Art Museum which featured Louis Comfort Tiffany lamps. We've all seen the faux ones, and I know I've only seen a real one before because Aaron's brother collects them. But what a spectacle to see so many in one place. The room was very dimly lit, and I don't think I fully appreciated the intensity of color in these works of art prior to seeing them illuminated. Most of the lamps we saw had a nature theme and I was very interested in how the florals were pieced together. I could see working it into a quilt applique. Is it ok to rip off Tiffany? I think if I refer to the pieces as my "inspiration" or "muse", I can get away with it.

Anyway, I took photos of all of them (it was allowed) and I wanted to show a small example. Can you imagine one in your living room?

this pattern below is one that I would LOVE to do in fabric...

I really loved this piece. Totally impractical...but I have the perfect place for it!

12/30

2008-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

You think taking care of kids is a challenge until you have an injured dog. OK..I've been VERY lucky, my kids have never had anything seriously wrong (knocking on wood). What's up with the dog isn't particularly serious either, but it's driving us both (the dog and me) crazy.

Over the weekend, Berkeley developed a hot spot on his neck near his ear. He scratched and scratched and scratched until he had a seeping raw wound. Today we went to the vet and she clipped the fur around it to get it cleaned up. She had to give him a tranquilizer shot to be able to do the clipping, and she also gave him a steroid shot to try and relieve some of the irritation. She put him on two medications, plus I have a topical medication to fight infection. AND, he got a collar which is making him nuts. It's not one of those lampshade collars, it's more like a huge flat flexible donut.

This poor animal is miserable. The vet told me that he would probably come home and be lethargic after the shot, but the exact opposite is happening. He doesn't want to lie down with the collar. When he does, he rests a little while then springs up in complete agitation, runs around the room, then drops to the floor and starts scratching madly. I have to keep him from scratching but of course, I can't sit down and explain to him why he has to stop. I'll hold his leg down and talk to him and he whimpers. He's wrestled the collar off twice but I think I finally have it secured to his normal collar so he can't get out of it. I'm a little afraid to go to sleep because I don't want him tearing at that wound all night.

I feel terrible for him, he's so uncomfortable. Poor baby, he just got up and ran across the room and is standing facing the corner. I think he is tired, but he can't settle down. I hope eventually he'll be so exhausted he'll just crash for the night. If he doesn't, I don't know that either of us will sleep.

Anniversary

2008-12-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

Unbelievable...

Today is the 5th anniversary of the beginning of Walk With Me. Like so many others, I started blogging feeling certain it would be short lived. Yet, here I am...five years later.

My original journal is safely archived away. It would have been such a shame to lose it. The last five years was the most challenging time in my life. This journal saw me through a very difficult time in my marriage, the death of Meg and Schuyler and the subsequent aftermath, and a very painful relocation with all the difficulties involved.

Of course when I say "this journal" what I mean is you....my readers...my friends. I never expected this form of communication to become the lifeline that it has. I never expected that it would lead me to meet people face to face who have become some of my very closest friends. I've never had a huge following and many people have come and gone. But to all those who have been with me through the years...I thank you with the deepest sincerity for being here when I needed you most. I can't express how much it has meant to me to know that you're out there and you care. I appreciate the you've been here to laugh and cry with me. The value of your encouragement cannot be measured. If it weren't for you, I'm sure this is a milestone that I never would have passed. To those of you who have recently found me....welcome! I hope to get to know you in the weeks and months to come.

I know that my entries have been rather intermittent. I really want to try and do better about that. I also want to do better at getting around to check on everyone else. We all have the same problem...there are just many good blogs, too many interesting people out there. When I write here, I think of it as an open friendly letter. I write what I believe my friends would care to know. I write what I need friends to hear or if I need their support. Someone is always there and that's a comfort. At the start, I was sure that no one would care what I had to say. But you've proved me wrong. In this crazy world, everyone's time is precious. I am touched when you choose to spend a few minutes of that time with me.

To many more years together....

Kat

Photo Ops

2008-12-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

I've got to find some time so I can sift through the html code and see what's creating that damn line down the middle of this blog. It appeared out of nowhere, I didn't touch the code. But, there's no doubt that the code is the problem. I SO don't want to get into that right now.

Since I last checked in I've had two opportunities to do some concert photography. One (big surprise here) was Bruce. But the other was a little different.

I have a friend who has done some volunteer work with The Rex Foundation. Rather than put it in my own words, their mission statement reads:

The Grateful Dead was always known for generosity and the performance of numerous benefits. In the fall of 1983, the Rex Foundation was established as a non-profit charitable organization by members of the Grateful Dead and friends to further this tradition. The Rex Foundation enabled the Grateful Dead to go beyond responding to multiple requests for contributions, and proactively provide extensive community support to creative endeavors in the arts, sciences, and education.

The Rex Foundation aims to help secure a healthy environment, promote individuality in the arts, provide support to critical and necessary social services, assist others less fortunate than ourselves, protect the rights of indigenous people and ensure their cultural survival, build a stronger community, and educate children and adults everywhere.

Through my friend, I got hooked up as the official photographer for this Rex fund raising event, The Black Tie-Dye Ball, at the Nokia Theatre in Manhattan. The event involved a reception for supporters followed by at concert by Dark Star Orchestra. As a Grateful Dead tribute band, they tour recreating full set lists from the Dead's years of performing. If you like The Dead....you'll like Dark Star. They are extremely meticulous about capturing the style. The crowd was interesting. There were plenty of folks from "my generation" but there were also as many 20 - 30 year olds who wouldn't have had the chance to see the Dead except maybe as a tie-dye toddler.

I was a little self conscious about shooting the reception. I kind of felt like I was in people's faces. I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible, but everyone is aware of the photographer. Then I got to photograph the show...which was a kick!

The front area of the Nokia theatre was open for those who wanted to stand and dance. Theatre seats were further back in the mezzanine area. So, I started milling around in the crowd to take some shots from a distance in order to capture the entire stage. But after a while, I moved up into the photo pit. There were barricades set up about five feet from the stage to retain the crowd. I was able to watch and photograph the show from that space right at the base of the stage in front of the barricades.

It's so much fun photographing musicians. Between the lights and the intensity of the musicians, I could shoot almost continuously. Well, the lights are both a gift and a curse. When they work in the image....they really work. But they're constantly changing which is a challenge, especially since areas that lose the light can suddenly go almost completely dark.

About three quarters of the way through the show I remember thinking "why didn't I discover how much I love this when I was 20?" It's actually a kind of funny idea...I can just imagine my parents if I told them I was going to be a concert photographer. My dad referred to The Beetles as "those god damned hippies." Hind sight is 20/20...but I can't help but imagine what that life might have been like.

OK...here are a few more pics. It took me quite a while to get everything sorted and edited and ready to send out to the Rex people and the band. I'll post the Bruce pics on the other blog in a day or so.

11/23

2008-11-23T12:50:00.001-08:00

It's very quiet around here.

Arielle had five friends come out from Allentown for a visit. It was a bit chaotic having all those extra kids around, but I really loved it. This group has been friends for years, and it was wonderful seeing Arielle reconnect with them all. Next year, they will all be away at college. It will be harder than ever for them all to be together. I'm happy she could have this time with them now.

Aaron gets really stressed out when we have a house full. The noise and the chaos gets to him. But I remember how my parents always let us have kids to the house...and especially out to our cabin. We had such a good time together in a safe and supervised environment. My friends were always welcome however, I just took that for granted at the time. Now I can appreciate how important it is for parents to open their homes to their childrens friends. I feel even more strongly about it now that we've moved and the opportunities for my kids to see old buddies are few and far between. I want them to feel comfortable bringing others here. It's important to building new relationships as well as keeping the old ones solid.

No matter how loud it got around here, all I could think about was how soon Aaron and I would be alone in the house. Next year, both the girls will be off at school and we'll only have Joel here with us. Four years later and he'll be on his way. Four short years. I'm thrown off guard by the thought that the bulk of the child rearing will soon be behind us. I know they say you never stop worrying about your kids...but it won't be long before we have the day to day interaction with them. It happened way to quickly. I don't feel any older than I was when they were babies. How did they get to be 14, 18, and 21 years old?

I've never been one to wish time away. I've never been particularly anxious for the "next phase." I want to do more than stop time, I want to turn it back. I see young moms cooing at little ones in shopping carts or holding a child's hand as they hurry through a parking lot and I miss those times. They were demanding times, but precious none the less.

I enjoy peace and quiet as much as anyone else. But today, it leaves me feeling quite unsettled. All I hear is the ticking of a clock, reminding me that soon this "peace" will be the norm. I'm pretty sure that's not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Disturbing Dreams

2008-11-19T07:24:00.000-08:00

I had a disturbing dream last night. I don't usually remember dreams but I remember enough of this one that it's bothering me. I actually woke up once during the dream, realized I was having a terrible dream, but returned to it when I dropped back off to sleep.

It's a slasher dream.

I was in a house that I didn't recognize with people I didn't know...except I knew Aaron was there somewhere. A big angry man stormed in with a wielding a big knife and threatened to kill us, then started to slash people around me dead. I was sitting on a bench, sort of like a pew...at the far left end, and the person next to me was killed and slumped against me. The killer moved on around the room, and at one point, I saw an opportunity to make a run for it...which I did, and I got out of the house.

That's when I woke up.

But when I fell back asleep, I was back in the house and trying to avoid the killer. I could hear him terrorizing others. At one point, I saw Aaron and he told me to hide in a closet, which I did. But I became afraid that I'd get cornered in there so I snuck out and ran looking for somewhere safe.

Then I was in another room and Amelia was there. We climbed up into a loft area over a fireplace with some other people and were huddled way in the back. The killer and an accomplice found us. First we saw the accomplice, and (this is really weird) he was wearing what looked like a black crinoline dress with a white veil. The killer was right behind him and he was wearing an identical dress with a black veil. We couldn't see either face. He lunged toward me and I grabbed a chair and raised it over my head. My intention was to smash it over his head if he came any closer. I was hoping that one of the other people would grab another chair and smash him from behind. In that moment of hesitation, the alarm rang and I woke up.

I wish I didn't remember. I hate being scared or feeling panic. I won't watch a movie that I expect to be disturbing. They upset me too much. I feel like this imagery is going to be with me for awhile and I'd like to shake it. But I can't help wondering what it all means.

Splash

2008-11-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

My primary reason for going to Allentown last weekend was to attend a workshop put on by the Aquatic Exercise Association. I recently did the retest for my certification and this came along at a perfect time for a practical refresher.

I had two full days of class and pool time. Saturday, I did an all day seminar on personal pool programming. This workshop was geared to meeting the fitness goals of clients who would prefer one on one or small group (2 to 3 people) training as opposed to a standard aquatic fitness class. It did not go into the exercise science portion of personal training, but focused primarily on helping the client identify their goals, screening and program design. It was a "lite" day as we only spent two hours in the water...but it was 2 hours of workout. A great workout!

I had considered studying for personal training certification, and then all the complications of the last few years came tumbling down on me. I'm starting to revisit the idea. However, at this point I do feel like I have the resources and experience to put together a personal workout program for someone without major health issues or who is not recovering from a serious injury. We shall see where this goes. At the moment, I don't have a facility to teach at. But I think I'm ready to start looking.

The second day involved 4 short workshops, each with an hour of pool time. They thoughtfully grouped the pool sessions so that there were two back to back and we didn't have to CHANGE four times (actually 8 times). Two sessions focused on deep water workouts, and the other two were geared to the shallow end of the pool. All four introduced some great equipment I hadn't used before. I got exactly what I was looking for in the weekend...ideas...lots of them! I'm ready to go...I just need a class!

I was kind of expecting to see a couple of the other instructors from the pool where I worked in Allentown. I was really surprised on Saturday when I recognized no one. But on Sunday, there were three women there who I'd taught with in the past. Two were on the staff at the pool when I left, but the other I hadn't seen in many years. The ironic thing is...of all the people I've worked with there, she was the one I was closest to. I was tickled to death to see her and catch up

The only down side to all this exercise was that it seemed to exacerbate the issue I'm having with my back/neck/shoulder. It felt great in the water and I had no problem with range of motion. But once I was out, my shoulder and arm were throbbing and my fingers were tingling. By the end of the second day, I was hurting pretty bad during the last hour of lecture. I have to watch my posture, sitting certain ways really hurts. I couldn't wait to get back to Janet's and get some heat on my shoulder. Thankfully, heat does give me some relief.

I'm at my wits end about this back/neck/shoulder thing, so yesterday I started with a chiropractor. He thinks that it's all starting in my neck and causing muscles in my back to contract and then press on a nerve. He wants to see me three days a week for four weeks! I've only had one session with a chiropractor....a jillion years ago. It's kind of distressing when they adjust you suddenly and you hear all that popping noise. I did feel a little better yesterday when I was finished there, but this morning when I got up, I hurt like the devil. During my appointment yesterday, I asked him specifically about the pool exercise and he said he was all for it. So, I don't think I need to worry that I worsened it over the weekend. I think, if anything aggravated it, it was the uncomfortable chairs in the conference room.

So the next step is to try and identify facilities that have a pool and offer classes. I wouldn't mind linking up with more than one facility but it's going to take a little research. When we were shopping for a gym, I made a pool a priority and I didn't find much. If I was to do some individual training, it could be worth my while to drive a little further. I don't want to spend more on gas getting to the clients than I make teaching. If I'm not careful, that's exactly what will happen. Hopefully I'll get lucky and find the perfect (or near perfect) place close by.

11/11

2008-11-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

I returned from my Allentown weekend midafternoon yesterday. It was a weekend of many emotions and I'm glad that I went even though some moments were difficult.

I saw four people I intended to see, three of my closest friends in the area and my old therapist. I am bouyed to be able to spend time with these people and find our relationships are holding strong. Tears were shed, but they were tears of love. Those are tears that should not be denied.

Maureen and I have known each other for 16 years. Arielle and her daughter Cat have been friends since they were toddlers. We had a wonderful time catching up on each other's lives. Maureen is the type who will not sidestep difficult topics. She really DOES want to know what I'm thinking and feeling. I appreciate that. I have had so many experiences with friends who are afraid to touch what is most painful...the things I need to express most. But Maureen is not afraid of a friend's tears and will share them. We cried in each other's arms as we said goodbye.

Janet was my weekend hostess. She made me feel so welcome in her home. It's very surreal to spend a weekend there. As my across the street neighbor, it's completely normal to spend time with her at her house. But, it's very bizarre to gaze across the street at the house that was my home and then retreat to her guest room. We agreed that our relationship is changing in the wake of my move. Now we talk late into the night over a glass (or two or three) of wine and share coffee in the morning. You feel a new level in a friendship when you can be a guest for days and never feel like an imposition. We have to cram a lot into a small amount of time. It's nice to linger with her in a way that I didn't before.

