Saturday, April 08, 2006


I sat down at my desk...and Amelia's screen name is up on my buddy list. I haven't seen it there in ages. I IM'd her...she didn't respond. Now, I'm wondering if just by IMing a "hello" and an "I love you", I've complicated all our legal issues. Will I now get a nastygram from Marty for going against his wishes...for interferring? How wrong is all this????

It's ironic. I was just thinking about her today, and really feeling a lot of pain about how Marty has put a barrier between us. It tears me apart to have NO idea when I'll get to talk to Amelia again...much less see her. She lost her mother suddenly and tragically, and she cannot turn to any of the women from her mother's family. We are the only women who could BEGIN to approach providing her with the familial love she has lost. I was wondering if she thinks we've just abandoned her. I'm wondering if Marty's tactics are working. I know he hopes that she will just have no interest in this side of the family at some point. He hopes our connection to her will just disintegrate with time. He wants to take her from us....for good.

Meg would want us to look after her be there to support her and comfort her. He precludes us from being able to do that for either Meg OR Amelia.

It's a terrible dead just be held at bay. To have so much emotion for a person inside, so much love, that just has nowhere to go. Even more frightening, I feel that sadness evolving into hate. I have NEVER felt loathing toward another human being. But I feel it toward Marty. Then, the guilt kicks in. I know I shouldn't harbor these types of feelings toward someone. I know he deserves it...and he's brought this upon himself. But, I still don't like it....not one little bit.

I'm feeling heartbroken right now. I just want to hold that child. I remember in the summer, her lying on the hammock with me....I held her in my arms and she was crying about how hard her life was. The fact that I can't be there for her, kills me.

I'm sorry...I just needed to talk. I'm heartsick


Cynthia said...

Oh Kat, I'm so sorry. Keep on livng and trying, dear. Amelia will want to know her mother's family. It's inevitable.

Judith HeartSong said...

I'm so sorry... and I can understand some part of this in what has happened with my children.

She needs you and I am so sorry. judi

Paul said...

Amelia is not the only one who needed a hug.

Anonymous said...

oh kat, I'm so sorry. I don't understand why he would want to keep amelia from her family...that is just heartbreaking. jerseygirljournal

BoiseLadie said...

Bless your heart! I have not been around blogs and journals for a while, so I was trying to do some catching up here... I seriously don't understand a parent who doesn't want their child to have all the love they can get. Amelia will see through all this, understand all this, someday. And then, she'll be around. I'm sure she feels the love you and your family holds for her. You two are connected, forever. Wasn't Amelia with you in California just before the accident? It's not like you've all just come out of the woodwork to bother Marty and/or Amelia. You've been taken from Amelia, no different than the loss of her mom. I'm so sorry, and I pray this nightmare is over soon. You're in my thoughts often.