What Makes YOU Happy?

This challenge was presented to me as one of the participating contributors to Women On...

I RARELY do memes. But this one seems to have come along at a time when I feel open to the idea. Maybe it's because I know it would do me good to really think about what makes me happy...to remember that there are some things that make me feel completely alive.

And so...here are ten. Not necessarily a TOP ten, and in no particular order.

My Camera - Having my camera in my hands, anticipating the moment to press the button and seeing that I captured what I saw in my mind's eye. It makes me so happy to see that I have created a beautiful image. It makes me delighted when someone else tells me an image I've made speaks to them.

Music - I am initially attracted to the music I love by it's structure. Lyrics are usually secondary. I want the sound to take me somewhere and when it does, I am ecstatic. I love live music, when I can experience the passion of the musician visually as well. At the very tip top of my music happiness list....a Bruce Hornsby concert.

Dancing - Goes hand in hand with music. But, dancing with a partner stifles me. I'm a whirl and twirl, dance with reckless abandon girl.

Water - Any body of water delights me, from the ocean to the pool. I love the sounds of water, crashing waves, babbling streams, thundering waterfalls, the quiet lapping at the edge of a lake, the sparkle in the sun, the perfect parallel ripples, and of course, the life it attracts. I love to be IN water. I love to be wet and feel the sun shining on me. I love to swim and splash. I love muffled silence below the surface. And I love to close my eyes and just float.

Hugging My Children - I can't exactly classify being a parent as a "happy" experience. There are many happy times, and plenty of frustrations. But, holding one of my children just kind of sums it all up for me. It says how much love we share and how much we want to keep each other close. I hug my children every chance I get.

Dogs - There's nothing like a dog. I love all dogs, and of course mine in particular. Who cares if they are furry and often smelly? They are demonstrative in their affection, they are loyal, accepting, engaging and funny. It especially makes me happy when my dogs welcome me home....or into the room. They love me, they want to be near me, and they make me laugh.

Real Friends - The people who I know I could go to any time and share my highest highs and my lowest lows. The people who get me, and appreciate my quirks. Some of these people have been face to face friends, some I've met and come to know via the internet. But, they're all REAL friends and they let me know that. I love them and it makes me SO happy that we share our lives, the hard times as well as the good.

Spending Time With My Sister - She is one of the most precious people in my life. I had three sisters. One, I never knew....she died when she was a baby. For 45 years, I had two sisters and there was nothing like that relationship. I was so happy when I was with them. I loved how we could all burst into laughter spontaneously at an unspoken joke. I love how a bit of the child I was surfaces when I am with my sister. I have one sister left, and unfortunately, I don't see her near enough. That makes the time we do have together even more treasured.

Exploring and Discovering - I'm thinking of walking on the beach, eyeing the flotsom and jetsom that has washed up. I love finding unusual broken shells, beautiful feathers, bits of driftwood, interesting stones, colorful seaweed, etc. But I do the same in the woods, or along the side of the road. I think I'm drawn to the wabi-sabi nature of it. I find dried plants to have a sculptural quality. I love finding new life peeking out through the detritus of the previous year. I marvel at the shape, line and color of natural design. The diversity of life on earth takes my breath away as does the evidence of the passage of time. As much as I try to keep my eyes open and not "miss a thing", I have to wonder how many hidden gems I walk right by.

Having Creative Time - I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't consider myself one in the traditional sense, but I love to take time and try and create. I love dabbling with all types of mediums, but my favorites are textiles and photographs. It makes me happy to see things that I have created around my house. These creations will allow my children and my grandchildren to have a sense of who I was. Not only do I have the pleasure of making these things, but I have the sense that I will be leaving something behind. An additional layer of happiness comes from receiving affirmation....that someone else appreciates what I have created and it brings them a moment of pleasure or joy.

I need more....which is good news. I thought I'd have a difficult time coming up with ten but I could go on, I'm sorry that I have to leave anything out. This was a much better exercise than I had anticipated...THAT makes me happy. I'll stop after this one last happiness item of note.

Sunrise - It is my spiritual time of day. It stops me in my tracks. It makes me want to sing and dance. It is a promise of possibility. It is a gift of another day.

Part of this challenge was to pass it on to ten more people. I won't do that part. Putting anyone in on "the spot" doesn't make me happy. But, if you decide to give it a try, please leave me a link so I can come by.

I posted a few recent phots from a little winter walk at the beach at my photoblog. I don't know if anyone's watching it an longer, so I thought I'd make and announcement.
:)

We've had quite a hassle with Aaron's car this week. Who needs all these fancy features? It's infuriating.

I drive a beater of a Chysler minivan. Aaron drives an Acura.

