8/2/11

Yesterday was the anniversary of the last day of my "normal" life.  The last day I felt fully like myself.  Six years ago today, the first (and worst) of a series of events began that have pulled me further and further from feeling my place in the world.  Six years is a long time to drift and I still have no real vision of what will bring me back to a sense of stability.  Who knew that at the age of 54, so much of my life would feel so far out of my control.

Today is the sixth anniversary of the terrible accident that killed my sister and my nephew.  It's a loss I've learned to live with but some days my psyche and my heart finds it  almost impossible to accept.  

Since that day, I have been repeatedly thrust into life changing situations that have challenged my belief that a life I envision for myself is within my grasp.

Six years and one day ago, I was living in a bubble of contentment.  I loved my home and my community, I had wonderful friends around me, my family was intact and we were emotionally and financially secure.  That day now seems like ancient history.  It all started with a devastating phone call.  I relive that moment frequently in my head and still can hardly believe the news it brought.  It broke my heart and robbed me the ability to believe that my loved ones are protected and safe.  And now,  so much more has happened I feel  little confidence  going forward.

My husband lost his job...not once, but twice.  The first we knew was coming and we would have weathered it better if it was not in the immediate shadow of Meg's death.   I was grieving while things were uncertain and I was not up to the task of providing Aaron with the support he needed.  He looked for work for a year and when he found a job, it required a relocation.  I was about to be faced with my next big loss....either my husband, or my home.

I chose to keep my marriage intact but the price for that choice has been monumental.  I loved my home, I loved where it sat, I loved (and still love) my neighbor there.  I loved my friends.  I loved my place in the community.  I loved the surrounding area.  I loved that everything around me was filled with memories of my precious children growing up and happy times with my dear friends.  In my heart...I was home.

But I left it.  I can't let myself believe that it was the wrong thing to do even though my gut told me otherwise.  It would have been worse to divide my family.    I've regretted that I wasn't more forceful about my instincts.  It's like another death to me.  Just like I can't get my sister back, I can't get that life back.  My homesickness is like a rotten spot on my soul.  It's a festering wound that just won't heal.

The first two years in our new place were rough.  I was heartsick to be here and felt tremendously displaced.  Were it not for the few friends who supported me over the miles, I don't know how I would have made it.  It was very difficult to meet and connect with anyone here.  I felt "out of sight, out of mind" with many people I'd left behind and that was painful.  Some days I'd look around and think "where am I? WHO am I?"  Of course, it put tremendous strain on my marriage.

By the third year, I'd made one friend and was finally getting my head around "this is where I live."  While I was still very fragile with homesickness, I was getting a bit stronger and a more peaceful in my day to day existence.  Then, Aaron came home to tell me that he'd lost his job.

Aaron was working as an executive at a semiconductor company.  It was a high paying position with a lot of responsibility.  He was laid off because the company had hired a new CEO and (as is not uncommon) she cleared the executive decks to bring in her own team.  From the moment she was hired he had an inkling this could happen, yet when it did we felt blindsided.

That was almost 18 months ago.  He has been looking diligently for work all along but things far out of our control an obstacle.  We are a statistic heard on the news every night.  We are the "over age 50 long term unemployed".  Aaron has exceptional skills and experience.  One prominent CEO in silicon valley invited him out to meet on a consult and told him that his resume "glowed in the dark".  But there are no jobs....there are no empty chairs.  And he can't get considered for a lower level position because his experience is a "threat".  No one wants to hire someone who could do THEIR  job.

Our expenses here are staggering.  Everything was within our budget when Aaron was working.  This was not a case of borrowing more than we could afford.  Thankfully we have money in the bank....we were conscientious about saving all our married life.  But now we are watching that nest egg hemorrhage.   We have put the house on the market but real estate is in such bad shape here that it is listed for what we owe.  All our equity is gone.  We can't get anyone to even look at the place.  With the economic uncertainty there's no surprise there.  Once again, we are a news statistic....upside down on our house and no buyers in sight.

I watch what's happening in our economy and with our pathetic collection of "lawmakers" and consider our status as a statistic and wonder if there is anything we will be able to do to get through this mess and land on our feet.  It's frustrating because for almost 30 years we really tried to be forward thinking financially....to plan for our future and the future of our kids.  We left the home I loved to come here because this was the clearest path to ensuring financial security.  Look where it got us.   Without a job or a buyer the outlook is pretty dismal and some days we are more discouraged than others.  The last six years has been a long haul of heartbreak and disappointment.  I'm tired....I'm tired of feeling this way.  Hopelessness is draining.  I keep looking for that one thing to grab onto.....like a solid stick in a flooded river.  I need to grab onto something to keep from swept away, pulled under, and drowned.  But, nothing feels like the solid anchor I hope to find.