Sweet Kate...my home is now hers. I so appreciate her patience and understanding and love. She's so happy in the house and is enjoying making it into her home. I know she wants to share her excitement in how she's settling in. But selfishly, I'm unable to let her take me on a tour and show off all she's done. I haven't let go to the extent that I can go in the house yet. My desire to go home is still much to strong and the loss still stings. She loves me enough to accept that and understand my inability to visit the house. I would feel this same terrible homesickness regardless of who was living there. My reluctance is not about her. I am SO happy that she is happy, and I love her for her respect of my feelings. She visited me at Janet's and never allowed me to feel guilty about my reluctance to venture across the street. I treasure her like a sister.

After much deliberation, I decided to contact my old therapist, John. I saw him for about 4 years and have missed him a great deal since I moved. He was someone that I had poured my heart out to when things were at their worst between Aaron and me and as a was forced to deal with losing Meg and Schuyler. He was who heard all the fear and pain and anxiety as Aaron lost his job and we faced the uncertainty of where we were going to land. There were no "cures" for these situations, but I have no doubt that I got through them as well as I did because I could go and freely dump my feelings on a regular basis and have his support. And laugh...OMG did the two of us laugh! That was the therapy he provided. I teased that I paid him to be my friend.

But, the truth is....we couldn't be friends. We were therapist/client. I have missed him so much and talked about him often with the therapist I see now. She encouraged me to contact him about this visit and see if he would see me. I called his office on a Sunday a couple of weeks ago to let him know I would be in town. I wanted him to have time to decide how he wanted to respond and not have to answer me in an unexpected spur of the moment phone call. He called me back the next day and said, of course he'd see me. Then, as much as I was looking forward to it...I was very concerned about a set back.

I arrived at his office and was received with a hug. We talked and laughed for about an hour and a half. And I sensed a shift in our relationship because he was more candid about details of his life than he'd been in the past. He talked of his partner by name. He shared some information about a long term medical issue. We talked about his music. I gave him the short version of everything that had happened with me since I saw him last. We just talked like friends.

As I was about to leave, I thanked him and told him how good it was to see him. He told me that I should never hesitate to call if I'm going to be in town...that he'd be happy to see me any time. His opinion was that I had a new therapist now and that was no longer his role. He also told me for the first time that his partner's extended family is on Long Island. They haven't been out here for a couple of years but when they next come out here, he will let me know. So in a way...I have a new friend.

So. it's all good....bittersweet...but good. I'm typing with tears right now. But, I'm also smiling.

The workshop was great! But, I'll save that for the next entry.

11/4

2008-11-04T12:43:00.000-08:00

I appreciate everyone who stopped by and left a note. It doesn't feel quite so lonely here now. I've been feeling a bit guilty over the last few days that I haven't posted after rattling at the gate like that.

I continue to be busy doing....who knows. I can't believe it's November. I'm delighted it's finally election day!!! I took Arielle with me for her first time voting. It's Adrienne's first time too and she's registered and set to vote in Pittsburgh. The lines here were not long at all. I guess that's an advantage to living in a "village". Population density is not an issue.

So now.....we wait. I hope all the polls are not misleading us.

I've been spending a lot of time with my sewing machine recently. I signed up for a short online class on mixed media collage. The primary media is fabric...something I'm comfortable working with. I've posted a couple of my pieces on my photo/art blog. I've got something in the works now and I'm tickled with how it's working out. It's going to be a gift for my sister. I'm never sure how handmade gifts are going to be met, so I don't do a lot of them. But I'm pretty confident about this one. I will post it when it's all done.

I'm going back to Allentown this weekend. The Aquatic Exercise Association is holding a weekend workshop there and I'm all signed up. It is the last step I wanted to take before I started to go out and look for a teaching gig. I've got my certification re-upped, but I wanted to get to a workshop and get some fresh ideas. I worked a lot with specific equipment when I was teaching in Allentown and I can't depend on any equipment being available anywhere I can get a class. I think I'll get up to speed a little quicker with some new ideas.

It will make for a long weekend. The sessions go from 8 - 5:30 both Saturday and Sunday. I'm not returning to NY until Monday....I was concerned I'd be too exhausted to make the drive after a day at the pool.

I'm approaching this trip with a bit of angst. I'm going to be staying with my across the street neighbor while I'm there. It's going to be hard to be that close to home, but not home. I am still wrestling with homesickness that overwhelms me at times. I want to be a big girl and get over this, but I'm very scared of how the trip will affect me. I intend to see a few people, including Kate who owns my house now. I want to see them...I want them in my life. But I am concerned I'll have an emotional backslide and the associated stress when it's time to come back here.

Speaking of stress, I've been having pain in my upper back for about 3 weeks now. It's right across my right shoulder blade and it feels tight. I'm constantly moving my shoulders around trying to get it to relax. But instead, it's spreading. Now I feel it around in front of my shoulder, and down my side, and sometimes even my arm is aching. I was scheduled for a doctor visit yesterday and had her assess it. She said she could feel a knot near my shoulder blade and that it was so tight, it was probably compressing a nerve. Then she asked me...."are you under any stress?" Gee...there's shocker.

We're on the tail end of autumn here. The leaves are all turned and most of the brilliant color is gone. It's going to take one good storm and they'll all be down. I hope that I have something going with the teaching soon. It will help me get through the dark gray months. I've got to be proactive and fight the doldrums that come with winter. I'm doing all that I know to do.

Helloooooooooo.........

2008-10-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if no one has found me, or if everyone is reading from their reading list or feedblitz,or are busy, or just not commenting, but I feel like I lost everyone. Can you humor me and leave a comment so I know you're out there???

Time Management

2008-10-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

This week flew by in the blink of an eye. I can't understand how I can get so little done in an entire week. But then I realize that even though I have a lot of available time, it ends up getting broken up into chunks that don't really allow for the completion of anything. I'll get busy, then have to stop for an appointment. Or, I'll start something, and it's time to go get the kids. I'll have to stop in the middle of a task or project to make sure we have what we need for dinner. And so it goes.

I did get one thing accomplished. I completed the reinstatement exam for my aquatic fitness certification. And,I've started back to working out at the pool. The gym we joined here is brand new and beautiful. It doesn't have the size and depth pool I was used to in Allentown, but I've adapted my workout for myself in this facility. It's an adjustment I needed to make if I want to try and teach out here. There's another two hours eaten up in a day. By the time I drive there, change, exercise, shower, and drive home it seems half the day is gone. But, it feels so good to get in the water and sweat. It's worth sacrificing a couple of hours 3 or 4 days a week.

I shouldn't be on this computer now. We have friends from Allentown coming to visit over the weekend and I'm getting a little frazzled about the house. In reality, it looks fine but I always drive myself crazy this way. Too bad I don't love housework. We're putting our guests in Joel's room (since we don't have a guest room) and I just spent the last two hours cleaning and tidying in there. And that was AFTER he'd "cleaned" it. I still want to do a lot of tidying and organizing in our office. My side of the office is the family dumping ground. If we don't know where to put it...it goes on Mom's desk (and becomes Mom's problem). Then there's my "work area" in the basement. When our friends were here for the Bar Mitzvah they didn't see the entire house...so I'm sure they'll want to go see the basement this time. The place where I work down there is definately an out of sight, our of mind space. So, it needs work.

I've spent more time than normal at the computer since we migrated over here. Now that we have the ability to monitor new posts in our favorite journals on the sidebar...I'm trying to stay up a little better than I had in the last year or so. I guess I don't want to fade into the shadows over here so I'm trying to get around and leave some comments. All it takes is time.

It's really been a pretty uneventful week. That's why I get so frustrated about how quickly it's gone by. Why am I not finding time to really work on (or FINISH) a project, or go through the tons of photos I need to sort and edit? I probably need a "to do" list...but, I'm sure I'd lose it. I can't imagine having to fit a job into the rest of this...and I know that many, many women do. Wow ladies....how do you do it?

Big Pictures

2008-10-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

If anyone is interested in the instructions as to how I post large photos in Blogger, I've typed them up and posted them to the Blogger Community Photo Journal here.

10/18

2008-10-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

I think I have found a friend.

Last year, in late fall, I was hiking at Connetquot State Park taking pictures. I came to a little bridge, and there was a woman standing on the bridge with a camera with the same lens that I was using. She said hello and we started talking. She was a frequent visitor to the park, and as it was the first time I'd been there, she offered to show me around a bit. We had a nice walk and agreed we should meet there again for a photo shoot.

Prior to yesterday, we've met at the park twice and spent a couple of hours taking photos. But this week, we talked about visiting another park that is further from where we both live. We agreed she'd come by my house and we'd drive out together.

So, we met up here yesterday about 8:30 and started out for the day. I expected that we'd get to the part, walk for a couple of hours or so then maybe have some lunch. Well, we were at the park ALL DAY. We didn't cover that much ground....maybe 3 miles...but we really took our time taking photos. We both enjoy macro nature shots, so we'd get to a spot....crawl around on the ground shooting things, each totally engrossed in what we were doing...then walk on. Her husband is also an avid photographer but he likes to do birds and teases her when she wants to take the time to photograph forest floor litter, small flowers or weeds. As any of my old readers know...I love these type of images.

We spent at least an hour at the north end of the park walking along the shore of the Long Island sound... and all of a sudden, it was noon! We decided we were both hungry and should head back to get lunch. But as we walked through the woods and fields back towards the parking lot, we got distracted more than once by the woodland minutia and the beautiful fall color. We finally decided it was really time to high tail it back when we realized it was 3:30 and now we were going to have to contend with commuter traffic. It's been a long, LONG time since I've had a day fly by like that.

I've got lots of images to go through, but I will be posting some of my favorites over at my photoblog. Meanwhile, I feel a little sense of peace. I think I've finally got a friend here in NY.

A Few Bumps Along The Road

2008-10-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

I hope that everyone is having success getting moved and settled in over a Blogger. I haven't posted anything here up until now becauseI wanted to get the space organized and functioning the way I want it. It takes some research and trial and error to get outside the templates offered. It's time consuming but it's also an entertaining challenge. I have never delved into HTML but I'm actually starting to understand how it's organized...at least a little bit. I can see a glimmer of what some of the possibilities are here.

My biggest frustration is photo posting. I'm hoping someone can give me some guidance on that front. It's obvious from my postings at AOL that I like BIG PICTURES. The blogger standard of "large" is small by my standards. I was able to modify the templates my archived journals with the migrated big pictures and they are showing full size. But, I have not been able to create a new post with a big picture. I've been googling around, trying different things and I either get a small picture or no picture at all. I've tried uploading directly from my computer as well as linking to a photo at Flickr. Has anyone had any luck with this? I'd love some guidance.

I'll cross post this to my journal at blogger and if I find a solution that works, I'll be glad to share. I know we're all going to be doing a little stumbling around. Can anyone help me avoid reinventing the wheel?

August 3, 2006 - A year is gone

2006-08-03T04:35:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of Meg an Schuyler's accident. On July 14, Busy and I appeared in court in Springfield OH to make victim's impact statements at the sentencing hearing of the truck driver who killed them. He pled no contest to two counts of failed assured distance and two counts of vehicular manslaughter. The judge sentenced him to the maximum penalty allowed by law...he will spend 6 months in jail and his commercial license is suppended for four years. While it hardly seems adequate for taking two lives, it is what it is. And I have learned (quickly) that it doesn't matter what his punishment might have been...it doesn't change anything for us. All it does serve notice to anyone else who sits behind the wheel of an semi truck. I can pray that just maybe, they take their responsibility for the people around them on the highway a little more seriously. The statement I prepared for the court follows:

This is one of the most difficult tasks I’ve ever had to do. There’s no real way to summarize the lives of Meg and Schuyler, the magnitude of our loss, or the impact this tragedy has had on our lives. It’s just too big.

Regardless of what is decided here today, it will not bring back the ones we love. It will not give us back our future together and it will not take away the pain of this loss.

I can attempt to put you in our shoes for a moment, but no matter how horrified you imagine you’d feel if this happened to you, in reality it is ten times worse. The experience is unimaginable until you live it. I wish I could remember how I felt before this happened. I wish I could remember feeling whole. When you are as close to a sibling as we three sisters were, they are a big part of who you are. There is nothing like the times the three of us were together. It was unimaginable that we would not have a long future together. We even believed that if or when we lost our spouses, we would drift back to living together under the same roof. Twenty years from now we were supposed to be sitting on a porch together laughing helplessly at jokes that only we understood and enjoying each other’s grandchildren. Meg will never have that now and Elizabeth and I will continue to experience a huge sense of loss whenever we are together.

I cannot begin to imagine or summarize the full impact this has had on Schuyler's father Martin or Amelia. I believe that Marty is submitting his own statement to the judge. They were both unable to come into this court and come face to face with the man who is responsible for their horrific loss. It is by no means easy for Elizabeth or I to be here today. But someone had to be here on behalf of Meg and Schuyler, to tell their story and attempt to paint a picture of who they were. We both felt that it was the least we could do for them.

Schuyler was the first child of the new generation of our family. He was cute as a button as a toddler and a uniquely endearing young man. He had an outrageous sense of humor and could make us laugh until we cried. His presence captured a room. His seven cousins looked up to him as he always kept things interesting. It has been a very difficult loss for all of us. But, for our children, it has also been a sobering lesson in the fragility of life. On August 3, 2005, a level of their innocence was stolen from them.

I believe that Elizabeth or I could talk endlessly about Meg. She was imaginative, hysterically funny, intelligent, curious, and a beautiful spirit. But most of all, she had the biggest heart in the world. At her funeral, one of her teaching colleagues said to me that if she had one fault, it was that she cared TOO much. She would do anything to ease the way for anyone, regardless of the personal sacrifice it involved. This applied to anyone, stranger or friend, including her ex husband after a particularly painful divorce.

She was a teacher with a passion for her field (biology) and her students. She had a special place in her heart for the student who struggles. She asked for the remedial classes where she could really make a difference. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to help a student succeed. They were welcome in her classroom any time for whatever help or support she could provide. Meg’s loss has been a tremendous loss to Anderson High School and the many students who will never have the opportunity to benefit from her wisdom and compassion.