On New Years Day we hit a crater of a pot hole on the Cross Bronx Expressway while driving back from PA. It was so huge, we blew out a tire. We pulled over to the right onto a little strip of shoulder between the Cross Bronx and another highway merging in from the right. We came up right behind another driver who was out changing his tire which was apparently blown out in the same pot hole.

Aaron changed the tire fairly quickly and we were on our way. Over the next couple of days he did some research and decided on what tires he wanted to purchase to replace the current ones. He called a local place asking about them and they said they'd have to do some checking to get back to us. We didn't hear from them for days and then Aaron had to leave for a business trip.

So...now I'm on tire aquisition duty. The place Aaron had been working with is staffed with lazy dolts. They never did get back to us and when I did a follow up call, he "checked the computer" and told me that no one had that tire.

I made a few more calls and finally found someone who had them, but there were a little more than Aaron expected to spend. I was done doing leg work so...this was the place that was going to win our business this time.

By now the car had sat in the garage without moving for 5 days. I went out to put the damaged tire back in the trunk, and the trunk latch wouldn't work. So, I went to get into the car to open it from the driver's latch and noticed that the car door was ajar. That's special...now the battery is dead. While feeling a bit put out, I knew this was only a minor set back. My van was parked just a few feet away.

I don't know a lot about cars, but since my first cars were VWs....I learned the basics early. I CAN change a tire and jump a battery. I opened the hood of Aaron's car, and the battery is nowhere to be found. Everything in the engine compartment of that car is covered. I tried to open a couple of the covers but they had no obvious release and they didn't want to come off. I'm scared to force anything like that.

No problem, I headed to the glove box for the owners manual....which wasn't there. There were several other little booklets, but I no reference where I could look at a little map of the engine and find the battery. I did find a toll free number for road side assistance. Surely they could tell me where the battery is hidden.

I called and got a very polite representative who was only too willing to help too much. He kept insisting they could send a service truck to my rescue. OK...it's not really necessary....just tell me where the battery is. No, no, no....it's not that type of assistance. They'll be happy to come help this poor damsel. I finally agreed while asking "how long?" He assured me that it wouldn't be too long, the average wait was about an hour.

This was just plain silly to me. I have cables, the other car is just a couple of feet away. If they'd just tell me WHERE THE BATTERY IS....I can have this done in about 30 seconds. Why would they insist on incurring the cost of sending someone out when they can just give me the information I need and I'm on my way. He insisted his job was to send out assistance and if I wanted this information, I needed to call the dealer.

By the time talked to a service rep at the dealer, I was so frustrated I was near tears. He told me which cover to open and how to get it opened without breaking it and voila....I clipped on the jumpers, tuned the keys and I was done.

Why do things need to be so ridiculously complicated.

So, now the car is running and the tire issue is resolved. But Arielle went with me to pick up the car and drive it home. Apparently, since the power was drained, the GPS/audio system will not reboot without a code number. Aaron doesn't remember the code, it's not in the owner's manual (which Aaron had taken from the car and put in the office), and the number suggested by the dealer didn't work.

Where's my VW?

Jan 8 2010

After two days a naseau and shivering under 40 blankets, I have returned to walk among the living. Unfortunately, tonight Arielle is sick. There's definitely a bug in the house. The good news is that Aaron is in Las Vegas at the Consumer Electronics Show and out of range of infection. Husbands are the biggest babies...

For those who asked....YES!! I certainly DID go dance on the stage at Hair. Would YOU pass up the chance to dance on a Broadway stage? It was clearly the only way I was ever going to get there. It was great!

I have a little story to tell about Joel, but first a little background. If you read my blog WAAAAYY back....you might recall that he

a) digs his stubborn heels in about homework and

b) he is the world's pickiest eater. He's actually gotten worse in this regard, with his list of acceptable foods dwindling to about 5 choices...most of them white.

This semester he has been in his third year of Spanish. He's never done very well in Spanish as he made up his mind on day one he HATED Spanish and that it was just "too hard." But, he's coasted along in the C range. It caught up with him this year. He was behind from the start and rather than do the work he needed to do to catch up.....he just fell further and further behind.

He has asked me repeatedly to allow him to drop out of this class. But, I've refused to consider it on the premise that letting him out of it because he's decided to slack is just the wrong message. What's to keep him from deciding to slack in all the rest of his courses next year? It would be worth a try for him if he knew he had the option to bail. It's a path a want to avoid.

But, both his guidance counselor and his teacher have come to me with the recommendation that he drop the course. They feel that at this point, the pressure we're all applying to the spanish situation is having a negative impact on his performance in his other classes. So, I have finally decided to bend on this on the condition that he steps into another elective next semester. Dropping Spanish does not buy him a free period.

His counselor emailed me yesterday and told me that the only available elective that will fit in his schedule is......international foods. The ultimate irony. I wrote her back...."Have you met my son?" But I decided this would be an interesting test. Would he opt for a course where he'd be faced with "exotic" food, or would he suck it up and decide maybe spanish wasn't quite so bad/impossible?