I'm hesitating to push the publish button on this as the latest in a long series of woeful posts.   But today's anniversary is significant.  It was the first and most overwhelming loss in a series of losses that I'm struggling to recover from.  It's hard for me to wrestle with any one without all of them falling on top of me.

I've been wanting to return to blogging for awhile and all this emotional clutter gets in the way.  I'm hoping that if I dump it here one more time that maybe I can resume a pattern of blogging about TODAY without dragging in all the baggage of the last six years.  I'm going to try.  I hope a few of you out there are still with me....

iPhonography

This entry is cross posted to In My Dreams I Can Fly...

I have a confession to make...I drank the iPhoneography kool-aid.

I really like my iPhone.  I don't know anyone who has one who doesn't.  The people at Apple are geniuses.  It's not a phone...it's a fabulous toy for grownups.   It just so happens you can make a call with it.

I rarely took photos with my old phone.  I didn't start taking photos with this phone right away.  But then, I discovered the creative apps....I discovered iPhoneography...and I quickly learned that it's an art form that is being widely accepted by BIG names in traditional photography.  Photographers from National Geographic, Outdoor Photography and other major publications are ladling out the kool-aid to the rest of us.

It's being embraced for what it is.  What it is NOT...is a replacement for high quality dslr photography.  It's really a new creative medium that you carry in your pocket.  For people truly passionate about photography, it's not a way to turn a bad photo into a gimicky  "good" photo.  At present, we're limited in the amount of control available in making the image.  You can't set your shutter speed or control your depth of field.  So it becomes very much about composition and applying a new medium to a well composed picture.  

It's fun and it appears that the creative possibilities are almost limitless.   Google it...you'll be amazed.

June 5

Just checking in at the beach party for a little small talk.

Right now, I'm far from New York...sitting in my brother in law's living room in Barrington, IL near Chicago.  We're here to celebrate my mother-in-law's 80th birthday.

Aaron and the girls drove out ahead of Joel and me...airfare for five was just too steep.  But Joel isn't finished with school yet and we had to make a quicker turn around on the trip.  I love traveling by car and would have enjoyed a bit of a road trip.  But at least we got lucky and our flights were on time (early actually) and NOT packed like sardines.  We'll see how it goes on the return trip.

Our realtor is holding an open house at our place while we are away.  We just dropped the price on the house by a painful amount and it will be interesting (perhaps excruciating) to see if we can now draw in any potential buyers.  I spent the last two days before we left town cleaning like a mad woman.  I'm sure that anyone who has ever sold a house can relate to what an enormous pain in the ass this process is.  For the moment, I'm glad to be far away from that reality.

We have a small family and live far from everyone.  We haven't seen Aaron's parents since this time last year.  In light of all the uncertainty we are living with, it's a comfort to be here and feel like part of a larger whole.  It's good to talk and laugh, recall times past and just be with people who are "mine".  When your family is spread out, you forget what a comfort it is to be among them.  I was actually dreading this trip a bit because these days I feel so fragile.  The problems aren't gone, but surrounded by these people, I feel bit more buffered from everything we've been dealing with.

The party is this afternoon, and there is so much to celebrate.  My inlaws  (and my mom) have made it to their 80's and they're all healthy and independent.  I feel almost childlike in wanting to be in the presence of the security of the previous generation.  I am aware of how lucky we are to still have them with us and I want to take this day and hold onto it with all my might.  It could all change in one unsuspected instant.  Boy, hasn't that lesson been rubbed in my face again, and again.  As I sit here writing, I clearly see my mission of this day...to let each of these dear people know how much they are loved, and how much their love means to me. 

Have a great week everyone...

Away One Year

Wow...

It has been, and continues to be an overwhelming year.  I'll save that for another time.

Martha at Menagerie has started something new to attempt to draw bloggers into new sense of community.  She's describing it as a virtual cocktail party.  The idea is to write a blog post at least once a weekend and then link through her blog to the community.  She's suggested a little blurb about what's gone on that week, or a recipe, a photo....just about anything.  Click here for more details and to join in.

I have missed that feeling since the demise of AOL journals.  It was SO different back then.  I've missed the connection that we used to have.  So, I want to support Martha in this effort and hopefully regain some of the community spirit we used to enjoy.

I've been away for the last year for a couple of reasons, but the most significant is the tough times my family has been facing.  We're still in the midst of it and there's a lot of uncertainty.  I hope that maybe I can use these posts to put some focus on what's positive.

With that...

I want to share a big music event that's going on today....right now!  Bruuuce.com (a fan site for Bruce Hornsby) is running a fund raising event for 25 hours in support of two great causes, the ALS Association and the National Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (in the UK).   For 25 hours, at www.dailydoseday.com, live recordings are being posted for free download.  Each hour five additional downloads are added...one from each from five great artisits (Bruce Hornsby, Bela Fleck, The Grateful Dead, Phish, and Dave Matthews).  The downloads are completely free but the hope is that listeners will choose to help to support these causes by making a donation via the links provided on the site.