I can honestly say that I am not the same person after experiencing this horror. To lose a sibling in the prime of her life and a nephew on the cusp of his is devastating enough. But add to that the nightmare of HOW it happened. Meg was looking forward to a trip with Elizabeth to see me in PA and be reunited with her daughter who had been vacationing with my family. She was enroute to Elizabeth’s house at the time of the accident and they were to continue on together from there. The three of us were excited about having a few days of sister time together. When I think back to that day, I still can’t believe it unfolded as it did. What should have been a lovely trip for my sisters never happened. Instead, Elizabeth and I went through hours of confusion and worry when Meg couldn’t be reached by cell phone. The came the horrifying truth in a call from Elizabeth sobbing “Katherine, they’re dead…..they’re both dead!”

I held Amelia as she sobbed upon hearing the news. Her life as she knew it had come to a crashing end.

As details of what happened trickled in, I couldn’t help but mentally live it myself. Put yourself in that car. I have mentally replayed those moments before they were killed countless time. Each time, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I pray to God they never saw it coming….that in an instant it was just over. I’m terrified this is not the case. How helpless can one feel upon seeing a semi truck bearing down upon them at highway speed. I’m sickened to think that they may have had even an instant of helpless awareness as to what was happening. They very well may have. In my mind, I watch the violence. They were crushed, mutilated, incinerated. I wish I could erase the mental images but they are seared into my consciousness. It will never leave me. I must live my life with these haunting images.

My family has also had to live with the nagging question of why. Statistically, it is nearly impossible that it would happen to one of us, that they would be in that spot at that moment. Why didn’t the truck stop? Meg had stopped behind other traffic that had halted due to another accident ahead of them. We have been informed there were no skid marks to indicate that Mr. Holland even attempted to slow down, much less stop. He was sitting high up in the cab of the truck with a clear view of everything that was ahead of him, yet he did not stop. At this time, we have no reason to believe there was any type of vehicle malfunction. We are left simply with the belief that Mr. Holland was operating the truck negligently and/or carelessly. To my mind, that is completely unacceptable when you are in control of a killing machine running at 70 mph.

Regardless of what happens here, we will never have Meg and Schuyler back. Since this happened, it has become a part of who I am. I feel compelled to tell people that my sister was murdered by a truck.

We cannot bring them back, but we can possibly spare another life and family from this grief. It boggles my mind that killing two people with a truck is a misdemeanor offense. I could have some degree of understanding if environmental conditions were adverse or the equipment had malfunctioned. The bottom line is, two incredible people are dead and we are left to figure out how to recover some semblance of a life without them. I call it our “new normal”

It is my opinion that Mr. Holland should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. He should not be able to return to operating a large commercial truck and his license should be revoked. It is not a privilege granted to those who are irresponsible behind the wheel. The next victim could be you or someone you love. Those who operate semi trucks need to be motivated to exercise constant conscious responsibility when they are on the road. We all have heard how truckers fudge their way around the laws to meet demanding schedules. We all have experienced panic as we’ve been tailgated by a truck. Many truckers have no qualms about terrorizing motorists as they press to meet their deadlines.

While your decision on a sentence ultimately changes nothing for us, I respectfully ask that the maximum sentence be imposed. I would find some comfort in believing that the action taken here just might save a life. My sister treasured and nurtured all living things. I appear here in her honor and memory and I ask in her behalf that the value of life be considered as you come to your decision.

Amelia

2006-04-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I sat down at my desk...and Amelia's screen name is up on my buddy list. I haven't seen it there in ages. I IM'd her...she didn't respond. Now, I'm wondering if just by IMing a "hello" and an "I love you", I've complicated all our legal issues. Will I now get a nastygram from Marty for going against his wishes...for interferring? How wrong is all this????

It's ironic. I was just thinking about her today, and really feeling a lot of pain about how Marty has put a barrier between us. It tears me apart to have NO idea when I'll get to talk to Amelia again...much less see her. She lost her mother suddenly and tragically, and she cannot turn to any of the women from her mother's family. We are the only women who could BEGIN to approach providing her with the familial love she has lost. I was wondering if she thinks we've just abandoned her. I'm wondering if Marty's tactics are working. I know he hopes that she will just have no interest in this side of the family at some point. He hopes our connection to her will just disintegrate with time. He wants to take her from us....for good.

Meg would want us to look after her girl...to be there to support her and comfort her. He precludes us from being able to do that for either Meg OR Amelia.

It's a terrible dead feeling....to just be held at bay. To have so much emotion for a person inside, so much love, that just has nowhere to go. Even more frightening, I feel that sadness evolving into hate. I have NEVER felt loathing toward another human being. But I feel it toward Marty. Then, the guilt kicks in. I know I shouldn't harbor these types of feelings toward someone. I know he deserves it...and he's brought this upon himself. But, I still don't like it....not one little bit.

I'm feeling heartbroken right now. I just want to hold that child. I remember in the summer, her lying on the hammock with me....I held her in my arms and she was crying about how hard her life was. The fact that I can't be there for her, kills me.

I'm sorry...I just needed to talk. I'm heartsick

Dreams

2006-01-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

I had a short but vivid dream last night.

I rarely remember dreams, and as far as I can recall....I've only dreamed about my dad once since he died 7 years ago.

But last night, I dreamed that I was in an unfamiliar house. It was a nice place, very comfortable. But I have no idea who's home it was supposed to be. And I KNEW that my dad was there. I remember walking into a room and anticipating that dad would be there, and a moment later he came around the corner. He looked just great. He saw me right away and smiled as he started across the room with his arms extended towards me. He wrapped me up in a great big "Don hug"!!!

And then...I woke up.

Is it a coincidence that he was here for me on Meg's birthday?

1/8/04

2005-11-18T06:34:00.000-08:00

Sisters

(Meg, Busy and Me)
at my daughter's Bat Mitzvah
My sisters are two cool chicks. If I could spend every day of my life with them, it would never be enough. Unfortunately, they are in the Midwest and I have to settle for once or twice a year. But when we're together - it's a ball!
My mother had 4 kids in 5 years. We have a brother, we speak occasionally but we're not close. I feel a little bad about that - but it's more by his choice. And he's let it go on so long that - I'm sure he thinks he'd never fit into our little clique. We'd love to embrace him - but he WOULD never fit in to the sister clique.

My mother gave us all classic names. Mine is Katherine, and my sisters are Margaret and Elizabeth. Margaret always disliked her name, she found it "dumpy" so now we call her Meg. When Elizabeth was born, Meg couldn't say her name - she said Busybeth. So for her entire life she's been Busy.

I am the oldest, with Meg three years behind, and Busy another 18 months after that. Since my brother is between Meg and me, we were often referred to as Katherine, Tom, and the little girls. When we were growing up, I always felt like I was ages older than them. They were very close, and I was an outsider. But now we're just about as close as three sisters can be.

Meg is so delightful - and her life has dealt her a lousy hand. I think she's through the worst of it - and we're seeing her re emerge as the dynamic person she is. She's just out of a 20 marriage to a VERY controlling man. So controlling that he would decide what she needed to pack to go to mom's for the weekend or when her purse needed to be cleaned out. She once told me she'd never risk so much as putting a bulb in the ground - it just wouldn't be in the right spot. But that's behind her and we've got her back.

Meg is THE consummate nature lover - but especially the creepy crawly things. As a little girl she'd go after a snake or a salamander or an insect with fascination. She spent some time as a state park naturalist and part of her gig was doing the snake talks. I know she was great because she could pick up a big old snake and let it wind around her arm without flinching. And because her interest was so deep - she knew all about them (and most other indigenous creatures). She's a great storyteller with a wicked sense of humor. I can picture her at a campfire with the crowd enthralled.

Now she's a high school biology teacher in a rough district. She loves her material, but the students have very little interest in applying any effort to learning. And a lot of the kids are troublesome. She has kids in class with house arrest bracelets, she's had kids who one day didn't show up because the shot someone, she's had boys expecting multiple babies (with different moms) in the near term. But even with this, she is dedicated to trying to whet their interest. She works hard on plans and activities that might grab them. And she has a lot of living things in the room. She says - if nothing else, they all love the animals. Meg once told me that it would be best if she could have enough animals in her class that every student could hold one. When they have an animal they calm down and pay more attention. She can see the child that still exists behind these tough exteriors.

Busy is just that! She's a nurse and a mom and a barrel of laughs and my sweetheart. Busy was the baby - and she had a rough go as far as us older kids were concerned. We teased her mercilessly - called her stupid and dumb baby. Even though the adults (my parents friends) all though she was SOOOO CUTE and gave her tons of attention, our taunts did their damage. She was not a high achiever in school or in college. Her adult life started out very rough. Then one day she announced - she was going to become a nurse.

No one had a lot of confidence in her in the beginning but she showed us all in the end. I admire her so much for her commitment and accomplishment. She became a nurse, and I can imagine none better. She smart and sweet and compassionate. She must also be very patient - but I think maybe she uses that up at the hospital because she usually CLAIMS she has not patience at home. And she has the ability to work like a wild woman. She has worked two jobs and incredibly long hours. I can't imagine working as much at such a demanding vocation. She impresses the hell out of me. We talk as often as we can, by phone or IM - but no matter how much, it's never enough. And we have an unspoken pact. We never end a conversation, or chat, or even a voice message without saying "I love you!"

I have two recent stories regarding the support and friendship we share. The first has to do with that ugly 4 letter word DIET. All three of us have struggled with weight at one time or another. When we were together last summer, I was the thin one. I think I have finally mastered the religion of weight management. Meg was having a terrible time and confided in me that she had found her FAVORITE donuts at a convenience store on the way to work. I said Meg, you are stronger than a donut. You have to drive by and flip off those donuts. F**k the gd donuts! Well, we all became hysterical - and for the remainder of the evening, we enthusiastically flipped off ANYTHING that might be the least bit tempting. Wed flip off rolls or salad dressings or cake - and then just break out laughing. But we were kind of doing it on the sly, behind my mother's back. She wouldn't find it funny. But being covert made it even funnier to us. Mom would walk out of the room and we'd flip something off with gusto chanting F**k the gd (fill in the blank)!' I'm thrilled to report that since we developed our plan, Meg has lost a boatload of weight. It's beautiful.

The other story has to do with our cabin. (See The Lake below) It's still there, it's in terrible disrepair. We go out at least one time when I visit in the summer, but two summers ago we decided we had to sleep out there just so we could get up early and have coffee on the deck as the sun came up over the lake. So we did. We trooped out there with our kids and our sleeping bags and settled in with the spiders and the wood boring bees and the ants. I don't know that anyone slept all that well. But we got up to a beautiful morning. The sun was over the lake, the water crystal clear. It was a sparkly day. We sipped coffee that morning and soaked up that early sun and reveled in the company of sisters.....and then we went for a swim!

Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 1 comments:
You have such wonderful sisters, and this is a beautiful tribute to them. I hope they can read this. I have one sister, and she, like your sisters, lives far away. I never feel alone as long as I know she is somewhere sharing this earth with me. Sisters rock!!!!!!Comment from karensull12 - 1/8/04 10:11 PM

This entry has 2 comments: (Added after Meg's death..8/3/05)

I see Phinney and I are on the same wavelength:) I also wanted to revisit some of your family entries. I hope all of your sisters saw these marvelous tributes.Comment from donah42 - 8/5/05 11:29 AM

I never read back this far in your journal. I am here today, looking to learn about your beloved sister. I hope this doesn't make you sad, but I wanted to seek out something to know who she was. Much love, PhinneyComment from geminiwilder - 8/4/05 12:41 AM

1/7/04

2005-11-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

A Look WAY Back

I'm fortunate, in that our family roots run deep. Generations of my ancestors preceeded me in my home town. We've had homes stay in the family for multiple generations. Therefore, we are blessed with a collection of family artifacts.
A distant cousin compiled a book of family history, story's, documents and photographs. This particular picture is a favorite of mine. The couple in the middle are my great, great grandparents, Thomas and Susan Kern Ray. They are surrounded by their TWELVE grown children. And count them... there are TEN boys! These twelve were born between the years of 1864 to 1885.
I like this photo because I can't look at it without putting myself in my great, great grandmothers shoes for a moment. C'mon, try it! Can you imagine raising twelve children in the late 1800's. I'm surprised that woman had the strength to sit erect. She's probably just shy of 60 years old in this picture. If I just imagine the LAUNDRY, I nearly break out in hives. It had to have been done on a washboard - I can't believe she was ever done. I imagine her expecting the 7th or 8th child with all those little ones. The work it must have been to take care of them, keep them clean and fed - it just exhausts me. She also educated them all. In her shadow, my life looks like a never ending party.
The book was put together by Susan's granddaughter. She quotes her mother as saying that Susan insisted to all her children that "You might not have any money, but MAKE SOMETHING of yourself". All twelve children became professional people, many of them educators.
There's one story that stikes me among the many. It qoutes my grandmother telling that one of her uncles had stopped in to see her father(Curtis). He felt he needed to hurry home because "Ma" (Susan) was alone. Alone? "Yes, there's only Dale, Ed, Fred, Sallie and Frank, and they aren't company!"
Think of it, home with five of her children was ALONE. This woman deserved a truckload of Calgon. I think how I was tickled when my THREE finally went back to school this week. I've got to count my blessings.
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 10 comments:
Thia picture is so great! My Mom has a similiar one of her fathers family in Ireland...13 children, and a few others (?)...Comment from alphawoman1 - 1/8/04 2:02 PM

Great picture and story. And no, I cannot imagine what life would be like with more than 3 let alone 12. Now THAT woman is a Saint!!!Comment from karensull12 - 1/8/04 12:02 PM

Oh, and my hubby comes from a family of 11--9 boys, 2 girls--and come to think of it, mom-in-law's kind of a crank too! I'm sensing a pattern!Comment from donah42 - 1/8/04 8:38 AM

My dad comes from a family of 16!!! 12 boys & 4 girls....no wonder my grandparents were so cranky! And she had all of them at home, except for the last one....I often wondered why she bothered at that point---probably just wanted to get away for a couple days!Comment from donah42 - 1/8/04 8:36 AM

i can't imagine having so many children .. i've only got 2 and i don't think i've had a day of rest since they were born .. ok, i'm exagerating lol i know i've had at least one day of rest .. i just can't remember it lolpamelaComment from his1desire - 1/8/04 8:01 AM

Great picture. Once I lived in a place with a huge attic. It was a four-plex and I guess a lot of people left lots of things behind. I found a lot of pictures like the one of your great-grandparents and family, and I just sat there and looked and wondered what their life might have been like.Comment from hrmore1956 - 1/8/04 4:39 AM

I love old photos and family histories! Coincidentally, my great-grandparents (on my mother's side) also had twelve children - four boys & eight girls......JonComment from jayveesonata - 1/8/04 3:10 AM

HOLY COW! I had the same feelings looking at the picture. I'm surprised the all survived back then. Your family must have been made of good stock. LOL My great grandmother had a bunch but lost a few to diseases. Anyhow...It must be wonderful to have all those old precious things. I would be going through it all the time.Comment from redhdka - 1/8/04 12:49 AM