Well, he chose the food.

He knows he'll have to handle and cook food, but he seems pretty sure that they can't force him to eat it. His counselor has told him that he can't go in there and start immediately making a stink about how none of the food is anything he would consider eating. At the very least, he will (hopefully) learn to at least politely push the food around on his plate. Maybe.....just maybe....if no one makes a huge deal about it, he might even TRY something new when no one is looking. I can always hope, right?

These situations are not in the parent's manual. I know....I checked.

Jan 6 2010

Just got back from an overnight in Manhattan. Arielle and I went in to meet up with our dear friends from Allentown, Janet and Emily.

Now that we no longer live across the street, and the girls are on college, Janet and I both feel we need to build some travel traditions as a foursome. This little jaunt was great and we're ready to start planning the next one.

Arielle and I drove in this time. It was only my second experience navigating the streets of NY by car but I'm proud to say, it went very smoothly. We got around without getting lost (and NO GPS) and we only got caught in a gridlock once. There's so much to watch for....the street signs, the pedestrians, the cabs, the bikes, the busses, the double parked trucks. It's a challenge. But I feel like I have a better sense of the lay of the city than ever before. I wouldn't hesitate to drive in again. That's something I never expected to hear myself say.

We ate great food and spent some time in a museum and saw Hair on Broadway. At the end of the show, the cast extends an invitation to the audience for all to come onto the stage and dance. That is RIGHT up my ally....but no one else in our group was game. Are you kidding?!?! When again will I have the opportunity to dance on a Broadway stage? Gotta do it!

Adrienne went back to Pittsburgh today for her final semester. Aaron's also gone for the next 10 days for business. Arielle doesn't have to head back to Massachusetts until Jan 17. I'm glad she'll be here for awhile longer. If we can find a nice day, I think we're going to go in to the Bronx Zoo. I think it would be terrific to go in the winter when no on else is there.

It's taking some time to learn my way around this new computer. So far, I'm liking it. I downloaded the trial version of photoshop for Mac. It's a bit different and I'm trying not to get frustrated. I've been very uninspired photographically over the last few months. The display on this Mac is gorgeous though, so I'm itching to drag out the archives and play around. Maybe, I'm on my way back.

Jan 4 2010

That's my first time to write or type 2010. It often seems that 2009 was this fresh and new no more than a month ago. It goes WAY too fast!

I'm starting the new year, and decade with a cold and a new computer. I'm also starting with a new commitment to blogging. I really, REALLY hope is sticks.

This past year, I've felt that every time I sat down to try and write, I was whining. There were more than a few entries that were written then deleted on that premise. I can't guarantee an absence of whining, but the sand is starting to shift here and I think I'm going to need the outlet.

I'm not going to get into a lot of backstory and detail today, but I think this year may hold in it another move. The situation is in it's infancy but the signs are impossible to ignore. Another year of very tough choices, of working to accept what cannot be changed, and trying to find the tranquility to just live with what life throws at us.

All this is so new...too new to really even begin to talk about. Aaron and I have had a handful of conversations. But I feel like I'm sitting on a time bomb. My head's full of questions and concerns, my heart is unsettled and I know I'll need feedback and support from somewhere. I hope that place is here.

2010....new year, new decade....another redefinition of life.

Look Out Below...

We're back on Long Island and I'm trying to plow through the photos I took on the trip. I seem to have a chronic problem of taking tons of images and getting few to none posted. But this was so overwhelming, I have to share.



On our third day in the Adirondacks, we happened upon this beautiful waterfall. The Adirondacks are full of falls, many of them are miles off the road. But this one was easily accessible by a very short path, and seemed to be a spot well known but not overly crowded.

My kids love to go to waterfalls...and so do I. We love to scramble up the rocks and there's something so pleasurable about perching near the edge of a falls just in range of the cool spray. There were a few folks swimming in the pools at the base of the falls, and I'm sure we would have been too if the air temperature had been higher. Seventy degrees is a little chilly to venture into cold mountain water. At least, for some of us.

However, there were a few brave souls....and I DO mean brave!









As much as this terrifies me to consider, how I wish I had the nerve to do it. It looks like SO much fun!!!

7/19

It's our last morning at Lake Placid. It's chilly and the clouds are heavy and full of drama as they roll over the mountains. The shadows and light are constantly changing on the peaks. I could watch forever.

I love this area....the Adirondaks. It's another place I would not hesitate to return to. I'd even consider living here if I could. I've learned a couple of things over the last couple of years. I love altitude, and I connect more with lakes than the ocean.