I invite you visit the site, download and enjoy the music and consider supporting these worthy organizations.  If you like these bands, this is a chance to grab music that is not in wide release.  And if you're a fan of one, chances are you will like it all.  It's a rare opportunity!

Happy Memorial Day everyone

***Quick edit...I just made the rounds of the links posted so far.  Everyone's offering up some pretty amazing recipes.  All we need is the music!  Who's ready to dance?

A Difficult Farewell

After three agonizing days, my ten year old golden retriever, Berkeley passed away.

I was away visiting my sister last weekend, and Arielle called to tell me he was acting strange. I arrived home on a late flight the next day and took him to the vet the following morning. An xray revealed coins in his intestines, and they did surgery that day to remove them.

But, they also discovered an abnormality with his spleen and removed that as well.

Post op, they were concerned about heart arythmias and about low red blood cell count. He was transferred to an animal ICU where he could get transfusions.

This is a long drawn out story of 48 hours of phone updates, worry and stress. Here, I'll share a short version.

Yesterday, it was suggested that they xray his lungs to see if he had any evidence of cancer. If so, we could assume that the spleen biopsy would come back to confirm it. He did have nodules in his lungs and his heart was slightly enlarged.

I visited him there yesterday morning. He walked into the visiting room on his own. We sat on the floor and he pressed his head into my chest like he always does to get his ears and neck scratched. But he wore out clickly and slid to the floor. I laid with him for awhile, then asked them to move him back where he could be reattached to his monitor and IVs.

Arielle and I went back to see him last night. He seemed like maybe he had turned a corner. He was upright and interacted with us, even though it was somewhat lethargic. He had not been willing to eat but I was able to coax him into taking a little cheese. Our plan was to not think about the cancer right now, but to try and get him recovered from the surgery and hopefully have a little quality time with him at home. I could tell the doctors were not optimistic, but I was feeling hopeful because he was doing so much better than he was in the morning.

I got a call in the middle of the night to tell me he was crashing. I was in a stupor. They asked me if I wanted to come down but I knew I couldn't safely drive myself there. Aaron was out of town so I would have to drive myself. They suggested another xray to see if he was bleeding out, but they were also leaving the door wide open for me to let them put him down. I couldn't give up, I ok'd the xray.

But he was under too much stress and he was experiencing arythmias....they called me 30 minutes later and said he was in cardiac arrest. They attempted about 5 minutes of cpr while I was on the phone, and then I told them to stop. Berkeley is gone.

I have a very heavy heart today. He has been my constant companion...my shadow for his entire life. He was my walking buddy, my fuzzball, and one of my babies. It all happened so fast and now, our whole family is in shock.

February 23, 2010

Two and one half years ago we packed up our family and moved to New York. This week, Aaron was laid off.

Yesterday was his last day in and he spent the day being professional and putting a positive spin on this reorganization of the company. Today, for most of the day, we've been doing a post mortem on the entire experience. Not that it changes anything, but for some reason he needs to look for signs that were missed or things he should have done differently. Tonight he has a "farewell" dinner to attend, and he's reheresing his speech. I am beyond blown away at how he's facing this.

As an executive, he'll have severance compensation so finances won't be a worry right away. Clearly, everything we spend money on will be more tightly scrutinized. I feel like I was blindfolded, stuffed in a sack, then dumped by the side of a lonely road in the middle of nowhere. I wonder how long it will take for us to find our way back to feeling settled. That's all I want. I've just about given up on ever feeling like I'm home.

Westminster Dog Show 2010

***I am moving my online portfolio to Zenfolio.com. It appears to have tons of great features that makes sharing your images on blogger and facebook super easy. This post is my first attempt at embedding a slideshow into an entry. Let me know if it's working for you.***

Joel is off school this week for winter break. We've been busy the first few days, but now we're just going to chill out the rest of the week, I think.




Monday, we went into Manhattan to meet up with a friend from Allentown and go to the Westminster Dog Show. I watch the show on tv every year, and have always thought it would be great to attend.



We went for the early part of the day, during the "best of breed" judging. The floor of Madison Square Garden is divided into six judging rings so there are multiple competitions going on at any point in time. I did my best to take photos from the stands, mere mortals do not have the ability to get down on the floor and be on eye level with the dogs during the judging.

However, we could go into the backstage or "benching" area where the dogs and owners spend their time before and after the judging. It was a mob scene back there, but you could watch as the dogs were being primped, talk to the breeders/owners, and pet and coo at the dogs. Many of the animals were happily tucked into their crates. With all the people and hubbub, it clearly has the potential to be a high stress environment for some of the animals. We could tell that many of these dogs were more than happy to be in their "safe place". But, just as many were delighted with all the attention they were getting from all the attendants. I'm sure there wasn't a soul back there who didn't LOVE dogs.