Terrific entry. I just love old pictures like that too. What a woman she must have been! : )Comment from readmereadyou - 1/7/04 11:36 PM

Having roots and knowing your family really is a blessing. My grandmother was one of 14 children, and my father one of 50 first cousins. I just don't see how they handled it.Comment from sistercdr - 1/7/04 11:29 PM

1/7/04

2005-11-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

The Lake ( 1 of 3)

I'm up unusually late for me tonight. My husband is sick so I'm staying in the guest room/my office. The Mom CANNOT be sick - it's a law! So here I am - alone with my computer, and a story.
In summer, I thought I was just about the luckiest kid alive. We spent all our summer weekends at the lake. It's not a big lake, but it provided us kids with about as much fun as any kid could wish for.
When I was three years old, I remember my parents taking us on a LONG ride (20 minutes) into the country to look at KenRay Lake in Pinhook, Indiana. I remember wading across the spillway, walking on the dam, and skipping rocks at the waters edge. We bought a lot and my father started making plans. He and my granddad (Pat) would design and build the house. They made a little model of our future cabin out of tiny balsa wood strips. I was fascinated by it. For the next 2 years, Pat was out there nearly every day working, and dad was there most weekends. The summer I was five, we opened our cabin for the first time. That house would become the soul of a family.
It was an A-frame house that sat just up the hill from the waters edge. It's front was a wall of windows facing the lake, and there was a big porch extending out. Inside there was one really big room that was the living and dining areas, a small kitchen, two bedrooms, and an upper level loft. We spent so many nights up in that loft. There were mattresses on the floor and we'd jump and tumble on them until the adults were threatening us, or we just passed out from exhaustion.
We spent our ENTIRE days in the water. We couldn't wait for the first swim of the season. The winter's ice would hardly be gone before we'd be begging to swim. My parents would usually allow it -and it was COLD! We'd swim until we were blue - and get out satisfied.
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 1 comments:
NEAT photo! Ah, ye spoiled kids.Comment from andreakingme - 1/7/04 2:06 PM

1/7/04

2005-11-18T06:19:00.000-08:00

The Lake (2 of 3)
There were several families who were regular weekend guests. We were almost never there alone. We were as close to those kids as our own cousins. We devised our own games that we played for hours out in the water. We were rough - but we all became very strong swimmers. One favorite was "Canoe Capture". A team would start out in a canoe, and the opposition would swim out to it. The swimmers would attempt to conquer the canoe. Those is the boat would fend off the swimmers with paddles by splashing aggressively. It could get pretty brutal. Eventually the boat would always be swamped. Then we'd be into phase two of the game which was to maintain control of the swamped boat. We'd push and shove, swim up behind each other and dunk, then turn the boat over and hang out in the air pocket to rest. We'd put one or two kids into the boat lying down and then spin it around. This could go on for hours. The moms would usually bring a big plate of sandwiches down to the dock about noon, and we'd all get out long enough to eat - then be right back at it.
We also had a ball with a giant inner tube. Four or five kids could fit on it. We'd all sit on that tube with our legs in the middle grasp each others arms and do a backward leaning wave type motion. One by one we'd spontaneously flip off backwards to upset the balance, and eventually the tube would flip on the remaining kid. Sometimes we'd do the same thing but standing on the tube all laughing and screaming. It couldn't have been more fun.
Evenings were also incredibly special. We had no TV there, so we provided our own entertainment. There were lively card games or an excruciatingly difficult puzzle. We had STACKS of comic books. But the BEST was the music.
My dad was very musical and had a beautiful tenor voice. Many of his friends sang well also. So once dinner was over, we'd often have a dozen people, adults and kids, out on that front deck singing. Dad would play the baritone ukulele or a banjo and we'd SING our hearts out. You haven't seen anything until you've seen three little blonde girls belt out "Hard Hearted Hannah, the Vamp of Savannah"! My sisters and I will still do that one together - any chance we get. Dad's friend, Dr. Kerr had a very deep bass voice and was a great addition to our ragtag chorus. It wasn't really ragtag though - it was magic.

Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 1 comments:
Boy, this entry really brings back memories. Some of our best times were spent in the water, too. A bunch of us would join hands and then we'd run together and do canonballs in the water and try to drench sunbathers!Uh-hee-hee-hee.Comment from andreakingme - 1/7/04 2:12 PM

1/7/04

2005-11-18T06:17:00.000-08:00

The Lake (3 of 3)
There's a little song I can hear my dad sing in my mind clear as anything. I think of it often, and now that he's gone - when it pops into my mind it's almost like a message between us.
I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter.
And make believe it came from you.
I'm gonna write things oh so sweet, they're gonna knock me off my feet.
A lot of kisses at the bottom, I'll be glad I got 'em.
I'm gonna say I hope that you are feeling better.
And close with love the way you always do.
I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter.
And make believe it came from you!
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 3 comments:
Wow I loved this story...wondeful memories and a beautiful house. I can't believe your dad built it. I love the picture of all the girls up there. So special.Comment from redhdka - 1/8/04 12:53 AM

Boy, did I need THAT summer story right now! Feeling very sorry for myself with the hideous weather here in Oregon. I see now why you swim for a living.... And the picture is great! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 1/7/04 12:30 PM

This song is so beautiful. And your memories from your summers at the lake are wonderful. It's so great to be a kid and spend your whole summer in a bathing suit. Hope your husband gets better soon. I hear you on the "Mom can't get sick" thing. Who has time???????Comment from karensull12 - 1/7/04 9:45 AM

1/6/04

2005-11-18T06:16:00.000-08:00

Evolution
Thanks for the input on how to change a journal name. For future reference (if anyone's interested) it is just as easy as clicking edit. The ADDRESS remains the same.
I feel like this journal is coming into it's own and I'm quite happy about it. I didn't know what to call it when I started. But today, it came to me. My walks are such an important part of my life. When I walk I feel mentally, physically, and spiritually alive. And what better time to talk with a friend than on a long leisurely walk. I'm feeling great about all the wonderful people I'm meeting here and I'd love for each of you to walk with me.
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 3 comments:
Happy new journal name!Comment from chefgracegeorge - 1/7/04 1:17 PM

Sure, I'll walk with you, and possibly even skip, but if you start to run, you're on your own! I'll meet you back at the house for a cup of coffee!Comment from donah42 - 1/6/04 11:31 PM

I used to walk every day with a friend of mine and I got in the best shape of my life just through walking (fast). I'm going to get back into it soon. Love the new name!!!Comment from karensull12 - 1/6/04 6:14 PM

1/6/04

2005-11-18T06:15:00.000-08:00

Fit Kids (1)
I read three related news stories on AOL this morning that are sending me to my soapbox. They all had to do with fast food and childhood obesity. It all started here AOL News - U.S. Teens Fatter Than Peers in Industrialized Nations. That's something to be proud of huh?
As one who struggled with weight as a child, I can't help but feel pain for these children. I was not obese, and I was very active but I was always one of the heavier kids in the class. My mother was a "you MUST clean your plate" parent. For those of us who have been there, we know how detremental this is to one's self esteem, and how it can take a lifetime to get over. It's psychologically damaging enough, but now we are facing the problem to such an extreme that the physical damage cannot be ignored.
As a parent, it's such a difficult battle. The kids are drawn to the worst types of foods by the media. Fast food, soda, candy and high sugar cereal. It's a crime how these products are marketed to children. And while the child isn't the primary purchaser of these products, the companies are relying highly on the "nag factor" that we all suffer with and fall victim to.
It seems wherever I look, those who should take some responsibility are turning a blind eye. In my area, the school lunches are a joke nutritionally. Chicken fryze? French toast sticks? Nachos with squeeze cheese? These are the entre offerings. They should be ashamed. My kids pack. How about soda machines readily available in the school corridor? How about teachers who use candy as an incentive? How about sweet snacks at every scout meeting, every Sunday school class? You can't be on top of them all the time, monitoring what they put in their mouths - how can you fight this crap when it's everywhere!Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 5 comments:
I come from a family of big and tall people. I am almost 5'10". My girls are tall but they are not the teeny tiny girls you see on the street. They are what I would call normal. Try finding clothes for "normal" girls. The XXL t-shirts would fit a 3 year old. It's so heartbreaking for them. They are athletic and beautiful and the media tells them to they are too big. We need a happy medium somewhere.Comment from karensull12 - 1/6/04 9:05 PM

I was thinking the same thing today. Is McDonald's responsible for our obese children? Absolutely not! I think we as parents have to teach our children what and what not to eat. Maybe we shouldn't have sugar in our house, and stay away from refined foods. PACK their lunches and stay on top of things. Remember, sugar makes us fat! You brought up some real good points :))Comment from redbaron1216 - 1/6/04 7:33 PM

I already put an entry in but it didn't take. Today kids get rides everywhere. Let them use the feet they were born with and walk. And, with my kids I made them think vegetables were a treat and they didn't get any unless they were good. The love them still today. : )Comment from readmereadyou - 1/6/04 4:17 PM

Preach it, sista! I'm not a parent, but I know I'd do things differently than what my sister does. She has three boys -- and I can't count the times she's let them have a can of Mountain Dew just before bedtime. And that's just scraping the surface.Things have definitely changed since we were kids. Pop machines in the school? Never.Comment from andreakingme - 1/6/04 3:55 PM

The school lunch thing brings up a whole other point, because, for some of my elementary school years while my dad wasn't working, I received free lunches. What do those parents do when they can't pack?Comment from hyjeanne11 - 1/6/04 12:51 PM

1/6/04

2005-11-18T06:14:00.000-08:00

Fit Kids (2)
I have to take my lumps here too. My kids eating habits are not the best. But their visits to a fast food place is limited to about once a month. AOL News - Study: A third of kids eat fast food daily is a frightening statistic - considering they're peddling various composites of empty carbohydrates, fat and salt. And my children are also not nearly as active as I would like them to be - but we're working on that.
I don't understand why fitness facilities are not developing extensive programs for children. It seems that the market exists as well as the need. As kids get fatter, they drift from competitive sports toward the isolation of the tv, xbox, or computer. I contend that fitness programs focused directly at kids could be a winner. If you could drop your kid at an aerobics, or kickboxing, or aqautic exercise class while you got in a workout - wouldn't you go for it. I sure would.
We started a walking club at our school and tallied kids miles. They got a little foot token for every five miles they walked. The walker with the most miles at the end got a little trophy. This was attainable to ANY kid in the school willing to put in the effort. We charted the overall miliage for the school and they walked from Pennsylvania to California. We had a California day celebration and the kids wore surf shirts and we played Beach Boys music at lunch. It was a ball and the kids LOVED it.
So I'm feeling it almost as a mission to see kid fitness become more accessable. It needs to be fun and challenging but non threatening. I'm starting with my kids aquatic program this spring - but I'd like to see it spread through the facility where I work. I know some Y's have these types of programs. If the money grubbing owner of our gym could be convinced of the profit potential - it could be game on.
Anybody out there have sedintary kids, kids not into sports. What would you like to see? Is there a fitness niche we could develop that would draw your kid in? Help me with my vision.Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 3 comments:
readmereadyou - I wish I could make them walk. We live in a development that's not in walking distance to anything! Bad choice in that regard.KatComment from sunflowerkat321 - 1/6/04 4:35 PM

My daughter, Redhdka-Brand New Day, will tell you a trick I had that still has her loving vegetables today. I'd leave the vegetables until last and the table and when the kids began to squabble at the dinner table, I'd say, "If you don't stop that, you can't have any vegetables tonight!" Worked great. Makes veggies a treat. One way to stop kids from being so sedentary is to not drive them everywhere they want to go. Let them use the feet God gave them. : )Comment from readmereadyou - 1/6/04 4:15 PM

Being a mostly sedentary adult myself who really needs to run on the Ellipses machine and do her Firm video tapes more often, my advice is to buy a whip, Kat. Snap that sucker any time you think one of your kids is lolling about too much. They'll hup to.Seriously, though, I know most kid's eating habits are formed while they're young. Feed 'em lots of veggies and fruits. And don't forget the vitamins. Vitamins make you hungry for GOOD foods.Them's my two.Comment from andreakingme - 1/6/04 4:01 PM

1/5/04

2005-11-18T06:11:00.000-08:00

Growing Pains
My oldest daughter is just days away from being eligible for her drivers license. This is my first time around with a new driver - and I guess I'm a little twitchy. I think I had an over reaction today...at least I've been accused of such. Tell me what you think.
She asked if she could take the car out on our street to practice parallel parking. Our street does not go through and it's a small neighborhood - almost no traffic - so I said OK. She set up a couple of trash cans and was practicing parking between them. This went on for awhile - and I was down in my office reading blogs.
When I went upstairs, the car was not in the garage, or the driveway or out on the street. It was nowhere - nor was she. I stepped out on the porch - NOTHING. I came in STEAMING and dialed her cell phone - no answer. I guess I was glad of that because I've been telling her - no cell phone while you're driving.
Almost immediately she called me back. "WHERE ARE YOU?" I demanded. "In the garage, I just pulled in." "WHERE WERE YOU?" "I drove to the end of the street to turn around."
So here's where it gets fuzzy. I admit - I freaked out. I know it was harmless but she's not licensed YET and she was out driving alone in the car. She came in, we got in a major shouting match which (of course) my husband walked into the middle of. He didn't take sides at the time, but later did not hesitate to tell me that I was over reacting.
So what do you think? I think I have an obligation to impress on her that she has to be totally responsible for her actions as a driver, and driving anywhere alone unlicensed is NOT responsible. Yes it was harmless - but to me it's the point! So tell me, should I simmer down, or stick to my guns! Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 5 comments:
I'm a guy. I'm staying out of this one. It could be a trick question. But, Mom, when you called her on the phone, were you setting her up? What if she HAD answered? Oooh, this could be an interesting journal. I'll have to hit that favorite button heart thingie.HansComment from hrmore1956 - 1/6/04 12:29 AM

I don't think you overreacted at all. You were right. Stick to your guns. She will thank you for it one day.Comment from readmereadyou - 1/5/04 11:31 PM

My oldest is just 12. I say, start with a firm hand, then lighten up later if it's deserved. It's too hard to get tough when you've not been firm in the first place. It's a privilege, not a right. I can hardly manage to take my 10 y/o shopping for clothes without losing my mind, I can't imagine the driving lessons. I'll need sedatives, I'm sure.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 10:44 PM

In other words...YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!Comment from redhdka - 1/5/04 9:40 PM