Is it just me...or are vacations complicated? Overall, the five of us ave had a good time together. But, there have been points of such incredible frustration (on my part). The maintenance level of the members of this family is exhausting. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but there were so many times I'd look at one of them and think "just get over it!" "IT" was never worth the negative energy being put forth, and certainly not worth unloading said energy on everyone else. I love these four people but some of them (2 in particular) are really difficult to spend extended time with. They're just too needy, and pissy when their needs are not met. And somehow...if I try and address that fact, it all gets turned around and becomes about ME. I just don't get how that happens.

So, as beautiful as it is here....as happy as I feel in these surroundings, I'm ready to get back to LI where we can go our separate ways and have some space. It makes me sad that THAT is what I'm looking forward to. It's not supposed to be this way, is it? I'm haunted with wondering where I went wrong.

My Space....well, I can dream...

Earlier in the week we spent a few hours kayaking on Lake Placid. I was surprised at the boathouses on the lake. One after another, we paddled past beautiful structures built to provide housing for watercraft, often with a room or two above.

But when I saw this one....all I could imagine was what a great space it would be for an escape. A studio perhaps. I love the windows all around, and the beautiful view in every direction. I know realistically, it's not weatherized and would be miserably cold during an upstate NY winter. But if it could be...I think I'd love a space like this. I'll keep dreaming.
:)

That's Joel paddling by....

Weather....or not.

View from our room of Mirror Lake and the village of Lake Placid.


Weather is always such a big factor in a vacation....especially with my family. And, so far, the weather has been iffy at best.

I try and plan for all weather possibilities. I always want something to do. Ideally, we'd be out enjoying the area by hiking to high peaks or looking for waterfalls. But, no one really wants to get five miles out and then caught in a pouring rain. Yesterday, we got rained on a couple of times, but the rain was light and short lived so it wasn't bad at all.

Just in case, I always pack books, projects, misc. art supplies...things to engage us if we can't be out. I usually can keep myself, and one or two of the kids busy and happy. My "strict" girl scout upbringing = always prepared!

Aaron looked at the weather forecast last night and went into a bit of a funk. Today, it's supposed to be overcast and chilly...high 50's. He grumbles like there's something we can do about it. I'm actually glad to hear that the weather is supposed to be cool. Since I've passed age 50...I'm too warm all the time anyway. I'm much more willing to venture out appropriately layered for cool weather than walk into the blast furnace of real SUMMER weather. I find this weather, a relief.

No one else in the family is up yet....I've got to get them moving so we won't miss breakfast. Then, the discussion will begin....with all the overtones of disgust because it's not sunny and 80 degrees. What to do, what to do? I think I can jolly my children through it and "save the day". In regards to the husband, I'm not so sure.

I will now don my smiling face of optimism.....

07/11

I'm a little embarrassed at how long it's been since I sat down to write in this blog. I'll be honest, I've been discouraged at how the community has just kind of died back. I miss my visitors, but I'm just as guilty of not getting around the neighborhood the way I used to. But, I want to keep trying.

My lack of posts is not due to a lack of things going on. On the contrary, it's been a bit of a whirlwind. I'll give the very short version, and then try and fill in some blanks with follow up posts.

Most of my attention and energy has revolved around Arielle. She and I went to Allentown for a visit in May. She had her prom here in NY in June, and that was followed by her high school graduation, including grandparents coming to visit. I cannot believe we have two of the three kids through high school! It just went WAY too fast.

Of course, upcoming graduation meant we spent a lot of time over the last few months squaring away the college decision. She decided on UMass in Amherst.

Right before the 4th of July, I took her up to Amherst for her freshman orientation. I had never been there before I fell completely in love with the area. I would move there in a heartbeat!

The orientation didn't involve me at all. I dropped her off, and had two days to "play" while she was attending sessions and tours and making her schedule. But, I got a bonus! I have an very, VERY old friend who lives in the area. I hadn't seen her in thirty two years! As a matter of fact, we'd only been in touch twice in all that time. So, we were reunited and it was WONDERFUL! That's an entire story by itself that I want to share. I just need to sit still long enough to tell it.

I'm teaching aquatic fitness regularly at a national chain exercise club. I'm not particularly impressed with the way the program is run, but I am loving being back to teaching. I have a teaching style that is distinctly unique from the other instructors. This is going to sound snotty....but it's true. I'm the only instructor they have who has been educated specifically to teach in the water. I'm sure the other instructors are very effective in their particular areas of fitness expertise. But, what one knows about spin, or aerobic dance doesn't exactly translate to the water. The exercise mechanics in water are in many ways opposite to working on land. We had a "master" class for instructors recently and I learned two of them don't even swim! This just strikes me as....off. The good news is that the participants love my class....and tell me so on a regular basis. I'm getting a solid following.