We didn't stay for the evening group judging but we were back on Long Island in time to watch it on tv. It was really cool to recognize some of the dogs who went on to that next level, however none of my favorites won their group to move on to best in show. Next year, I think I'll plan a little differently and hopefully spend even more time there. For a real dog person it's an experience not to miss.

Jan 30, 2010

It was a pretty uneventful week. It seems lately that, though I have quite a list of things I want to do, I feel stalled out. Here at the house, I wander from one project to another, putting things down and moving on before I really even get started. It's frustrating.

Getting out of the house is the best medicine. It doesn't help at all with getting me drawn into my projects, but it does get me doing something. I'm enjoying being out on these brisk winter days.

On Friday, my friend and I went to explore the Quogue Wildlife Refuge. It had been recommended by a Long Island birding enthusiasts site as a good place to see a nice variety of winter waterfowl. We weren't particularly blessed in that regard that day but we discovered their beautiful hiking trails.

It was supposed to be in the mid 40's on Friday, but it started out below freezing. While we were walking the trail, the most beautiful snow began to fall. It was big fluffy flakes that would stick to my checks and lashes. Walking the trail was like walking in a fairy tale. I was positively jubilant. I just LOVE winter.





The wildlife refuge also has a sanctuary for distressed wildlife and birds of prey that have been rescued but are unable to be returned to the wild. I'll be posting images of some captive bird of prey on my photoblog. Come see...

What Makes YOU Happy?

This challenge was presented to me as one of the participating contributors to Women On...

I RARELY do memes. But this one seems to have come along at a time when I feel open to the idea. Maybe it's because I know it would do me good to really think about what makes me happy...to remember that there are some things that make me feel completely alive.

And so...here are ten. Not necessarily a TOP ten, and in no particular order.

My Camera - Having my camera in my hands, anticipating the moment to press the button and seeing that I captured what I saw in my mind's eye. It makes me so happy to see that I have created a beautiful image. It makes me delighted when someone else tells me an image I've made speaks to them.

Music - I am initially attracted to the music I love by it's structure. Lyrics are usually secondary. I want the sound to take me somewhere and when it does, I am ecstatic. I love live music, when I can experience the passion of the musician visually as well. At the very tip top of my music happiness list....a Bruce Hornsby concert.

Dancing - Goes hand in hand with music. But, dancing with a partner stifles me. I'm a whirl and twirl, dance with reckless abandon girl.

Water - Any body of water delights me, from the ocean to the pool. I love the sounds of water, crashing waves, babbling streams, thundering waterfalls, the quiet lapping at the edge of a lake, the sparkle in the sun, the perfect parallel ripples, and of course, the life it attracts. I love to be IN water. I love to be wet and feel the sun shining on me. I love to swim and splash. I love muffled silence below the surface. And I love to close my eyes and just float.

Hugging My Children - I can't exactly classify being a parent as a "happy" experience. There are many happy times, and plenty of frustrations. But, holding one of my children just kind of sums it all up for me. It says how much love we share and how much we want to keep each other close. I hug my children every chance I get.

Dogs - There's nothing like a dog. I love all dogs, and of course mine in particular. Who cares if they are furry and often smelly? They are demonstrative in their affection, they are loyal, accepting, engaging and funny. It especially makes me happy when my dogs welcome me home....or into the room. They love me, they want to be near me, and they make me laugh.

Real Friends - The people who I know I could go to any time and share my highest highs and my lowest lows. The people who get me, and appreciate my quirks. Some of these people have been face to face friends, some I've met and come to know via the internet. But, they're all REAL friends and they let me know that. I love them and it makes me SO happy that we share our lives, the hard times as well as the good.

Spending Time With My Sister - She is one of the most precious people in my life. I had three sisters. One, I never knew....she died when she was a baby. For 45 years, I had two sisters and there was nothing like that relationship. I was so happy when I was with them. I loved how we could all burst into laughter spontaneously at an unspoken joke. I love how a bit of the child I was surfaces when I am with my sister. I have one sister left, and unfortunately, I don't see her near enough. That makes the time we do have together even more treasured.

Exploring and Discovering - I'm thinking of walking on the beach, eyeing the flotsom and jetsom that has washed up. I love finding unusual broken shells, beautiful feathers, bits of driftwood, interesting stones, colorful seaweed, etc. But I do the same in the woods, or along the side of the road. I think I'm drawn to the wabi-sabi nature of it. I find dried plants to have a sculptural quality. I love finding new life peeking out through the detritus of the previous year. I marvel at the shape, line and color of natural design. The diversity of life on earth takes my breath away as does the evidence of the passage of time. As much as I try to keep my eyes open and not "miss a thing", I have to wonder how many hidden gems I walk right by.