I would have freaked out. My husband would have told me I overreacted as well. I think you already made your point and she's learned not to mess with you. Hopefully! ahhh I got one more year till this hell happens to me.Comment from redhdka - 1/5/04 9:40 PM

1/4/04

2005-11-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

Makin' copies part1

I was deluded into thinking that when everyone went back to work/school that I'd get my arms around things here at the house. I feel like someone fired the gun at the starting line and I'm off to the races. It's good busy though - I feel like I've got a couple of things out of my way, at least for awhile.
It started with OVERSLEEPING! I HATE when that happens. I knew we were expecting crummy weather today so my plan was to get up and to the gym EARLY - so I'd be back before the kids left for school. But the alarm went off at 5 and I didn't haul my butt out of bed. Bad, bad, bad. Next thing I know it's 6:45 and I'm rethinking my whole days schedule.
I've gotten myselft in a bit over my head volunteering at my sons school - and today there was work there to be done. Not only am I their yearbook coordinator, I'm also the PTO newsletter editor. This newsletter thing has turned out to be a bit of a thorn in the side. Our elementary school is BIG, the PTO has a lot of programs going on and the monthly letter runs 8 - 12 pages each issue. It's my "job" to collect all the information, type it up, lay it out with graphics, have it proofread and then make and distribute close to 700 copies! It's like pulling teeth to get thie information together, I'm always running right up to the end of the month getting it ready to go. This year, I got smart and got some volunteers set to do the copying - but my person for today bailed. So guess who's doing a stint at the copy machine today.
So it went something like this...the kids left and I threw on my workout stuff and ran to school. I picked up the rough of the newsletter (principal had to ok) and headed to the gym. An hour on the treadmill and I'm feeling better. I took a quick shower, dashed home and sat down to do the final draft revisions and grab some food. Then back to school I went. I was totally on schedule - it was 11:30.Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 4 comments:
An hour on the treadmill can fix most anything. For everything else, just scream the word, "NO!" Works like a charm.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 10:55 PM

I really admire the school moms. I just hand in my 9 dollar pta fee and I move on. I can't, I won't, It's too much trouble and I'm not the right man for the job. My kids suffered great pains because of this. I used the excuse that I was such a young mom and had nothing in common with the other moms. Yea they bought it. LOL But from all the lazy Mommies around the world I would like to say. "THANK YOU FOR HELPING MY KIDS, AND ALL KIDS, ENJOY THEIRS YEARS IN SCHOOL"Comment from redhdka - 1/5/04 9:45 PM

http://journals.aol.com/linus131999/VanessasMentalplace/ nice page come check out mineComment from linus131999 - 1/5/04 5:02 PM

I over extended myself one year at my kids school and that taught me a valuable lesson--not to ever do it again. I was room mom for all three kids and chaired a fundraising comittee--it was grueling. Glad to see you've things under control.Comment from karensull12 - 1/5/04 3:04 PM

1/4/04

2005-11-18T06:08:00.000-08:00

Makin' copies part2

But Murphy was lurking and the copy machine went down! Now what!?! The secretary directed me back to a second restricted use copier. It's hidden back in a storage room. That's all ok - I'd dumped some music on my RIO and so I'd be fine back there. But, they're in the middle of a major renovation of the school and they recently took the carpet up in this room with some major commercial solvent. Between that and the regular copy toner fumes - I was feeling no pain. I had great tunes, I was singing and dancing around my little closet just having a ball - makin' copies.
Remember, this is the first day back to school after the break. EVERY teacher in that place stopped by the closet to make some last minute copies of work for their classes. Quite a few of them got a kick out of me. I've had some kid in that school for 11 years - they all know me. Oh well, I think anything I can do to break the stereotype of PTO MOM is a good thing, right?
I'm home now - my head has cleared and I'm looking around at all the stuff here just waiting for my attention. There's the laundry, the Hannukah decorations are still out, you can't see the top of my desk and I have a list of calls to make. Maybe that storage room was not such a bad little space after all.Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 1 comments:
I'll take carpet solvent in close quarters any day. I've been the treasurer of our elementary school pta for 5 years now. I broke any remaining stereotypes at registration this year when I came in with 4 kids in tow singing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." I had dance moves and hand jive. The office personnel were cracking up. Other parents were pretending not to know me. I figure when I'm done, I'll have 15 years in.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 10:53 PM

1/4/04

2005-11-18T06:05:00.000-08:00

Claim to Fame

I grew up in a very small midwestern town - Bedford, Indiana. But this little bump in the road claimed noteriety as "The Limestone Capital of the World". Woo Hoo!
Actually, this is significant to me because I was from a limestone family. My great grandfather came to Bedford from Chicago trained as an architect. He started a limestone company complete with a quarry and a mill. It wasn't the only limestone gig in town, but it was successful enough and I grew up with the "distinction" of being the descendent of one of the local limestone barons.
Bedford stone was once in very high demand. A good deal of Washington DC and NYC are built from our local stone. However, during the enery crisis of the 70's stone became so expensive to transport that many companies went under - ours included. But I still treasure this little bit of heritage. I grew up in a big limestone house, I appreciate the intricacies of beautiful limestone carvings. In fact, I may one day become the "proud" owner of the handcarved limestone busts of great grandma and grandpa (YIKES). I can show you the millions of eenie, weenie, tiny fossilized sea creatures that compose Oolitic limestone.
Now I live in eastern PA. Kennett Square (a town near here) touts itself as the "Mushroom Capital of the World". Pennsylvania is the largest mushroom producing state and Kennett Square is at the heart of it all. Somehow, I can't help translating this to the "Fungus Capital of the World" but...oh well, sorry Kennett Square.
I've done a little nosing around (I really don't have this much spare time but - what the hell) and found some other interesing "World Captials" What do you think about...
Cedar Spring, MI - Red Flannel Capital of the World
Beaver, OK - Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World
Fort Payne, AL - Sock Capital of the World
Mount Horeb, Wi - Troll Capital of the World
Winnipeg Canada - Ectoplasm Capital of the World.
So, does YOUR town have a claim to fame? Have you been through a "not to be missed" capital of the world. If so, please share these hidden treasures.
BTW - we once drove through Gilroy, CA - Garlic Capital of the World. Our car reeked of the stinking rose for at least a week.
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 5 comments:
I am new to your board and am catching up - I have been thru Fort Payne and you've never seen so many sock stores!!! They also have some association to the band Alabama - socks on 3 corners, Alabama fan things on the other....Yes, Gilroy is rather stinky. Comment from kateraxe - 2/25/04 5:50 PM

How can someplace claim to be the SOCK capital of the world? Very Funny. Reminds me of the movie "Michael" where they visit the world's largest frying pan. We visited San Diego last February and learned it is the Avocado Capital of the World. You can't order a turkey sandwich without avocado and sprouts on it there.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 11:01 PM

Haha... I'm from Scott, La. "Were the West Begins." Gotta love a country thing like that!Comment from lahdeedah754 - 1/5/04 5:51 PM

As a galic lover, I'm deeply offended. LOL! ; )Comment from readmereadyou - 1/4/04 8:58 PM

Cool! My Dad's family is from Bedford. We were just down there last year for my Grandma's burial. Lots of limestone tombstones!Comment from chefgracegeorge - 1/4/04 8:03 PM

1/2/04

2005-11-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

Another "reality"

hilareeday gave us a great rant about that brat Paris Hilton in The Simple Life. It brought to mind another "reality" series set on the polar opposite premise.
Did anyone watch Frontier House? I have little time for TV so I didn't see it much, but what I did see I found fascinating. In this program, they took three contemporary families and sent them by covered wagon into the wilds of Montana. They were prepped with basic survival skills and sent on their way.
Now, who can imagine spending 6 months with NONE of the conveniences we take for granted. How about your kids? No cell phone, no PC, no MTV, no Xbox. OMG, how would they ever survive? Funny what's "necessary" for survival, huh? As hard as it would be, sometimes I wish I could give my kids this type of experience. Six months might be a little extreme, and I certainly wouldn't want tv cameras documenting it all but to take your family out of the modern world for awhile would be incredible. Adversity breeds strength, right? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I look at my kids and the privilege that we've afforded them and I think, we really haven't done them any favors. But how to you isolate them from contemporary life?
My kids already consider me a hard ass mom because I don't allow the TV to be turned on during the week and I expect them to do some family chores. Anything above and beyond that, they feel entitled to argue the "unfairness" of it all. So it would delight me to take their little butts and plop them where they had to fend for everything they need for a little while. I can hear it now....whatever doesn't kill ME will make me stronger! :-)
If you're interested in the project, check it out here. PBS - Frontier House: The Project
I hope they rerun the series. I can fantasize...or maybe it will help me appreciate all I'VE got!Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 3 comments:
I read about the series, but did not see it. I agree with everything you wrote here. Kids, by nature, are selfish and I find myself getting angry with my children for not appreciating how much work is involved in them having the things they have. Every once in a while I find myself lecturing them on the sacrifices that have been made for them. I doubt they will ever truly appreciate things until they are adults (just like me).Comment from karensull12 - 1/3/04 8:21 PM

I'm not a TV watcher either, but I did see one or two episodes of 'Frontier House'. Amazing show. The one woman freaked up because she couldn't take her makeup with her. Can you imagine? When I heard that I was thinking "Honey, once you get out there, that will be the LEAST of your worries."I don't have any children but I can certainly appreciate your frustration with them for not appreciating how lucky they are. That's why I'm not a Mom. I'd probably go right off the deep end.Comment from somenuttychic - 1/3/04 11:42 AM

I missed that one, but saw the one where they were in the house in London during WWII during the blitz. I thought that was interesting, how the women were put to work, and everything was rationed. They even drew a line in their tub so they'd know how much water they were allowed to use! It makes you think of all the luxuries we take for granted!Comment from donah42 - 1/3/04 11:06 AM

1/1/04

2005-11-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

Mummer's Strut

I thought I'd introduce you to a little unique PA culture. Ever heard of a Mummer? Nope - neither had I until we moved here, about an hour from Philadelphia.
Philadelphia has a traditional New Years Parade called The Mummer's Parade. This year is was the "103rd annual" and it's an extravaganza of which the locals are VERY PROUD. To the rest of the world - we just shake our head in disbelief. There are a plethora of Mummer's clubs in Philly, and each plans it's own theme based perfomance for the parade. Some clubs are string band clubs, who march and perform on banjos, accordians, saxaphones and glokcenspeils (spelling doesn't count). There are also comic brigades that are primarily a bunch of satiric clowns, or a group guys in ridiculous drag, and THE FANCIES. The fancies march and dance in the most elaborate costumes of all. Some of these costumes cost upwards of $20,000 each!
This parade is kind of a combination of Mardi Gras and Carnivale. It is grand in color and the costumes are eccentric in design. Fancy costumes may be twice as tall as the man wearing it and all feathers and sequens. Sometimes the costume is more like a float that is worn. Often the club has a huge rolling backdrop for their performance. This is so popular in Philly that about 15,000 (that's right - thousand) participants march. I have to correct myself here, they don't march, the proper term is STRUT! Though the parade route is only about 2 miles long, this string of strutters lasts up to NINE HOURS!
I will say - I have never personally witnessed the Mummer's parade. Somehow, standing on a street curb on January 1st for nine hours leaves something to be desired. It is broadcast on TV - but I can't imagine sitting and watching it in its entirity. To me, after you've seen a couple of the groups, they start to look the same. Occastionally at an event in Philly there will be one of these Mummer clubs present and it leaves me shaking my head - speechless. To this midwestern girl, it's sort of like stepping into OZ. Just imagine - a heavily mustached and bearded guy (big guy) dressed like Bo Peep complete with parasol! By the way, parasols are a standard part of many "uniforms".
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

In Eugene (Oregon), they have the slug parade, complete with a "slug queen..." Don't ask. Eugene is a country unto itself. Us midwesterners just have to get over ourselves, I guess... Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 1/4/04 12:09 AM

Um . . . why would a big guy with a moustache and beard want to dress like Bo Peep. On second thought, forget I asked. :-) Sounds like quite the spectacle.Comment from somenuttychic - 1/3/04 11:44 AM

I just visited www.mummers.com to learn more. Fascinating. And weird.Comment from chefgracegeorge - 1/2/04 5:40 PM

1/1/04

2005-11-17T06:03:00.000-08:00

Gotta stand back

We're undertaking our first project of the year. It's (past) time to redo my son's room. He's nine now and it hasn't been redone since he was a baby. This was at my husbands initiative - so I'm really hanging back a bit. They've got the room emptied out, and I have been asked to remove the border. Boo Hoo - it's SO cute. I remember picking it out - how much I LOVED it. It has the sweetest baby animals on it...baby polar bears, tigers, wolves, elephants, and pandas. I knew this day would come - I have to accept there are no babies in this house anymore.
My husband is at the home store with Joel now - looking at borders and paint. I had to sit on my hands to stay out of it. The flat out truth is that my husband has NO decorating sense. But I have a feeling that if I try to pilot the project, all of a sudden I'll be the one holding the paintbrush, and I really don't want to go there.
This is a direct path to decorating wars. I've watched a little too much HGTV. If I get started with a project, I'm ready to faux paint, build furniture, go wild. Is anyone else afflicted with this disorder? They make it all look so easy - so you do a little faux painting, sew up a couple of swags, the next thing you know you're out in the yard with a pallet of flagstone and 4 tons of screenings installing a patio (ask me how I know).
My husband wants to paint a solid color and call it a good job. So I've just decided to let him feel like he's controlling this for the time being. Maybe after that solid color (translation: base coat) is done, I'll step in and add a little flair. Heck - he'll be back to work on Monday, the kids will be back to school, I can just take over then!
LOOK OUT!Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 8 comments:
Once my "outdoor room" with flowing white curtains and a few pieces of carefully placed furniture filled with dry, crackling leaves, I abandoned Christopher Lowell. He really didn't look all that great as Little Bo Peep with a beard peeking through his stage makeup. I also learned that a little stenciling goes a very long way.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 11:09 PM

I don't have kids, so I really shouldn't say, BUT...I think it's cool for your husband and your son to be "bonding" this way. If you CAN, let them deal with it. It's only a room...and probably one you won't be wanting to go into anyway once he hits puberty!! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 1/4/04 12:02 AM

OMG! my husband refused to even buy the paint for our room without me...he said: "What's the point? You'll redo it anyways."Comment from ckays1967 - 1/3/04 7:59 PM

Ah, so THAT is the border you were removing. Mmmm hmmm. It's all becoming clear to me now. :-) Well, good job that you're going to let your husband take charge of the (initial) part of the project. He gets to make a contribtution, it will avoid conflict and like you said, you can always go back and add to it later.Comment from somenuttychic - 1/3/04 11:50 AM

i've learned my own lesson .. i refuse to watch any more of the home improvement shows .. i ended up convinced that i too could redesign my daughters bedroom into something enjoyable to a pre-teen .. about a million buck and hours later it was finished .. weeks later the color was no longer her "favorite color" .. i make her suffer in silence if she wants to continue living lolpamelaComment from his1desire - 1/3/04 9:27 AM