We're leaving tomorrow on a family vacation up to Lake Placid, NY. I am so, SO looking forward to the trip. We will be in a setting that (to me) is just about perfect....a mountain lake region. I will be able to walk out the door of our hotel and take a three mile walk around a lake. I expect I'll be out a dawn every morning...weather permitting...either walking or out in my kayak. I'm also hoping to do some waterfall photography. It's something I've done some research on, but haven't had the opportunity to practice. No waterfalls on Long Island.

We started our vacation week today with a trip into Manhattan and a Broadway show. We promised Adrienne....uh....at least 10 years ago that we'd go see Phantom of the Opera. Well, we finally get her there.

I'll have to say, I wasn't really all that excited seeing the show....but I loved it. Visually, it was just a feast. I was so fascinated with the staging and THE COSTUMES!! Being the textile junkie that I am, I was just dying to get up close to those costumes....all that color and texture. They look so detailed and intricate from the audience, I can only imagine what went into them. I was looking on the internet for some images of the masquerade ball scene (which was spectacular)...but can find nothing that begins to do it justice. I'll keep looking.

So, that's the scoop in a nutshell. I really will try and do a post or two while we are traveling. I've neglected my photo blog just about as much as this one. But, I'll promise to try and do better if anyone is still with me.

Oh....and one more thing...

Something very exciting is brewing. Something I've worked toward, but have not dared believe was possible, for a long time. I won't say it yet because....while it's clearly in the works, its not cast in stone. I'm afraid, I'll jinx it.
:)

Floating Away

This weekend, we did something we've been talking about for at least two years. We bought a pair of kayaks. This was on the top of our "as soon as we move to Long Island" list, but it took us 21 months to get it done. While we bought two, we only came home with one as Aaron picked a color that was out of stock. So his will be delivered in a couple of weeks. That means that for now, any kayaking will be solo.

I've always spent a lot of time around water. I've logged countless hours in a canoe. But, my kayak experience is limited to a couple of occasions where we rented them for half a day or so. Where we live on Long Island, we are less than a mile from a harbor which opens up onto the sound in one direction, and an extensive wetlands in the other. So I don't have to travel far for a little kayak excursion. We took the boat down to the harbor yesterday and each of us took a turn taking it out for about an hour and a half. The water safety instinct that has been ingrained in me said "out in a boat alone? Not a good idea..." But, I know that paddling alone is not uncommon, and true evaluation of the situation made it a no brainer. Lifejacket, close to shore, flat water...so I agreed.

I may have a new passion. Since moving here, I have become so accustomed to being alone that I had no issue paddling off by myself. Company is not a necessity. And once I was out on the water, it was so still and beautiful, and interesting that the time flew by. I could glide by the edge of the grasses and get much closer to the egrets feeding along the shore. I'm going to have to practice stealth kayaking....I still spook them. I saw a heron take flight and an oyster catcher on the shore and a big horseshoe crab swam by. I paddled around a little island inhabited only by birds. It's protected for terns and plovers and I saw both. It's going to take me a little time to get up the nerve to take a camera out with me. And now I know why I hung on to my older model when I upgraded...it can be designated my boat equipment. I'm looking forward to exploring the shoreline from the water, getting another perspective. If anything will help me embrace living here...maybe, this is it.

This is a map of the harbor with the general route of my first outing inked in. There's still a lot to explore right in the back yard.

Playing Favorites

What I enjoy most about spring is watching my perennials reemerge. I welcome the return of color to the world and I like to see them thrive and fill with blooms as they get well established. I think of them as "mine" and when they come up, I feel reconnected with the earth. The sad part is that very few stay around as long as I would like, but as we move through the season, I have a series of favorites I look forward to.

Right now, one of my favorites is blooming full force. I absolutely LOVE columbine. They can be found in such a variety of colors and I love how they dangle at the end of slender stems. In PA, I primarily had purple columbines but here, I've been putting in more pink/red. They are exquisite and each day I go out to enjoy them. Like many spring flowers, the blooming season is too brief. I will miss them when they're gone.

May 15, 2009

Well, the blog every day thing was good for the week that it lasted. I am stretched to the limit to have anything to blog about. I don't seem able to just pour my heart out like I once did. So, I look at each day, and consider the "highlights" to evaluate their blog-worthiness and think....whatever. I've been posting more frequently in my photoblog. I guess I've felt like, if I can't say it in a picture it's probably not worth saying.

Actually, there have been a few things going on. Most notably, I spent last weekend in Pennsylvania at my neighbor's house. I went to a fantastic solo Hornsby performance with the woman who now owns my house (Hi Kate!) While I was in Allentown, I caught up with a couple of other friends and my old shrink (we can be friends now). Janet and I went out to an Amish farm to buy garden plants...like we did each spring when I was living there. It was an annual sojourn for us. This farm specializes in a wide variety of pepper plants and all kinds of heirloom tomatoes. Aaron wants a tomato garden this year, so I chose a few different types for him. I've been seeing various articles about growing tomatoes upside down from a hanging basket. So I also selected three types of heirloom cherry and grape tomatoes and I'm giving that a try this year. I'd really like to have yummy little tomatoes right outside the back door.