Having Creative Time - I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't consider myself one in the traditional sense, but I love to take time and try and create. I love dabbling with all types of mediums, but my favorites are textiles and photographs. It makes me happy to see things that I have created around my house. These creations will allow my children and my grandchildren to have a sense of who I was. Not only do I have the pleasure of making these things, but I have the sense that I will be leaving something behind. An additional layer of happiness comes from receiving affirmation....that someone else appreciates what I have created and it brings them a moment of pleasure or joy.

I need more....which is good news. I thought I'd have a difficult time coming up with ten but I could go on, I'm sorry that I have to leave anything out. This was a much better exercise than I had anticipated...THAT makes me happy. I'll stop after this one last happiness item of note.

Sunrise - It is my spiritual time of day. It stops me in my tracks. It makes me want to sing and dance. It is a promise of possibility. It is a gift of another day.

Part of this challenge was to pass it on to ten more people. I won't do that part. Putting anyone in on "the spot" doesn't make me happy. But, if you decide to give it a try, please leave me a link so I can come by.

I posted a few recent phots from a little winter walk at the beach at my photoblog. I don't know if anyone's watching it an longer, so I thought I'd make and announcement.
:)

We've had quite a hassle with Aaron's car this week. Who needs all these fancy features? It's infuriating.

I drive a beater of a Chysler minivan. Aaron drives an Acura.

On New Years Day we hit a crater of a pot hole on the Cross Bronx Expressway while driving back from PA. It was so huge, we blew out a tire. We pulled over to the right onto a little strip of shoulder between the Cross Bronx and another highway merging in from the right. We came up right behind another driver who was out changing his tire which was apparently blown out in the same pot hole.

Aaron changed the tire fairly quickly and we were on our way. Over the next couple of days he did some research and decided on what tires he wanted to purchase to replace the current ones. He called a local place asking about them and they said they'd have to do some checking to get back to us. We didn't hear from them for days and then Aaron had to leave for a business trip.

So...now I'm on tire aquisition duty. The place Aaron had been working with is staffed with lazy dolts. They never did get back to us and when I did a follow up call, he "checked the computer" and told me that no one had that tire.

I made a few more calls and finally found someone who had them, but there were a little more than Aaron expected to spend. I was done doing leg work so...this was the place that was going to win our business this time.

By now the car had sat in the garage without moving for 5 days. I went out to put the damaged tire back in the trunk, and the trunk latch wouldn't work. So, I went to get into the car to open it from the driver's latch and noticed that the car door was ajar. That's special...now the battery is dead. While feeling a bit put out, I knew this was only a minor set back. My van was parked just a few feet away.

I don't know a lot about cars, but since my first cars were VWs....I learned the basics early. I CAN change a tire and jump a battery. I opened the hood of Aaron's car, and the battery is nowhere to be found. Everything in the engine compartment of that car is covered. I tried to open a couple of the covers but they had no obvious release and they didn't want to come off. I'm scared to force anything like that.

No problem, I headed to the glove box for the owners manual....which wasn't there. There were several other little booklets, but I no reference where I could look at a little map of the engine and find the battery. I did find a toll free number for road side assistance. Surely they could tell me where the battery is hidden.

I called and got a very polite representative who was only too willing to help too much. He kept insisting they could send a service truck to my rescue. OK...it's not really necessary....just tell me where the battery is. No, no, no....it's not that type of assistance. They'll be happy to come help this poor damsel. I finally agreed while asking "how long?" He assured me that it wouldn't be too long, the average wait was about an hour.

This was just plain silly to me. I have cables, the other car is just a couple of feet away. If they'd just tell me WHERE THE BATTERY IS....I can have this done in about 30 seconds. Why would they insist on incurring the cost of sending someone out when they can just give me the information I need and I'm on my way. He insisted his job was to send out assistance and if I wanted this information, I needed to call the dealer.

By the time talked to a service rep at the dealer, I was so frustrated I was near tears. He told me which cover to open and how to get it opened without breaking it and voila....I clipped on the jumpers, tuned the keys and I was done.

Why do things need to be so ridiculously complicated.

So, now the car is running and the tire issue is resolved. But Arielle went with me to pick up the car and drive it home. Apparently, since the power was drained, the GPS/audio system will not reboot without a code number. Aaron doesn't remember the code, it's not in the owner's manual (which Aaron had taken from the car and put in the office), and the number suggested by the dealer didn't work.

Where's my VW?

Jan 8 2010

After two days a naseau and shivering under 40 blankets, I have returned to walk among the living. Unfortunately, tonight Arielle is sick. There's definitely a bug in the house. The good news is that Aaron is in Las Vegas at the Consumer Electronics Show and out of range of infection. Husbands are the biggest babies...

For those who asked....YES!! I certainly DID go dance on the stage at Hair. Would YOU pass up the chance to dance on a Broadway stage? It was clearly the only way I was ever going to get there. It was great!

I have a little story to tell about Joel, but first a little background. If you read my blog WAAAAYY back....you might recall that he

a) digs his stubborn heels in about homework and

b) he is the world's pickiest eater. He's actually gotten worse in this regard, with his list of acceptable foods dwindling to about 5 choices...most of them white.