Yes, I have the HGTV disorder, too. I can't leave a single surface in my house untouched!Comment from chefgracegeorge - 1/2/04 5:37 PM

I wish I had your enthusiasm, I grabbed a pillow, laid on the couch and said"I'm sleepin this year."Comment from mrscheesestix - 1/2/04 1:56 PM

I can empathize with you. I recently painted three rooms in my parent's house (surprisingly, they turned out pretty good!) JonComment from jayveesonata - 1/1/04 10:35 PM

1/1/04

2005-11-17T06:01:00.000-08:00

Steppin' Out

I feel great today. I like the thought of a fresh new year - a clean slate! I don't know that I'll do anything significantly different this year, I'm not much of one to make resolutions. But I'm very much looking forward to what's ahead. I can't help but look at a new year with anticipation, hope and optimism!
With that - I'm heading out for my first walk of 04. It is beautiful here this morning and I'm feeling on top of the world. I think I could get going out there and just walk forever. So it's time to grab the dog, crank up some music and step out into the first day of the rest of my life.
Yeeee HaaaaaaWritten by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 3 comments:
I think along these lines every day. Each day is full of new possiblities and I wonder where it will lead me. Early in the day, I feel like I haven't had a chance to screw things up too badly, so I'm always off to a fresh start.Comment from rbushu - 1/5/04 11:11 PM

Welcome to 2004! Your previous poster is right -- you DO have a very contagious sunny outlook for this year. I haven't read all your entries either, but I think at some point this weekend, I will have to go back to entry 1 and read from there. Welcome to the AOL journal community, by the way. We're glad you're here!Comment from somenuttychic - 1/3/04 11:53 AM

Wow, You make me want to go out and Walk ALSO. You have a very contagious outlook for 04, thanks. I really enjoy your journal. I have not read all your entries but I will, and I will look forward to your inspiring entries for the new year. http://journals.aol.com/mw15mw99/ThisandThat/KateComment from mw15mw99 - 1/1/04 2:12 PM

12/31/03

2005-11-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

Where did the last year go? The last 5? The last 10? Wasn't I in college just a couple of years ago? I wish!
I don't know if I'm any wiser - sometimes I can actually feel the brain cells fizzle. But I've had some great experiences along the way that I wouldn't trade for a million bucks. So I look to the new year with anticipation about what's ahead. I've hit the middle of my life by numbers, but who's counting. I'm not getting old - not going there - NO WAY! I don't care how quickly the years insist on flying by.
Happy New Year to everyone. I hope 04 brings you happy times and great surprises. I can't wait to see what happens next!Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 1 comments:
Happy New Years! Save those hats! That's the kind of stuff to show your kids later. Hurry before your husband throws them away!Comment from mrscheesestix - 12/31/03 9:56 PM

12/29/03

2005-11-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

It's just stuff!

While I've been reading and writing, my husband has decided that we have too much stuff in our lives and he wants some of it OUT! OK, fine, whatever. But it makes me defensive to have him ratting around in all the closets deciding what should stay and what should go. This man is black and white. Useful - stay, otherwise - go. No room for sentimentality what so ever.
If you're imagining closets bulging with stuff that hasn't been looked at in 20 years - it's not that bad. As a matter of fact, I go through the closets on about a yearly basis and purge mismatched gloves, outgrown boots, etc. But I NEVER touch his stuff, and I just went upstairs to find a bunch of MY stuff in the give away pile. What's up with that?
So am I nuts to want to keep my sons first little fleece snowsuit with the bears on it? I don't want to give away my antique jacket that I wore in college, or the jacket that was dad's. I swear, I'm not a packrat - but there are just some things that are not replaceable, even if it is a nondescript beige jacket.
I don't want to be a slave to stuff. Have you ever thought about how much stuff there is in the world? WHY so much? Why 50 kinds of shampoo? Why 100 different pens? And so much useless, meaningless chatchke. Why does all this stuff even exist?
My mother lives in the house that HER grandfather had built in 1901. It has never been emptied. Talk about STUFF! There's 103 YEARS worth of family stuff in there. I swear when my mom is gone, I'll probably have to move back to Indiana for a year to sort through it. It will be like falling into a black hole. We've tried to help her with it - but she's sure she'd get something for every bit of that stuff if she'd just have a yard sale. HA - like she ever will.
Whew - got to take a deep breath. It is just stuff after all. When something breaks - I'm able to write it off as a thing, no matter how meaningful it was. But when it comes to choosing what stuff must go - it's hard to take my heart out of the equation.Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 8 comments:
I too love stuff! I have my boxes of stuff that are not for touching by anyone but me. I always wished i had STUFF that my mom had saved for me to look at. Old newspapers, school papers, clothing, etc... So I am doing this for my son and daughter. One mans garbage is another mans goldmine.Comment from mrscheesestix - 12/31/03 1:53 PM

Growing up, my parents never saved a thing. Needless to say, I save everything. I want my kids to be able to come to me and take things from their childhoods into their future lives. I can't decide what to keep and what to throw away, so I save everything (neatly).Comment from karensull12 - 12/30/03 8:27 PM

Yuck. This reminds me of my closet. Sometimes when it gets too overwhelming, I just go back to bed! LOLComment from hillareeday - 12/30/03 4:03 PM

Kat, you'd better never audition for that show on TLC. I forget what it's called, but they re-design two rooms in your home and REALLY consolidate down. They're like organization gurus. And they make you get rid of A LOT of your stuff. It gets vicious sometimes. Tempers flare. Fights ensue. Tears threaten.Heh, heh, heh.Comment from andreakingme - 12/30/03 3:46 PM

haha my now ex husband pulled the "its either me or the stuff" routine on me .. he's gone now and i still have my STUFF lolthen my daughter tried to get me to throw away my stuff .. i told her she can go live with her dad and i'd have more room for MORE stuff .. so she let it drop heheain't nobody coming between me and my stuffnosiree:)pamelaComment from his1desire - 12/30/03 10:37 AM

My name is Grody, and I AM A PACKRAT. Its true and I suck at throwing things out. Even things that do not fit and never will . Yeah Yeah Yeah, I'll get to it. And, I'll grow hair again someday too. GordyComment from grodygeek - 12/30/03 9:52 AM

Hello fellow pack-rat! My hubby is as bad as me--no, worse. I never touch his stuff, but when I try to de-clutter my stuff, he goes thru the trash & rescues things. Once I tried to throw away the same watermelon-shaped sponge about three times, and it just kept re-materializing elsewhere in the house! I think I finally gave up & it's still here somewhere! Happy New Year!Comment from donah42 - 12/30/03 9:33 AM

Tell hubby to keep his hands off your stuff. There are some things that even marriage doesn't entitle you to do. Yes, it's just stuff, but there IS a such thing as sentimental value. Tell him to get over it. Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/30/03 1:46 AM

12/29/04

2005-11-17T05:49:00.000-08:00

A Purpose - Part2

But this fall, I was in the health club - we had just rejoined. I have been very dedicated to health and fitness over the last couple of years - and I'm thinner and more fit than I've ever been in my adult life. The pool director snagged me and asked me to come back to teaching. She didn't have to ask twice.
I've been back teaching about 2 months now and I LOVE it. It's perfect for me. I LOVE the water, I LOVE to move to music, and I LOVE the response I get from the participants. Now, for everyone who's picturing a bunch of old ladies jogging in place with their hands over their heads - STOP IT RIGHT NOW! This can be an agressive exercise program that is very challenging - especially if we move it to the deep end of the pool.
Many of our participants are elderly or fighting weight problems. But they are a joy to work with. They know that they have to take responsibility for their health, and they love when I push them. They always thank me when they've had a super workout - so it's my goal to always give them one. I'm just thinking about it so happily today - there were a lot of people there WANTING to pay their dues for their holiday splurge. It makes me feel great to see them respond to me - working so hard AND enjoying themselves. It's a great job!
My challenge is creating a program that appeals to kids (young teens). We get calls from parents who want their kids in an aquatic program for the exercise - but they aren't competitive swimmers. This is a very exciting niche. With all we read about childhood obesity, it's my chance to perhaps make a difference in someone's life. If I can start a child toward a lifelong habit of fitness and health, I'd feel like I'd really accomplished something. I'm working on the program now. We need cool music, some strength and resistance work, some deep water walking/jogging (cardio), some swimming drills, and some games, just for fun. I'm hoping to launch the program in the next couple of months. Wish me luck!Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 4 comments:
Good luck Marigolds - I hope you can find a program that will meet your needsKatComment from sunflowerkat321 - 12/31/03 11:09 AM

don't i wish i lived in your neighborhood! there are very few places to get any water exercise here, and mainly only in the summer. i have serious arthritis and water exercise is the only kind i can really tolerate. i'm going to join a program at a nearby school if i can find one that will work into my schedule, once i KNOW my schedule!Comment from marigolds2 - 12/30/03 6:30 PM

Sounds fun! I love the water and you are right water aerobics/exercise isn't as easy as it looks. I wish I could be in your class!Comment from hillareeday - 12/30/03 4:07 PM

You go girl! I've been doing water ex since 1991. I don't belong to a class right now..I've made up my own workout and go during lap swim. I get a better workout this way. The kids class sounds like a great idea. My niece and nephew could sure use something like it! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/30/03 1:42 AM

12/29/03

2005-11-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

A purpose- Part 1

I was presented with an opportunity that was truely a gift late in the year. I have gotten to return to doing something I really love. Over 10 years ago, I used to teach aquatic fitness. It was in its infancy then, but the facility where I worked had a great program with a lot of variety. I started teaching after I had my first baby, and taught through my second pregnancy. Can you imagine - me in a swimsuit teaching aquatics - nine months pregnant? Not a pretty picture. I taught the day I delivered my second daughter and was back in 6 weeks swimming circles around everyone.
But the kids started to create a problem for me continuing to teach. If someone was sick, or school was delayed because of weather, I could never get a sub. It became a major stress and I finally gave it up.Written by sunflowerkat321 .

12/28/03

2005-11-17T05:38:00.000-08:00

We've talked a lot about true love. Today it was crystal clear to me that it can be summed up in one word.

DOG!
I have a great dog - Berkeley. He's a 4 year old golden retriever. Poor Berkeley had to go to "camp" while we were skiing.
I went to pick him up as soon as we got home today. He nearly lost his mind when he saw me. They let him out of his kennel and I was nearly knocked to the floor. I couldn't get his collar on, he got tangled up in my purse and just kept jumping up and licking my face.
"YOU CAME BACK! YOU CAME BACK!"
I remember the first time I had to put my first dog in the kennel. I felt terrible - so guilty. My father's response to my angst was "Katherine, that dog's not wearing a watch!" I'm not so sure that he was right.
Berkeley dragged me to the car and breathed heavily on me all the way home. Unconditional love. I can ignore him all day - he loves me. I can blow off his walk, or tell him to get lost because he's bugging me - he loves me. I can leave him in a cage surrounded by 100 other barking dogs - he STILL loves me. He has barely left my side since we got home. He even crawls under the piano when I sit down to play (and we have an upright).
Gotta LOVE a dog!Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 5 comments:
DOG is GOD spelled backwards. I don't think that was an accident. I am a HUGE dog lover too. They might not be able to talk, but they sure can communicate with us.Comment from hillareeday - 12/30/03 4:11 PM

aww! [pets Berkeley]Comment from chefgracegeorge - 12/29/03 12:24 PM

Girl, you are so right. My ex got our dog, because it makes sense. When I get to see him, he just goes bugshit. He just moans and squeals with excitement. I love the bugger and miss him a bunch, but this is better for him. Sigh. Gordyhttp://journals.aol.com/grodygeek/GrodyLogaLot/Comment from grodygeek - 12/29/03 12:12 PM

You're absolutely right. NO ONE but a dog will love you unconditionally. Cats come close, but dogs are clearly the tongue-lolling winners.I wish there were so FEW animals on the earth that more people would cherish their pets. You know?Comment from andreakingme - 12/29/03 11:55 AM

Aww a golden! My ab. favorite! I cannot wait until B and I get our house...that is the first purchase I will make! Dogs are heavenly. I mean, yea my kitties are fantastic...but they are so much different than dogs! I simply cannot wait until the day I get my v. own puppy! Ben wants a Great Dane...I think I smell a compromise building as we speak! Maybe we'll get two! Yay! Great entry Sun! ~ShellsComment from dazeychic - 12/29/03 11:04 AM

12/28/03

2005-11-17T05:37:00.000-08:00

Lots of catching up to do

We just got in from our trip and I've started to make my first run though some of the journals. I missed reading them SO much - I couldn't wait to get back and catch up. I"ve been writing for such a short time and I already think of so many of you so fondly. I'm looking forward to this new year with new friends to share with.
I'll write more later - but FIRST, I've got lots of reading to do!
Written by sunflowerkat321 .

12/22/03

2005-11-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

I'm Off - be back soon!