I helped Janet put out the weed cloth in her garden so she could get her plants in the ground. It felt so right to be working along side of her doing something we both have always enjoyed. I was thinking of working in my own garden across the street. It was alway such a big job for one person. I was enjoying working with her so much I couldn't help but think, why didn't we combine our efforts when I was across the street and share the labor and the produce? We both looked out for each other's gardens if one of us traveled over the summer. When I shared the thought with her, we both could only shake our heads at the now lost opportunity.

The entire weekend was sort of like being in a dream...or maybe more like coming out of a dream. Everything was so familiar and most of it was completely natural to me. I was driving the same car on the same roads....everything looks basically the same. But then I'd drive up my street and I couldn't turn left into the driveway and pull into the garage. Instead, I pulled up in front of Janet's house like I needed to make a quick stop before I going home. Then, I never went home.

Everywhere I went, I felt like it was my routine. But I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying "don't let yourself believe you're home...you're not."

It might sound like torture, but it's not quite that bad. It is a mixed emotion experience. Some peace and some pain. I did feel more like myself than I ever do in NY. I'm still a fish out of water here.

I returned to NY on Sunday and my family reunited for a mother's day dinner. Arielle had gone to PA with me and Aaron took Joel and Adrienne out to Chicago to see his mom. They had a great time and she really LOVED having them there. This was the second time that he's done this...taken the kids to his mom on mother's day. I'm glad he does, she sees so little of them and it means a lot to her.

Monday, was again like being in a dream...or just waking up from one. I went about my life here and by now it's all fairly familiar, but this time, there was no comfort in that familiarity. I see my old life as if through a mist. I want this to be the dream...and to wake up and be home. But, this is the reality. The dream cannot exist.

What an Amazing Sound...

I guess I tend to get obsessive about things, especially when I'm running away from emotional pain. I find something that will put me SO in the moment that I don't think about what hurts.

Now, I am totally fixated on the birds returning to Long Island. Spring is very slow in coming this year. I'm not seeing much in terms of new growth and the weather has (for the most part) been dismal. But each day I'm seeing more (and a wider variety) of birds, if I just go looking. It puts me in the moment, so that's where I've been.

I've mentioned the osprey nest. I cannot stay away. I was out watching them yesterday and noticed that they were very reluctant to leave the nest unattended. There must be eggs up there, and I want to be there when chicks eventually peek over the side. I can't imagine how they fledge....it's a LONG way down. It's something I don't want to miss.

Yesterday, I was sitting and watching when I realized I was hearing a very unusual sound. It was like moving air with a soft whistle. The whistle was multi-pitched, like a chord and the chord would rise and fall slowly and very rhythmically. It's really almost impossible to describe, but it was a beautiful sound. As I became conscious of it, it made me think of the sound I'd heard when I'd heard a swan fly overhead.

I've never lived in a place where swans were indigenous. Until I lived on LI, swans were like decoration to me. You'd see one or two that had been purchased to adorn the retention pond at a high end condo complex. Certainly their wings were clipped and they weren't flying anywhere. Out here, we see swans regularly, usually a pair occupies a particular body of water. But this year, there are a multitude of swans everywhere. I'd noticed a huge flock of swans on the river that feeds into the sound right where I watch the ospreys. I counted, there were 30 of them. They're so territorial (and aggressive) that I was more than surprised at the number of them in one spot.

Back to the point. I heard the sound and I thought I recognized it as the sound of a swan overhead. I turned around, and there were SEVEN swans just about to fly right past me! They are HUGE...it's amazing to think of them getting off the ground. It has to take amazing power to keep them airborne. And the flapping of the wings was the source of that soft and beautiful whistling chord. There was no way to get them all in a single frame, but I managed to capture three.

The Birds

I know that one reason I don't post as frequently is that I can sum up what's going on in a pretty short statement. I watch birds.

How much can I say about this. I've found a few spots where I find beautiful birds to watch (and photograph)....and I can sit there for hours (literally) and watch, and fire off hundreds of shots.

I was out today, but not for as long as I would have liked. It was the prettiest day we'd had in over a week, and I headed out to try and photograph an osprey nest I've been watching. What incredible light there was this morning however, there wasn't a lot of activity. One of the birds was away from the nest the majority of the time, and the other was up there just keeping watch. I missed a couple of incredible opportunities, I'd look away or get distracted by something else, and one of the ospreys would leave or return to the nest. But, I am patient...and I will wait.

I had a time constraint today, and I pushed it just as long as I could before I had to leave. Nothing had been going on for quite awhile, but I gave myself just ten more minutes. My stalling paid off.



I can't wait to go back there tomorrow.

4/8/09

Day three of the one week bloggathon.