This semester he has been in his third year of Spanish. He's never done very well in Spanish as he made up his mind on day one he HATED Spanish and that it was just "too hard." But, he's coasted along in the C range. It caught up with him this year. He was behind from the start and rather than do the work he needed to do to catch up.....he just fell further and further behind.

He has asked me repeatedly to allow him to drop out of this class. But, I've refused to consider it on the premise that letting him out of it because he's decided to slack is just the wrong message. What's to keep him from deciding to slack in all the rest of his courses next year? It would be worth a try for him if he knew he had the option to bail. It's a path a want to avoid.

But, both his guidance counselor and his teacher have come to me with the recommendation that he drop the course. They feel that at this point, the pressure we're all applying to the spanish situation is having a negative impact on his performance in his other classes. So, I have finally decided to bend on this on the condition that he steps into another elective next semester. Dropping Spanish does not buy him a free period.

His counselor emailed me yesterday and told me that the only available elective that will fit in his schedule is......international foods. The ultimate irony. I wrote her back...."Have you met my son?" But I decided this would be an interesting test. Would he opt for a course where he'd be faced with "exotic" food, or would he suck it up and decide maybe spanish wasn't quite so bad/impossible?

Well, he chose the food.

He knows he'll have to handle and cook food, but he seems pretty sure that they can't force him to eat it. His counselor has told him that he can't go in there and start immediately making a stink about how none of the food is anything he would consider eating. At the very least, he will (hopefully) learn to at least politely push the food around on his plate. Maybe.....just maybe....if no one makes a huge deal about it, he might even TRY something new when no one is looking. I can always hope, right?

These situations are not in the parent's manual. I know....I checked.

Jan 6 2010

Just got back from an overnight in Manhattan. Arielle and I went in to meet up with our dear friends from Allentown, Janet and Emily.

Now that we no longer live across the street, and the girls are on college, Janet and I both feel we need to build some travel traditions as a foursome. This little jaunt was great and we're ready to start planning the next one.

Arielle and I drove in this time. It was only my second experience navigating the streets of NY by car but I'm proud to say, it went very smoothly. We got around without getting lost (and NO GPS) and we only got caught in a gridlock once. There's so much to watch for....the street signs, the pedestrians, the cabs, the bikes, the busses, the double parked trucks. It's a challenge. But I feel like I have a better sense of the lay of the city than ever before. I wouldn't hesitate to drive in again. That's something I never expected to hear myself say.

We ate great food and spent some time in a museum and saw Hair on Broadway. At the end of the show, the cast extends an invitation to the audience for all to come onto the stage and dance. That is RIGHT up my ally....but no one else in our group was game. Are you kidding?!?! When again will I have the opportunity to dance on a Broadway stage? Gotta do it!

Adrienne went back to Pittsburgh today for her final semester. Aaron's also gone for the next 10 days for business. Arielle doesn't have to head back to Massachusetts until Jan 17. I'm glad she'll be here for awhile longer. If we can find a nice day, I think we're going to go in to the Bronx Zoo. I think it would be terrific to go in the winter when no on else is there.

It's taking some time to learn my way around this new computer. So far, I'm liking it. I downloaded the trial version of photoshop for Mac. It's a bit different and I'm trying not to get frustrated. I've been very uninspired photographically over the last few months. The display on this Mac is gorgeous though, so I'm itching to drag out the archives and play around. Maybe, I'm on my way back.

Jan 4 2010

That's my first time to write or type 2010. It often seems that 2009 was this fresh and new no more than a month ago. It goes WAY too fast!

I'm starting the new year, and decade with a cold and a new computer. I'm also starting with a new commitment to blogging. I really, REALLY hope is sticks.

This past year, I've felt that every time I sat down to try and write, I was whining. There were more than a few entries that were written then deleted on that premise. I can't guarantee an absence of whining, but the sand is starting to shift here and I think I'm going to need the outlet.

I'm not going to get into a lot of backstory and detail today, but I think this year may hold in it another move. The situation is in it's infancy but the signs are impossible to ignore. Another year of very tough choices, of working to accept what cannot be changed, and trying to find the tranquility to just live with what life throws at us.

All this is so new...too new to really even begin to talk about. Aaron and I have had a handful of conversations. But I feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb. My head's full of questions and concerns, my heart is unsettled and I know I'll need feedback and support from somewhere. I hope that place is here.

2010....new year, new decade....another redefinition of life.

Look Out Below...

We're back on Long Island and I'm trying to plow through the photos I took on the trip. I seem to have a chronic problem of taking tons of images and getting few to none posted. But this was so overwhelming, I have to share.



On our third day in the Adirondacks, we happened upon this beautiful waterfall. The Adirondacks are full of falls, many of them are miles off the road. But this one was easily accessible by a very short path, and seemed to be a spot well known but not overly crowded.