I can't believe that we're leaving for our trip in a little more than 2 hours - and NO ONE has packed a thing yet. As a matter of fact, I'm the only one who's even UP! It's certainly going to be one mad dash to get out of here - but we're not on a strict timetable (no plane to catch) so it should be ok. It's an 8 hour ride to Vermont - but my kids are great travellers. Ever since they were little we've been making our annual journey to Indiana by car. It's 14 hours straight through and they know the drill. Everyone cocoons themselves with their own music and a book and we just drive along like five little pods in a mini van. I think I could plop those kids in a car and drive them to Alaska.
Anyway - tomorrow we'll be swooshing, but I'll be missing you all. I feel like I have a whole bunch of wonderful new friends. Thanks to all of you for being so nice and making me feel welcome here. I found out that they have internet access in the teen center. Now - if I could only pass for 16. HA !
Everyone have a wonderful holiday, enjoy your families and loved ones and have a cookie for me. I'll be back catching up with you all on Sunday.
Merry Christmas!!!!Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 8 comments:
Merry Christmas to you!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you have a great one! :-)GreggComment from itsjustusinnc - 12/25/03 2:47 PM

Wishing you and yours the very best for the holidays. Gordyhttp://journals.aol.com/grodygeek/GrodyLogaLot/Comment from grodygeek - 12/24/03 10:17 AM

Merry Christmas !! i'll be waiting for your return :) just know you were missed and i hope your entire family has a wonderful time !!hugspamelaComment from his1desire - 12/24/03 10:10 AM

Merry Christmas, kat. See you on Monday! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/23/03 2:59 PM

Wow, talk about flying by the seat of your pants! That was probably you guys a few hours earlier. I bet you were all dashing merrily 'round the house, awash in the joy of the Season. Heh, heh, heh.Merry Christmas!Comment from andreakingme - 12/23/03 12:13 PM

HA HAH! i think i just got both of them! i'm going to send you an email with my whole list of guesses. this was great fun, and i too will take it to my family christmas gathering on thursday, see if my smart nieces and nephew can get these! i KNOW my brother won't be able to!Comment from marigolds2 - 12/23/03 10:30 AM

how DARE you go away and leave me with these christmas carol stumpers? i have gotten all but two, #'s 1 and 15. and they're going to drive me crazy til i get em. anybody else working on this? kat, have a great holiday on the slopes!Comment from marigolds2 - 12/23/03 10:19 AM

Wow! You have a longgg trip ahead of you! I hope you have an awesome time sweetheart! THank you soo very much for everything...all the kind words and such! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!! ~ShellsComment from dazeychic - 12/23/03 8:25 AM

2005-11-17T05:34:00.000-08:00

May the Spirit Last All Year

Coming to terms with Middle Age shares a very heartfelt and important story. It's so easy to forget that we live in a world of haves and have nots. Lisa brings this out beautifully in the glamor of the event she attended. Being a HAVE, wrapped in a cloak of comfort and THINGS - I think we (mistakenly) take for granted that EVERYONE is so blessed. We're comfortable and we just FORGET! Then we see the huddled old woman picking from the trash, or the guy who sleeps under the underpass and it slaps us - and I think it frightens us! We've ALL averted our eyes and walked by. I know I certainly have. We should all imagine spending a day in their worn out shoes and then reach out and do what we can. I'm so impressed that charity to others is a recurring theme in the journals. This is a very caring group of individuals.
Happy Holidays to you all.
And may we all do what we can to make someone elses world brighter in the coming year.KatWritten by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 2 comments:
My heart always breaks when I see people in need and I wish I could take them home with me, but I know that's not possible. There is more goodness out there than we know about.Comment from karensull12 - 12/22/03 6:42 PM

You wrote a mouthful. beautifully said.Comment from alphawoman1 - 12/22/03 3:32 PM

12/22/03

2005-11-17T05:32:00.000-08:00

More on True Love

Just One Girls Head Noise has set me to pondering true love. She has linked to a poem which suggests the many wonderful qualities of love that's true. It is an amazing sentiment - something we would all wish to have in our lives. But unfortunately, that would set the bar WAY to high.
I know there are a few people out there who really, truely find the love of their life the first time around. How I envy them. Maybe they are old souls who have some special "wisdom" that helps them recognize true love. I think one key to finding true love is really knowing yourself. One needs to know what they need and what they are capable of giving. Then they have to be prepared to at times need less and at times, give much more. This is something I certainly didn't understand when I was married. And now, 22 years later, I find myself almost directionless. Over that time I've been needed so much and given about all I have. I'm learning that if you don't love yourself it's very difficult to truely love someone else.
And we have to accept that ALL PEOPLE CHANGE. Someone sent me a funny little thing that said
"Women marry expecting to change their husbands, and men marry and can't understand why their wives change".
We all change - it would be so sad if we didn't. And unfortunately, we don't always change in compatible ways. But that doesn't mean the love wasn't true.
I accept the notion that true love does exist. But I don't believe that true love always equals lasting love. That's part of what is so painful as a relationship crumbles. We think of them as one and the same. We change, we grow, we have new experiences....to me, true love would be letting go if you must, because the happiness of your loved one is paramount to your own. And if the loved one circles back to you, then you know this love is lasting love, and you know THEIR love is true.Written by sunflowerkat321 .

This entry has 3 comments:
I think you said it in the way I see it too. Youmay experience "true love", but that is noguarentee that it is "forever"...some peoplehave a notion that if it's true, it should last forever.And you don't always end up with your soulmate...tome it's not just the person you fall in love with, it couldbe a cherished friend, a child, a family member, etc.~~Penny~~Comment from raisinglouisiana - 12/26/03 11:18 AM

I have been married to my husband for more than half of my life (I'm 43). I know there are stories out there about how young marriages don't last, but we are the exception. We are not some great LOVE story, but what we are is committed to one another and our children. We know that the grass is not greener on the other side. We settle, we fight, we are not always happy, but I cannot imagine my life without him.Comment from karensull12 - 12/22/03 6:47 PM

It's hard to view "lasting love" through the rose-colored glasses of "true love." Especially in a marriage. The everyday buggers and warts of your partner, that you must live with, seem to take the bloom off the rose...but letting each other BE each other is key. Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/22/03 9:43 AM

12/21/03

2005-11-17T05:31:00.000-08:00

Perpetual Motion
Isn't it something how you just feel that you go, GO, GO!!
We got through our party - it worked out great. I was surprised that the boys did NOT wear out as much as I had hoped. But they had a lot of fun and my house is not destroyed.
But it seems you never get a break! I got home and moved on to the next thing on the never ending to do list. I have commitments to my sons school that I need to complete before the holiday. AND we're heading up to Vermont on Tuesday for a few days of skiing. Nothing is packed, I'm not even 100% sure of what gear we couldn't locate. The next couple of days are going to be nuts.
And what I'm really thinking about is how I hate to be away from the computer and my journal. I never expected to get this hooked this quickly. We will be back on Sunday (Dec. 28) and I'm sure I'll want to spend quite a bit of time getting caught up on everyone's holiday stories.
So, wish me luck. I'm not a very experienced skier. I really don't like to get off the beginner trails. I love being out there, it's beautiful and I love the feeling of swooshing down the mountain - CAUTIOUSLY. I am very cautious, I do NOT like to feel out of control or get going too fast. Goodness knows - the world would stop here if I broke anything.
Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 3 comments:
hehe can you say "laptop" !! i can't live without mine loli hope you all have a wonderful time and you'll be missed !!pamelaComment from his1desire - 12/22/03 8:51 AM

Yes...the journals are addictive. But we all remember to have lives anyway. Yours sounds like fun...enjoy it!!! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/21/03 10:12 PM

Have tons of fun (craziness, and all!)! :-)xo ~ IsabelComment from isabelzmia - 12/21/03 9:56 PM

2005-11-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

Party Time!
As if this time of year isn't busy enough...we're having a birthday party for Joel today. He was nine on November 29th - Thanksgiving weekend. Trying to fit a kid party in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a challenge, but today's the day.
We're having a POOL party! I teach at a pool that's under a bubble and we're having the party there. I don't know why it's taken this long for me to figure out that this is the PERFECT winter party for a group of boys. We've had them to our house - chaos! We've had them to Chuckie Cheese - SHOOT ME! But I think this will be great. They get to swim for 2 hours and I have some cool water games planned. That should wear them out. Then we have a party room for an hour for cake and a magic show put on by....Joel's AMAZING dad! Pack up - we're done!Written by sunflowerkat321 .
This entry has 1 comments: ***Happy belated birthday, Joel!***xo ~ IsabelComment from isabelzmia - 12/21/03 9:57 PM

2005-11-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hannukah begins tonight
Tonight is the first night of Hannukah. This is a screaming example of what is different about this holiday. The world just goes on! We need maybe 15 minutes to get together, light our candles, say our blessing and open a gift. But there's also Cub Scouts, and a youth program my daughter participates in. I think we're going to have to eat as we dash through the kitchen and maybe when everyone gets home from their activities - we'll get to Hanukkah.
Since the holiday continues for eight nights, that's eight nights to juggle - to find just a few minutes for the family to gather. It's unbelievable how difficult this is.
On the upside - there's no hard and fast deadline to being "ready" for Hannukah. I haven't wrapped a thing. I haven't even completed my shopping. You just need to stay ahead by one day. It's a perfect procratinators holiday.
With that - I probably should pull it together and get the three first gifts ready to go. Happy Hannukah everyone!Written by sunflowerkat321 .
This entry has 6 comments: Yeah, I can totally understand! Sometimes we celebrate both, Chanukah, and Christmas! lol This year, my poor menorah is just sitting on my bookshelf... I haven't even lit on candle! I'm a bad girl! I'm not Jewish, my husband is, but, I enjoy the traditions. We're trying to figure out what we'll celebrate when we have kids. We might do the good 'ole Seinfeld - FESTIVUS for the REST OF US! lol xo ~ IsabelComment from isabelzmia - 12/21/03 10:00 PM

guess i'm not the only curious one then ! thanks marigold !! i'll head over there right now and read what John has to say :)pamelaComment from his1desire - 12/21/03 7:36 AM

hey sunflower! i have just found your journal and will visit often. come read my Chanukah entry if ya have the time: journals.aol.com/marigolds2/thewindmillsofmymind/entries/248to his1desire: the difference is just a different way of writing the transliteration of the Hebrew. john scalzi links to a site on BytheWay that talks about this very thing today.Comment from marigolds2 - 12/20/03 2:22 PM

a procrastinator's holiday! I love it! Interesting read.I don't know anyone that celebrates Hanukkah. I look forward to hearing about it from your perspective.Comment from hillareeday - 12/20/03 12:56 PM

i hope you don't mind my question .. do you know what the difference is between Chanukah and Hannukah? this isn't a quiz lol just something i've been curious about :)pamela (GirlsHeadNoise)Comment from his1desire - 12/20/03 9:02 AM

Happy Hannukah! I'm not jewish but I can relate in some strange way to this entry. Perhaps it's because Christmas doesn't really fall on just one day. It seems to occupy the space of a month.. and there's still so many other things going on, things that need to be done, etc. And the big day is nothing more than the culmination - a wrapping up, if you will - of all the madness that ensued over the entire month. It's now 5 days to xmas and I'm no where near ready. Ach! :)Comment from slowmotionlife - 12/20/03 2:00 AM

12/19/03

2005-11-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

More on Dreams
This is not a dream I had - but one my sister shared with me. I found it to be a stunner.
My dad's mother was incredible. We all adored her. She lived just two blocks from us in the house SHE grew up in. Her name was Gladys but everyone called her Hartie. She was always glad to have us with her and was quick to involve us in anything she did. We were NEVER a bother to Hartie. When we needed to escape from home - we'd always run to her.
After she died, my sister and her family moved into her house. Can you imagine - 5 generations of the family had lived in that house. However, my sister was going through a rough patch - her marriage was upset and they were in trouble financially. Well my sister had a dream. Hartie came into her room (which had been Hartie's room) and sat down on the edge of the bed. She told my sister not to worry, that everything would be alright.
The next morning, she got up to wake her son for school. Nik said to her that he'd had the strangest dream. Hartie had come into his room, sat on the edge of the bed and told him that everything was going to be alright.
How cool is that?Written by sunflowerkat321
This entry has 4 comments:
WOW!!Comment from mrscheesestix - 1/12/04 1:42 PM

Wow. I think your family must have strong religious connections and/or a second sight. This is WAY cool.Everyone needs a Hartie.Comment from andreakingme - 12/19/03 9:47 AM

personally i'd say it doesn't get much better than that :) what an awesome thing to have in your life !!pamela (GirlsHeadNoise)Comment from his1desire - 12/19/03 8:15 AM

VERY cool indeed!Thanks for stopping by my journal...come back any time! Lisa :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/19/03 12:58 AM

12/18/03

2005-11-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

Nocturnal Visits
Inspired by andreakingme and onmiownnow2 - I'm remembering a very vivid dream I had about my dad. He was a big guy with a big laugh and a big heart. My sisters and I adored him. It's still hard to accept that he's gone.
He was ill for a long time before he died, so we really watched him waste away. He'd been a long time smoker and started having lung problems. He had surgery and was never really the same. He'd lost so much lung capacity, he had enough breath to get around and that was about it. He later had a brain tumor - that's a story for another time.
I rarely remember my dreams - but I'm so glad I remember this one. I dreamed that my husband and children and I had moved to a new house. We were very excited about it. The doorbell rang and my parents were standing there. My dad looked GREAT! He was robust, full of life, laughing. I got one of his big warm "Daddy Don" hugs. We showed them all around the house. He held my hand and kept smiling at me. We were talking and laughing. But then, as we were finishing the tour, he started to fade. It was then I put it together that he was dead and this was a dream. But as he faded he said to me "it's just such hard work to be here." I woke up feeling like he had visited me. I took it as a message that wherever he is - he is whole again. And he summoned all his energy to get here to let me know that. That gives me peace.Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 3 comments:
This is wonderful! My nephew had a dream about his grandfather ,who in his dream told him "nothing is what it seems to be" and after visiting said " I have to go now" I'm trying to convince him to start a jouranl and write about it.Comment from mrscheesestix - 1/12/04 1:39 PM

I envy you. I loved my sister and my dad...miss them more than I can say. But I don't dream about them. Seems like in order to get past the sadness, I had to shut them out completely, even from my subconscious. How I would love to be able to see them---alive and whole---in my dreams. :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/19/03 12:56 AM

WOW! This seems like MORE than a dream, Kat. It seems like a real visit from your dad! I bet he wanted to give you closure and peace for having to watch him die as you did. What a heartbreaking thing to have to do. Your poor family. I love the idea behind your magical dream. And I'm so glad you shared it!Comment from andreakingme - 12/18/03 2:52 PM

12/17/03

2005-11-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Back in the Swing
It has been SO miserable here - I haven't walked in 3 days! This makes me nuts. It makes my dog MORE than nuts. There is very little that will stop me from my walk. I don't mind the cold, I don't mind the dark. But if it's actively precipitating - I just can't do it. I always walk early because I know that once the kids are out the door, things will start happening and I won't get to it - then I feel like a slug.
But FINALLY, when the alarm went off today I didn't hear rain. So up and out I went. Berkeley (my golden) was beside himself. When I leave it is still dark, the stars are often so clear. And by the time I'm heading back toward the house, I'm usually treated to a sunrise. It's an awesome way to start the day.
I'm having to make a little adjustment though - because of this recently lost friend. We started talking over a similar interest in music. We both collect live Bruce Hornsby shows. We had traded some shows (it's legal) and I always listened to them on my walk. The music is just incredibly motivating. Upbeat, always different, just good fun. I'd walk and sing, sometimes dance a bit, and just enjoy the world around me. Sometimes I'd see wildlife, sometimes the sunrise was just extra spectacular. I'd run into the house, get online and send a babbling email to this friend about how great the music was and what I'd thought about while I was out. He was like my journal - and he ALWAYS wrote back, and encouraged me to write more.
Today I had to reorient my thinking. I didn't listen to Bruce - it's painful for the time being. And when I thought about running in to write - I was glad I'd started this journal. My thoughts today were all about making this switch, and watching for icy patches - YIKES! I can't afford a fall. I wonder if he misses my morning ramblings - they were always so up because I was SO UP. I wonder if he's sorry he's shut me out. Slap me - I've got to stop wondering.Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 2 comments:
It is tough to lose a friend like that unexpectedly. It does make you wonder for a long time. But like you said, you have your journal now. Keep walking. Keep feeling SO UP. You have us to write to now and we are reading.Comment from hillareeday - 12/20/03 12:49 PM

