Day three of the one week bloggathon.
I'm thinking maybe posting regularly will start to feel natural again. I sure appreciated what everyone had to say in the comments about our old community. Maybe we can pull ourselves back together.
Warning...this entry will definitely feature some wallowing in self pity...just so you know and want to click out now.
Passover begins tonight, and therein begins my emotional distress. For most of the last 20 years we have celebrated this holiday with our close friends, our Jewish family, in Allentown. We didn't make it there in the fall for the traditional Yom Kippur break fast, and a variety of circumstances precluded us from going tonight for the holiday celebration. I'm having a terrible time with it, and struggling with a world class case of homesickness today.
I'm making a little Seder for the four of us, we'll at least have that. But, with all my heart I want to be with that same crowd of friends as we retell the story.
I'm thinking that perhaps I'm hurting from this a little more than I might because it comes directly on the heels of my trip to Indiana. I was already struggling with homesickness and bittersweet nostalgia. I've come to realize that, I'm ok with being in NY on a day to day basis. I don't love it, there's still a lot of emptiness associated with it, but there are some characteristics of the area that do engage me. Where I get into trouble is when I start thinking about my life either in PA or in IN. The feelings of loneliness and of being uprooted overwhelm me. The scab is ripped off the wound and I completely fall apart. That's where I am today...and it really sucks.
Another thing dawned on me this morning that I KNOW plays a part. When I made the decision to convert to Judiasm, I gave up all the major holiday traditions that I was raised with. It wasn't easy, especially when those holidays are going on all around you for weeks. But, I was committed to that decision and I just swallowed the loss. Then, as out family grew and we made new traditions with friends, that void was filled. This time, through circumstances beyond my control, I have lost all my holiday traditions again. Now, it's easy to think "start building new ones!" But realistically, the traditions evolved through the raising of our children over the last 20 years. The children are now mostly grown and the friends of 20 years are celebrating in PA tonight without us. Traditions take time....lots of it. And, we're one year into this.
My rational mind knows everything that's wrong with what I'm saying here. I'm constantly scolding myself about being such a big baby. I repeatedly find myself stuck in the same place within different situations. I can't go back, but I don't know how to move forward. Part of the intertia comes from fear of facing more hurt. I really am afraid to attach to anything for fear of losing it. In the last three years I lost my sister, I lost the two places that I considered "home", and now my holiday traditions are slipping out of my grasp. I would LOVE to find a way to get ahold of myself....to come to my senses and move on. But for the life of me, I just cannot figure out how.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry you are having a hard time and feeling homesick today. Holidays should be a time of joy. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain Kat. I'll be thinking about you and sending warm thoughts.
Lots of love, Martha
This much I know: You don't always "come to your (your) senses," but you DO move on. Time goes on and we have to go with it, wherever it goes. At some point, you just decide to make the best of wherever you land, even though it never quite compares with where you were...
You have been through an enormous amount of change. Of course, you're feeling a bit adrift. That it's natural doesn't make it any easier to handle. Enjoy your Seder. Take it moment by moment. It's only been in the little moments that I've found, with the changes I've gone through, what I want to carry with me into the future.
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