I'm thinking maybe posting regularly will start to feel natural again. I sure appreciated what everyone had to say in the comments about our old community. Maybe we can pull ourselves back together.

Warning...this entry will definitely feature some wallowing in self pity...just so you know and want to click out now.

Passover begins tonight, and therein begins my emotional distress. For most of the last 20 years we have celebrated this holiday with our close friends, our Jewish family, in Allentown. We didn't make it there in the fall for the traditional Yom Kippur break fast, and a variety of circumstances precluded us from going tonight for the holiday celebration. I'm having a terrible time with it, and struggling with a world class case of homesickness today.

I'm making a little Seder for the four of us, we'll at least have that. But, with all my heart I want to be with that same crowd of friends as we retell the story.

I'm thinking that perhaps I'm hurting from this a little more than I might because it comes directly on the heels of my trip to Indiana. I was already struggling with homesickness and bittersweet nostalgia. I've come to realize that, I'm ok with being in NY on a day to day basis. I don't love it, there's still a lot of emptiness associated with it, but there are some characteristics of the area that do engage me. Where I get into trouble is when I start thinking about my life either in PA or in IN. The feelings of loneliness and of being uprooted overwhelm me. The scab is ripped off the wound and I completely fall apart. That's where I am today...and it really sucks.

Another thing dawned on me this morning that I KNOW plays a part. When I made the decision to convert to Judiasm, I gave up all the major holiday traditions that I was raised with. It wasn't easy, especially when those holidays are going on all around you for weeks. But, I was committed to that decision and I just swallowed the loss. Then, as out family grew and we made new traditions with friends, that void was filled. This time, through circumstances beyond my control, I have lost all my holiday traditions again. Now, it's easy to think "start building new ones!" But realistically, the traditions evolved through the raising of our children over the last 20 years. The children are now mostly grown and the friends of 20 years are celebrating in PA tonight without us. Traditions take time....lots of it. And, we're one year into this.

My rational mind knows everything that's wrong with what I'm saying here. I'm constantly scolding myself about being such a big baby. I repeatedly find myself stuck in the same place within different situations. I can't go back, but I don't know how to move forward. Part of the intertia comes from fear of facing more hurt. I really am afraid to attach to anything for fear of losing it. In the last three years I lost my sister, I lost the two places that I considered "home", and now my holiday traditions are slipping out of my grasp. I would LOVE to find a way to get ahold of myself....to come to my senses and move on. But for the life of me, I just cannot figure out how.

Break the Silence

Martha at Menagerie posted an entry about how infrequently she has been blogging recently. She has the week off work, and proposed a challenge inviting her readers to join her in a mini bloggathon and post every day for the week The point is to help some of us regain some consistency in posting.

I know that I have really lost my momentum. I've been reduced to posting about once a month. It's a combination of having a lot of things competing for my time, an apparent loss of readers, and the feeling that I have nothing of interest to share.

So, I accepted the challenge. I miss what I used to get from frequent posting. Things just have not been the same since we moved to blogger. I feel overwhelmed by the number of blogs I come across that are of interest. I can't begin to follow them all. I want to follow my old favorites but often miss their new posts. And I have to decide between spending my allotted blogging time reading or writing.

I definitely do not spend near as much time at the computer as I once did. Through blogs, I have been introduced to so many creative ideas that I feel compelled to DO rather than be satisfied with a vicarious experience. At any given time, I could be doing what NEEDS to be done around here (NAH!!), or be out taking pictures, or editing the hundreds of photos I have that need work, or sewing, or......well, you get it. But I feel a sense of loss in sharing with my online friends, and perhaps this little challenge will help me to recapture a bit of that.

I'm really going to try to post SOMETHING each day this week. It may not be much, but if it's more than nothing then I've succeeded. There is value in this. I know it from the quality of friendship that I have found. Thank you Martha for encouraging me to recapture it, before it entirely slips away.

4/6/09

Well, this is a situation that just a few years ago I never would have imagined. I'm in my hometown in Indiana...staying at the home of my oldest childhood friend, four doors down from the house where I grew up. It's just weird.

Arielle was accepted to Indiana University, and she and I made the trip out here so she could get a look at the campus. We flew into Indianapolis yesterday and drove to Bloomington. We visited with my cousin and his wife, then took my nephew and his girlfriend out to dinner. We spent the night in Bloomington and today was pretty well consumed by campus tour/orientation for accepted students.

I didn't go to IU, but several members of my family and many of my close friends did. I have enough of a history there that touring the campus brought back a lot of memories. The weather was awful, but I really loved every moment of walking through the campus.

I expected this trip to be essentially a formality. I thought Arielle was already to a point where she was feeling like she'd made a decision. But, she really liked IU. She says she's got some research to do and a big decision to make. It looks like it's going to be IU or U Mass.