Nothing at all wrong with wondering, Kat.Glad Mother Nature finally decided to cooperate. Man, she's fickle.Comment from andreakingme - 12/18/03 2:46 PM

12/17/03

2005-11-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

Java Blues
I'm an NPR junkie. You never know what little tidbit you're going to get turned onto. Today they were interviewing a guy who'd written a book on consumerism. Did you know that if you've developed a two cup a day habit at Starbucks - you're plunking down upwards of $7,000/year!! My town isn't hip enough to have Starbucks - so I'm safe. But I found this staggering. And the calories in those tall cafe mochas....well, we just won't go there.Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 2 comments:
If you make your latte out of skim milk and use sugar-free syrup, it's only 90 calories and no fat. And you need the calcium anyway, so why not? If you lived in the Pacific Northwest, you'd get why $7000 per annum on coffee doesn't seem extreme... :-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/19/03 12:51 AM

I spend about ... $7 on a bag of Starbucks Breakfast Blend coffee once every two months or so. Not sure how big the bag is, but it would be the middle size. I get it at Scott's Grocery Store. I brew it up every morning just before I hobble-dash out the door. I loves me SB BB coffee!Comment from andreakingme - 12/18/03 2:55 PM

12/16/03

2005-11-16T11:04:00.001-08:00

Real Strength

My neighbors husband passed away last week. He had fought cancer for 6 1/2 years. Actually, I should say THEY fought the cancer. She's a nurse, she researched clinical trials and got him accepted into a few. They tried EVERYTHING - but unfortunately lost in the end.
At the memorial, she got up to speak - because he had asked her too. She talked of his final six weeks. She took a leave from her job and rarely left the house during this period. As long as he was strong enough, they worked together to make plans for her and their son. He is nine years old. He did not want her to face the aftermath of his death alone. So together, they sorted through all his clothing. His co workers came over and he emptied his office with them. They went through their photo albums and selected pictures for the memory board. He chose the menu to be served at the memorial. I found this to be an amazing act of love - and strength. Maybe when you've fought so long, you can come to terms with it. It is unimaginable to me.
When he would tire, she would sit near him and read the newspaper to him. He wanted to know what was going on in the world. They enjoyed their favorite music together. And the family celebrated Christmas on November 29th - because they all knew that he wouldn't last until the end of December.
He passed away at home. As she waited for the coroner, she felt she should play music. But she didn't want something quiet and mournful. He had been bigger than life - very animated with a warm smile and a hearty laugh. He wasn't particularly fond of Christmas caroles so that wasn't an option. She told us she put on Shanya Twain - and started to dance. She knew her husband would want to rock and roll out of this world and into the next.
Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 5 comments:
Wow. That is some serious strength of character.Comment from hillareeday - 12/20/03 12:43 PM

This made me cry, so much beauty and dignity you captured for them. A beautiful tribute to your friend.Comment from alphawoman1 - 12/19/03 2:58 PM

It's odd to me when I read stories of these heroic-seeming deaths. I watched both my sister and my dad die, within 4 years of each other, and didn't experience anything heroic or inspiring...only incredibly sad and gut-wrenching. Maybe it's me. But I guess I hope I can make a decent job of it when it's my turn to go... Lisa:-]Comment from mlraminiak - 12/19/03 12:48 AM

1 of 2Oh, boy. This was one of those *eat me up and spit me out* posts that make me cry. And dang it, I'm at work. ::big sigh, swallow:: Are there actually people like this Out There?Comment from andreakingme - 12/18/03 3:10 PM

2 of 2I'm like you in that I can't imagine how I could endure this kind of situation. Then again, if they've lived with it for so long -- he with pain and forced dependency -- she with dashed hopes and frustration, and pain at what he was going through -- I imagine that the end can be a bittersweet godsend.I have to go blow my nose now.Comment from andreakingme - 12/18/03 3:09 PM

12/16/03

2005-11-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

12/16/03

2005-11-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

Joel
My son Joel is nine. He is very bright and very stubborn. He's also a bit immature. On Wednesdays, after putting in a full day of school, he goes to Hebrew school. I'm frustrated today because I just got a call from his religious school teacher. Apparently she is unable to hold his attention in class. And because he's bored, he becomes a distraction. She's asking me to give her some answers.
This is a huge thorn in my side. In first and second grades we had the same types of call from his teachers, and we never really came up with a sure fire plan. Sometimes he'd respond to a reinforcement program for awhile, but then it would stop having any influence. This year he has a remarkable teacher. She has 30 years experience (so she's seen worse), she's BIG (over 6'), and she is very authoritarian in a gentle , softspoken way. The kids in her class KNOW what she expects - and she gets it. I have asked her about his behaviour in school and her response was that he was certainly not exceptionally unruly and that I shouldn't worry about it because in school it was between her and him. WOW!
One day Joel came home from school and told me he'd heard a rumor that Miss C (his teacher) was REALLY MEAN. He followed that with "but she's NOT!" I relayed this little story to Miss C and she just smiled at me and said, "I start that rumor".
So what would all you other moms out there do? I hung up the phone feeling bad because I could tell in the teachers voice that she was frustrated and a bit peeved that I was no help. I'm sorry - I have no magic answer!!! Do you?!?!
Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 2 comments:
I am a teacher and I deal with what you have described with my own students now and again. The best way I have found to make ALL OF YOU feel successful is working together. This isn't Joel's fault alone, it isn't your problem to fix, nor the teacher's. The three of you have to consistently communicate together. Good luck!Comment from hillareeday - 12/20/03 12:38 PM

i wanted to comment but i don't have "the answer" for you .. i get the same responses from my daughters teachers all the time .. and the same tone of disapproval when i am at a loss to help them .. she was lucky to get one teacher who really understood her and had no trouble relating to her .. i know this is going to sound odd, but shouldn't a teacher know how to get to know their students and learn how to best motivate them to their best capabilities? or am i way off?pamela (girlsheadnoise)Comment from his1desire - 12/17/03 8:57 AM

12/16/03

2005-11-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

Homework
Shelli P gave me homework - to get out there and COMMENT! Wow, how do we get more hours in a day? I have got to pry myself away from this PC and get something accomplished - but that's no fun. I would much rather read these stories than...do laundry, pay the bills, finish the holiday shopping, make necessary calls, whatever! But now I just have to grab myself by the scruff of the neck, give a good shake and get to it. Be back later.......Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 1 comments:
Welcome to AOL-J, sunflowerkat! And commenting can be a hassle sometimes - hard to find time for it - but it's the best way to learn about your neighbors and introduce yourself to the rest of us. That said, thank you for visiting my journal and for pledging to my Pounds for a Cause! :)Comment from slowmotionlife - 12/16/03 2:59 PM

12/15/03

2005-11-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

A Hole in My Heart
One reason I've decided to start a journal now is because I have recently lost a friend....or someone I thought was a friend. I have confided SO much in this person - and I believed he really appreciated what I said, and appreciated me. I certainly cared (and still do care) about him. Yes - this is one of those internet relationships that I warn my kids about. It came at a time when I was very vulnerable to a friendly ear. We started out with lively email banter, and led to talking about our lives - both the wonderful and the mundane. He was very candid with me - his life was pretty near shambles and I tried to support him
But what's so difficult now is this. Over the past few weeks, his life has been crumbling. Everything is going wrong. He is overwhelmed, hurt, rejected. He became more distant - but still encouraged my emails. He excused himself from responding by saying he was just too overwhelmed. But now somehow - I've become part of the problem. It's such a disappointment, because I was only trying to be the best friend that I could be. He has deleted the screen name I write to (however I'm aware of others). I have treasured the friendship and now it seems to have dissolved. I don't know what I did - or could have done differently. I know it's his loss. But why do I feel like it's mine.
Written by sunflowerkat321

This entry has 2 comments:
When people are depressed, they tend to push people away. This isn't always easy in real life, but it's as simple as deleting a screen name online. It sounds as if you've done all you can. You offered your friendship Just be sure now not to allow this person to become an emotional vampire - to suck you dry emotionally. :(Comment from slowmotionlife - 12/16/03 2:54 PM

It's tough when someone shuts you out and you don't know the reason why. But it seems as if you tried to talk to him and he wasn't nterested in communicating further, for whatever reason. For your own sanity and sense of well being, you have to accept this and move on with your life. You cannot save anyone but yourself. ;-)Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 8:27 PM

12/15/03

2005-11-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

December Dilemma

I'm reading many journal entries about the upcoming holidays. This is an odd time of year for me because I was raised as an observant Catholic and my family tended to go WAY overboard with Christmas. Through my teenage years, I had my issues with the church and before I was married, embraced Judaism. It has been a good fit for me, and I am doing my best to raise my kids with a strong Jewish identity. But there is one undeniable truth - Hannukah is NOT Christmas!
Each year at this time, as everyone makes all their holiday preparations, I feel a little like a loose end. Oh, we decorate and make latkes and exchange gifts. Lighting the menorah with our children is heartwarming. But a dreidel and a few chocolate coins is not an even exchange for a stocking stuffed full of goodies. For years I worried about my kids feeling "left out". But I finally came to realize that this is what's normal for them. My children never had Christmas - so they don't have a sense of loss. It's really a little odd when another family wants to come "experience" Hanukkah. We gather at the table, say the prayer, light the candles, exchange a gift - and that's it. That's it?! That's it?! Yep - no orgy of gifts, no all day affair - that's it. Wait - pass the brisket and potato pancakes.
For a few years, we tried spending the Christmas holiday with my family. But after we ran off the road in a snowstorm one year, we stopped driving out to Indiana to be with my parents. We spent a couple of Christmases with my brother and his family. One year my daughter Adrienne blurted out that there was no Santa in front of his daughter at dinner. We were never invited back. Don't worry - my niece was so exhausted by that time, it went right over her head. No damage done.
In a way - I wish that they (whoever "they" are) hadn't tried to elevate Hanukkah to the Jewish equivalent of Christmas. It would be good to let it be what it is. I value the tradition - the Hebrew prayer, the candles, the story. I do feel part of an unbroken chain centuries long.

Written by sunflowerkat321 . Link to this entry

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I've often wished that the traditional [commercially-driven] Christmas was more simple, like you've described it. Fewer gifts but gifts that have meaning. A quiet dinner. It sounds so nice. Calmer than the insanity I know as Christmas! I think your children are lucky.Comment from slowmotionlife - 12/16/03 2:57 PM

Well, you could fit what I know about Hanukkah into a thimble, so I'm glad you talked about it a bit here. Actually, it sounds wonderful. Heartwarming. And a lot more sane than hyped-up Christmas. It seems today that it's all about buy, buy, buy and not at all about remembering what the holiday is really about.Something ironic? I live in Indiana. And my hubby comes from Pennylvania. So we do the exact opposite of what you do. Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 8:15 PM

12/15/03

2005-11-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

A little more about me
This is me. As I said, I'm 46 and have three kids. They range from 9 to 16. I'm college educated, have had my own business and am currently a stay at home mom. My husband is the CEO of a small start up company. We've been married for 21 years. This is part of my angst - it's just dawned on me how long "til death do you part" may be. OMG I feel guilty about that.
I love music and am a pianist. I LOVE to dance - but am not a trained dancer. I'm one of those wild twirly type dancers. I like to rock and roll, but my dad was a student of music theory. When we were kids, he would critique all the popular music that came into the house. "Only three chords in that song!" he'd tell us. We learned to appreciate complexity in music. When I hear some of the stuff my kids listen to I have to laugh. If he were still here he'd say "No chords in that song!" But he was the BEST kind of dad. He was cuddly, he would read to us, and we'd all sing together. There was always room for one more kid on his lap. He was a big man and had a hug that would envelope you. He was always emotive - he would always tear up when it was time for me to leave after a visit. I miss him terribly.
I am a bit obsessed with diet and fitness. One of my biggest frustrations are that my kids are stubborn picky eaters who consume too much junk and won't get off the couch! ARGHHHH! I recently started teaching aquatic fitness - and I love it! I also walk 5 1/2 miles almost every day - at 5:45 am. I know - I'm nuts. Actually, sometimes I think the walks are the only thing that lets my hang onto my sanity. I live in eastern Pennsylvania - and the terrain is beautiful here. On my walk, I pass farms and a park and cross TWO covered bridges. It is bucolic. And it gives me just the endorphin boost I need to kick start my day.
OK this is not feeling quite as uncomfortable as I thought it might. I'm looking forward to sharing with anyone out there who feels like listening.
Written by sunflowerkat321 . Link to this entry

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Couple of things: Guilt about marriage? Hmmm.Your father sounded wonderful. Lucky, lucky you.I WANT to be a fitness freak. Soon.My hubby comes from eastern PA, a little town just a burp away from Binghampton, NY. Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 8:10 PM

HI sunflower! Im so happy that you have decided to take the plunge into journaling! It can be quite a ride..so hang on! I admire you for walking so early in the AM...that is soo great! I dont have that kind of commitment...tho Id love to create some! Next up on your list, that I have kindly created for you (hehe) is to start leaving comments on peoples journals that you read! They cant find you otherwise! Good Luck and Keep writing! ~ShelliComment from dazeychic - 12/15/03 12:08 PM

12/15/2003

2005-11-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

Intoduction
Here I go! As I mentioned above, I've been reading a number of the journals for awhile. I guess I've been a little shy - I haven't left comments, but I've loved reading what others have to say. I love your stories of joy and sorrow, success, confusion and aggravation. I've been captured by the intelligence and the wit. I've laughed out loud on many occations. The stories of day to day life are inspirational - it's always something, isn't it? It helps to know that I'm not the only one our here - often struggling with whatever comes along.
This has been a rough year for me. I've had things happen that have made me question the direction of my life. I've let someone in who has deeply disappointed me. I don't know if that was a mistake or not. As the story unfolds, I'll either recognize what a fool I was, or figure out if it was a blessing in disguise. Maybe one of you out there will help me see it.
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sunflowerkat321 . Link to this entry

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Hello there, sunflower girl. I don't know if I'll be able to help you see where you might have gone wrong, if that's what you did (people are complex and sometimes we do things that just don't make sense), but I'm a big believer in writing (journaling) being of great help in sorting things out.Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 8:05 PM