My kids love to go to waterfalls...and so do I. We love to scramble up the rocks and there's something so pleasurable about perching near the edge of a falls just in range of the cool spray. There were a few folks swimming in the pools at the base of the falls, and I'm sure we would have been too if the air temperature had been higher. Seventy degrees is a little chilly to venture into cold mountain water. At least, for some of us.

However, there were a few brave souls....and I DO mean brave!









As much as this terrifies me to consider, how I wish I had the nerve to do it. It looks like SO much fun!!!

7/19

It's our last morning at Lake Placid. It's chilly and the clouds are heavy and full of drama as they roll over the mountains. The shadows and light are constantly changing on the peaks. I could watch forever.

I love this area....the Adirondaks. It's another place I would not hesitate to return to. I'd even consider living here if I could. I've learned a couple of things over the last couple of years. I love altitude, and I connect more with lakes than the ocean.

Is it just me...or are vacations complicated? Overall, the five of us ave had a good time together. But, there have been points of such incredible frustration (on my part). The maintenance level of the members of this family is exhausting. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but there were so many times I'd look at one of them and think "just get over it!" "IT" was never worth the negative energy being put forth, and certainly not worth unloading said energy on everyone else. I love these four people but some of them (2 in particular) are really difficult to spend extended time with. They're just too needy, and pissy when their needs are not met. And somehow...if I try and address that fact, it all gets turned around and becomes about ME. I just don't get how that happens.

So, as beautiful as it is here....as happy as I feel in these surroundings, I'm ready to get back to LI where we can go our separate ways and have some space. It makes me sad that THAT is what I'm looking forward to. It's not supposed to be this way, is it? I'm haunted with wondering where I went wrong.

My Space....well, I can dream...

Earlier in the week we spent a few hours kayaking on Lake Placid. I was surprised at the boathouses on the lake. One after another, we paddled past beautiful structures built to provide housing for watercraft, often with a room or two above.

But when I saw this one....all I could imagine was what a great space it would be for an escape. A studio perhaps. I love the windows all around, and the beautiful view in every direction. I know realistically, it's not weatherized and would be miserably cold during an upstate NY winter. But if it could be...I think I'd love a space like this. I'll keep dreaming.
:)

That's Joel paddling by....

Weather....or not.

View from our room of Mirror Lake and the village of Lake Placid.


Weather is always such a big factor in a vacation....especially with my family. And, so far, the weather has been iffy at best.

I try and plan for all weather possibilities. I always want something to do. Ideally, we'd be out enjoying the area by hiking to high peaks or looking for waterfalls. But, no one really wants to get five miles out and then caught in a pouring rain. Yesterday, we got rained on a couple of times, but the rain was light and short lived so it wasn't bad at all.

Just in case, I always pack books, projects, misc. art supplies...things to engage us if we can't be out. I usually can keep myself, and one or two of the kids busy and happy. My "strict" girl scout upbringing = always prepared!

Aaron looked at the weather forecast last night and went into a bit of a funk. Today, it's supposed to be overcast and chilly...high 50's. He grumbles like there's something we can do about it. I'm actually glad to hear that the weather is supposed to be cool. Since I've passed age 50...I'm too warm all the time anyway. I'm much more willing to venture out appropriately layered for cool weather than walk into the blast furnace of real SUMMER weather. I find this weather, a relief.

No one else in the family is up yet....I've got to get them moving so we won't miss breakfast. Then, the discussion will begin....with all the overtones of disgust because it's not sunny and 80 degrees. What to do, what to do? I think I can jolly my children through it and "save the day". In regards to the husband, I'm not so sure.

I will now don my smiling face of optimism.....

07/11

I'm a little embarrassed at how long it's been since I sat down to write in this blog. I'll be honest, I've been discouraged at how the community has just kind of died back. I miss my visitors, but I'm just as guilty of not getting around the neighborhood the way I used to. But, I want to keep trying.

My lack of posts is not due to a lack of things going on. On the contrary, it's been a bit of a whirlwind. I'll give the very short version, and then try and fill in some blanks with follow up posts.

Most of my attention and energy has revolved around Arielle. She and I went to Allentown for a visit in May. She had her prom here in NY in June, and that was followed by her high school graduation, including grandparents coming to visit. I cannot believe we have two of the three kids through high school! It just went WAY too fast.

Of course, upcoming graduation meant we spent a lot of time over the last few months squaring away the college decision. She decided on UMass in Amherst.

Right before the 4th of July, I took her up to Amherst for her freshman orientation. I had never been there before I fell completely in love with the area. I would move there in a heartbeat!

The orientation didn't involve me at all. I dropped her off, and had two days to "play" while she was attending sessions and tours and making her schedule. But, I got a bonus! I have an very, VERY old friend who lives in the area. I hadn't seen her in thirty two years! As a matter of fact, we'd only been in touch twice in all that time. So, we were reunited and it was WONDERFUL! That's an entire story by itself that I want to share. I just need to sit still long enough to tell it.