I don't really know which I'd be happier about. I'd like her to be close, where it's easy for her to get back to us. There's also a piece of me that would like to have her out here in Indiana. I'd have a reason to come back here from time to time.

But, being here has not been without its emotional pitfalls. I had made plans to come down to Bedford and visit my friend, but as I was leaving Bloomington and heading this way I was so anxious I felt sick. The tears stung my eyes as I drove past my grandmother's house. I was overwhelmed with sadness when I went past my home. It's like an empty shell...the family that occupied it for the last 100 years has abandoned it. I felt a bit like a traitor.

I cried a bit when I first arrived at my friend's, but she was expecting that this would be a difficult visit and was prepared to mop me up if she needed to. It wasn't that bad, but the fact that I'm up here now in her guest room instead of down the street in my room is just too unnatural to put into words.

It makes me wonder if I want an excuse to come back here. Just like the PA situation....I can't visit the friends I love without having to wrestle with the pain over what I left behind.

It's a short visit....just one night. Tomorrow we head back to NY. But first, I'm visiting the cemetary. I need to be with Meg and Daddy, my baby sister, Schuyler and my grandparents for just a little while. I'm afraid it will be too long until I'm back here again. I know it's going to break my heart. But I just need to go.

Carmina Burana

Last night, Arielle's high school chorus and orchestra performed Carmina Burana together with the Ithaca College chorus. They did a very impressive job and the soloists from Ithaca were extremely good.

Throughout the performance, I couldn't help but thinking what a wonderful experience it must have been to be on that stage. In high school, I participated in both concert band and chorus. I went to a small midwestern high school that couldn't support a full orchestra, but I was very dedicated to my participation in band and especially enjoyed when we performed "serious" music. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to be in an orchestra, playing the piece we heard last night. It had to be a real thrill. I'm delighted that Arielle had that opportunity.

I'm sad to think how that part of my life has slipped beyond my grasp. I can't tell you how many years have passed since I picked up a flute, yet the soloist last night moved me so that I ached to play like that. I know that if I were to dig it out of the closet, I wouldn't get that beautiful tone and fluid expression out of the instrument. I think I might still be able to squeak out a B flat concert scale. Yeah...that's probably still with me.

I was not raised to pursue visual art. It's ironic that my energies are so intensely directed that way now. I WAS raised with a lot of musical encouragement. I don't have a lot of innate talent...but I loved to practice so I wasn't half bad at the instruments I pursued. But in my adult life, I haven't had (or made time for) making music. At least not much.

After my dad died, I bought a piano. I went back to taking lessons and was getting into practicing again. It was all starting to come back to me. I prefer playing the piano because the music I can make is so much more full than playing the flute alone. Then, when Meg was killed, I just stopped cold. I'd sit down and play a bit and it all just felt wrong. I can't explain it...I felt nothing and too much all at the same time. The piano seemed to call to me, but I couldn't approach it...I just couldn't.

It still feels that way. I see the instrument sitting in my living room and I'm drawn to it but I can't bring myself to put my hands on the keys. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the emotion it will evoke or the fact I KNOW how rusty my skills will be and the frustration and disappointment that will come from that. It's a roadblock I can't seem to break through but after last night, I think I should try. I know it's all part of a bigger issue I'm having with clinging to pain and not allowing myself to feel joy.

But, I've decided that I'm going to call a tuner and get it in shape. It's a step...a tiny one but a step none the less. Then we'll see where it goes from there. I'm not destined to have the experience of playing as part of an orchestra, but after last night I realize that I need to try let musical expression back into my life.

A Whirlwind Trip

I'm back in NY after a quick but wonderful trip to Sedona, AZ. I am absolutely IN LOVE with Sedona and I'm ready to go back NOW!

We had three days in the area and we tried our best to make the most of them. We did as much hiking as we could and I have so many photos....well, I'm embarrassed to admit how many. I have some work cut out for me.

I returned to somewhere around 15 inches of snow and it was no easy feat. I was aware of what was going on weatherwise on the east coast and I was certain that my flights would be cancelled and I'd end up with a day to explore Phoenix. But, my flight from Phoenix to Philly took off on time....to the complete disbelief of everyone on the plane. My luck ran out in Philadelphia as my flight to Long Island was canceled...as was the only later flight. After standing in a line for an hour to rebook, I learned that they couldn't get me on a flight until Wednesday! I really didn't think that renting a car and driving was an intelligent option, so I continued my sojourn by train. Five hours...three train rides and a cab later...and I was back safe and sound. The same is not true for my luggage. I've got my fingers crossed on that one.

My car is still at the airport and the driveway has not been shoveled so I definately have my work for the day cut out for me. The snow is beautiful and I was not sorry to have it greet me. I'm finding the weather contrast, each breathtaking in its own way, uplifting and spiritually invigorating.