4/6/09

Well, this is a situation that just a few years ago I never would have imagined. I'm in my hometown in Indiana...staying at the home of my oldest childhood friend, four doors down from the house where I grew up. It's just weird.

Arielle was accepted to Indiana University, and she and I made the trip out here so she could get a look at the campus. We flew into Indianapolis yesterday and drove to Bloomington. We visited with my cousin and his wife, then took my nephew and his girlfriend out to dinner. We spent the night in Bloomington and today was pretty well consumed by campus tour/orientation for accepted students.

I didn't go to IU, but several members of my family and many of my close friends did. I have enough of a history there that touring the campus brought back a lot of memories. The weather was awful, but I really loved every moment of walking through the campus.

I expected this trip to be essentially a formality. I thought Arielle was already to a point where she was feeling like she'd made a decision. But, she really liked IU. She says she's got some research to do and a big decision to make. It looks like it's going to be IU or U Mass.

I don't really know which I'd be happier about. I'd like her to be close, where it's easy for her to get back to us. There's also a piece of me that would like to have her out here in Indiana. I'd have a reason to come back here from time to time.

But, being here has not been without its emotional pitfalls. I had made plans to come down to Bedford and visit my friend, but as I was leaving Bloomington and heading this way I was so anxious I felt sick. The tears stung my eyes as I drove past my grandmother's house. I was overwhelmed with sadness when I went past my home. It's like an empty shell...the family that occupied it for the last 100 years has abandoned it. I felt a bit like a traitor.

I cried a bit when I first arrived at my friend's, but she was expecting that this would be a difficult visit and was prepared to mop me up if she needed to. It wasn't that bad, but the fact that I'm up here now in her guest room instead of down the street in my room is just too unnatural to put into words.

It makes me wonder if I want an excuse to come back here. Just like the PA situation....I can't visit the friends I love without having to wrestle with the pain over what I left behind.

It's a short visit....just one night. Tomorrow we head back to NY. But first, I'm visiting the cemetary. I need to be with Meg and Daddy, my baby sister, Schuyler and my grandparents for just a little while. I'm afraid it will be too long until I'm back here again. I know it's going to break my heart. But I just need to go.