I'm teaching aquatic fitness regularly at a national chain exercise club. I'm not particularly impressed with the way the program is run, but I am loving being back to teaching. I have a teaching style that is distinctly unique from the other instructors. This is going to sound snotty....but it's true. I'm the only instructor they have who has been educated specifically to teach in the water. I'm sure the other instructors are very effective in their particular areas of fitness expertise. But, what one knows about spin, or aerobic dance doesn't exactly translate to the water. The exercise mechanics in water are in many ways opposite to working on land. We had a "master" class for instructors recently and I learned two of them don't even swim! This just strikes me as....off. The good news is that the participants love my class....and tell me so on a regular basis. I'm getting a solid following.

We're leaving tomorrow on a family vacation up to Lake Placid, NY. I am so, SO looking forward to the trip. We will be in a setting that (to me) is just about perfect....a mountain lake region. I will be able to walk out the door of our hotel and take a three mile walk around a lake. I expect I'll be out a dawn every morning...weather permitting...either walking or out in my kayak. I'm also hoping to do some waterfall photography. It's something I've done some research on, but haven't had the opportunity to practice. No waterfalls on Long Island.

We started our vacation week today with a trip into Manhattan and a Broadway show. We promised Adrienne....uh....at least 10 years ago that we'd go see Phantom of the Opera. Well, we finally get her there.

I'll have to say, I wasn't really all that excited seeing the show....but I loved it. Visually, it was just a feast. I was so fascinated with the staging and THE COSTUMES!! Being the textile junkie that I am, I was just dying to get up close to those costumes....all that color and texture. They look so detailed and intricate from the audience, I can only imagine what went into them. I was looking on the internet for some images of the masquerade ball scene (which was spectacular)...but can find nothing that begins to do it justice. I'll keep looking.

So, that's the scoop in a nutshell. I really will try and do a post or two while we are traveling. I've neglected my photo blog just about as much as this one. But, I'll promise to try and do better if anyone is still with me.

Oh....and one more thing...

Something very exciting is brewing. Something I've worked toward, but have not dared believe was possible, for a long time. I won't say it yet because....while it's clearly in the works, its not cast in stone. I'm afraid, I'll jinx it.
:)

Floating Away

This weekend, we did something we've been talking about for at least two years. We bought a pair of kayaks. This was on the top of our "as soon as we move to Long Island" list, but it took us 21 months to get it done. While we bought two, we only came home with one as Aaron picked a color that was out of stock. So his will be delivered in a couple of weeks. That means that for now, any kayaking will be solo.

I've always spent a lot of time around water. I've logged countless hours in a canoe. But, my kayak experience is limited to a couple of occasions where we rented them for half a day or so. Where we live on Long Island, we are less than a mile from a harbor which opens up onto the sound in one direction, and an extensive wetlands in the other. So I don't have to travel far for a little kayak excursion. We took the boat down to the harbor yesterday and each of us took a turn taking it out for about an hour and a half. The water safety instinct that has been ingrained in me said "out in a boat alone? Not a good idea..." But, I know that paddling alone is not uncommon, and true evaluation of the situation made it a no brainer. Lifejacket, close to shore, flat water...so I agreed.

I may have a new passion. Since moving here, I have become so accustomed to being alone that I had no issue paddling off by myself. Company is not a necessity. And once I was out on the water, it was so still and beautiful, and interesting that the time flew by. I could glide by the edge of the grasses and get much closer to the egrets feeding along the shore. I'm going to have to practice stealth kayaking....I still spook them. I saw a heron take flight and an oyster catcher on the shore and a big horseshoe crab swam by. I paddled around a little island inhabited only by birds. It's protected for terns and plovers and I saw both. It's going to take me a little time to get up the nerve to take a camera out with me. And now I know why I hung on to my older model when I upgraded...it can be designated my boat equipment. I'm looking forward to exploring the shoreline from the water, getting another perspective. If anything will help me embrace living here...maybe, this is it.

This is a map of the harbor with the general route of my first outing inked in. There's still a lot to explore right in the back yard.

Playing Favorites

What I enjoy most about spring is watching my perennials reemerge. I welcome the return of color to the world and I like to see them thrive and fill with blooms as they get well established. I think of them as "mine" and when they come up, I feel reconnected with the earth. The sad part is that very few stay around as long as I would like, but as we move through the season, I have a series of favorites I look forward to.

Right now, one of my favorites is blooming full force. I absolutely LOVE columbine. They can be found in such a variety of colors and I love how they dangle at the end of slender stems. In PA, I primarily had purple columbines but here, I've been putting in more pink/red. They are exquisite and each day I go out to enjoy them. Like many spring flowers, the blooming season is too brief. I will miss them when they're gone.